Depression Understood Forums

Sorry if this is a novel, but its the whole story....

I had been dating a man in his early 30's - I've known him for years, dating for a few months. Relationship was always great...never any issues. He wanted to see each other regularly and was in regular contact. A few months ago, we were having some wine at his place. We started to talk about his family and he suddenly got emotional, told me he had something to tell me. It took him awhile to spit it out and I did not push him, but he finally admitted to struggling with depression since his teens. Apparently, he goes to therapy and takes medication. Went into some details ....

None of his friends or the women he has dated know about it. So apparently I am the only person who he told, besides his family. I basically just listened - he told me he puts on an happy act if front of everyone, when in reality he feels the complete opposite and that he does not want me to think of him as weak, etc. I did not try to give him advice or anything of the such...told him I knew it was not a choice and that he didn't have to worry about me judging him. I left a few hours after that, as we both had work the next day.

That week he reached out to me, but made no mention of seeing each other. I tried to make plans but he cancelled them last minute (never had done that before). And in the weeks since, any communication from him has ended. I would reach out and he would respond, but he would not initiate. I did not want to push him, but finally I asked about the change in communication since that night and his response was abrupt and kinda cruel. Saying that nothing was wrong and perhaps we should not be in contact any longer. This is a person who right before the confession was telling me he wanted to see each other more and pursue a more serious relationship. So his reaction to me was like a different person, totally unexpected. As far as I'm concerned, if you tell me not to contact you, I won't and I will move on. I am sad to lose the friendship and I did try to extend a hand, but I will respect his wishes.

My question is, why would he rather carry on relationships with people who don't really know him? He has friends he sees regularly and has had relationships with women in the past, all of whom have no clue, but yet he would end contact with me after that night? I can only imagine there is a connection between his confession and his pulling away. Any thoughts/experiences relating to the situation would be appreciated.

I basically responded that I would not contact him again, but that he knows how to reach me if he changes his mind. Being that he and I were friends first, I value the relationship and wanted him to know I would be there if he needs it.

Sadly, only he can explain to you what is in his thinking process and on his mind. All we can do is guess and we don't even know him and can't make a very good guess. I can tell you though about me. And when I came out to people I almost always got treated differently in some way. Even if it was minor and they didn't realise they were looking at me differently or speaking to me differently. Sometimes they weren't and it was just me seeing things there only because that's what i was expecting. I've also had some treat it as no big deal. When in actuality, it was huge for me to gather up enough courage to be honest and open and talk about it. It was a majorly huge thing for me. So, hopefully this helps some.

I will also chime in here.

First off, I want to say I'm sorry! It sounds like there really was something there!

Here is my take on what may have happened:

I will describe it from how I've known things to happen with myself. Alrighty, here goes....


In a situation like that, sometimes people get mad at themselves for showing weakness to anyone. I'm a woman, & I'm like that at times....

Even though I would want someone there & I would want comfort, I would probably still push that person away or try to keep my distance.

I know I've kept my distance or put space between others & myself to try to heal myself or recover--while not trying to rely on someone else too much. (I'm stubbornly independent at times & try to be very self-reliant.)

I've worried about how that certain someone would perceive me. You know.... That person I'd want to think the world of me but would be afraid would see me as not enough after an episode....

Sometimes there are self-defeating thoughts that really interfere with maintaining contact with the person who's witnessed me at a vulnerable moment.

He may think that you're only being nice to him, so as not to hurt his feelings or something like that. (I don't think you are like that.)

I know my 1st thought when something like that happens is to run from/avoid the person.....

All in all, I cannot speak for him....

Do take care & before you leave for good..... Well.... If it were me, I would try one last time--with the final time making sure to let him know you still love him (in a "We're still good" kind of way) & you wish him the best in life.

Ah.... Sorry that had to happen to ya.....

He may be self sabotaging himself by pushing you away. I myself pushed my whole family away at one point and it's a major sign of depression.You can drop him a line once in a while so he knows your still there. The mistake people make sometimes is giving too much space and then the person really goes into a dark place of loneliness and sadness. Please give the guy a call and check in on him.

Hi

Sorry you feel so closed off by this guy. Reading this post actually hit a nerve with me because I do the exact same thing to others as this guy has done to you. 

Like others have said, I am not suggesting these are his reasons but here are some of mine for distancing myself

I am often  overwhelmed by the affection and care certain people show, especially if they are a lover (im sure you will appreciate you don't just give up yourself physically when dating, but you are also letting down your guard emotionally in a huge way)

This personally leaves me feeling very vulnerable and scares the heck out of me because over the years I have almost entirely convinced myself that I'll never truely openly love or be loved by anyone, so i figure 'what's the point getting any deeper?'

It actually breaks my heart even getting a message from this person and the thought of catching a glimpse of them makes my heart pound. Being in the same room I barely make eye contact and retreat into a shell. Basically, I'm scared. I'm too afraid to let my feelings grow more intense, so I switch off. In the hope that the person will eventually get fed up with my non-responsiveness and just magically disappear.

That old cliche is VERY true, the one that goes something like 'if you don't learn to love yourself, nobody else will.'

Sorry to totally jack your thread with this rant- but I hope u understand that he needs to sort his head out before he can set his heart free. He needs to take care of a few things emotionally otherwise they will boil over into new relationships and cause mayhem. He's doing you both a favour.

Oh and the part where u said you want to be there for him as a friend also struck a chord with me. That's not always possible when one of the people concerned has stronger feelings for the other - it can get messy. 

T'Shell x

Scotty204 wrote:He may be self sabotaging himself by pushing you away. I myself pushed my whole family away at one point and it's a major sign of depression.You can drop him a line once in a while so he knows your still there. The mistake people make sometimes is giving too much space and then the person really goes into a dark place of loneliness and sadness. Please give the guy a call and check in on him.

That's exactly what I'm worried about in regard to my buddy who's going through a depression episode. He has nobody and if I give him too much space he may think I don't care.

Many people recommend giving a depressed person the space s/he asks for. If by space you mean leave them alone I strongly disagree. I have two friends. That's all two. They know even when I lash out and tell them to go away I am in reality screaming for them to love me. They remain my friends by understanding not the reasons for my negative stands but that whatever I say to them they are the only people in the world who mean anything to me.

Tell your loved ones and friends who are suffering with depression that you love them unconditionally. Don't grab them for a cuddle or hug -- let them initiate contact -- but keep trying to reinsure them of your love. Tell them this every single day, once. If I am the depressed person I will remember your care and love when I finally come out the other end and will know your daily contact was a major help in my coming out.