I've been with my boyfriend for 4 months. (7 really but not officially) He is my best friend and I can't live without him. He had a really rough past and has his own issues. I feel like I really bring him down when I try and talk to him about how I am feeling, or when I am having emotional meltdowns or anxiety attacks. He gets really frustrated, angry even. He tries his hardest to help, but I know he feel under appreciated. I don't know how to talk to him about it in a way that wont overwhelm him. When he gets angry and shut me away because of it I just grow more and more depressed and withdraw from him. Its ruining our relationship. I always feel in the way, and like I just make him feel terrible. I don't want to push him away, but that's what seems to be happening.
I really care about how he feels, but he is the one I want to talk to most about how I feel and I want to let him know he really does help me.
Cryptic Avenger
Depression's effect on a Spouse?
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Cryptic Avenger
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 3:01 am
- Location: Ontario
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Ahorse
Hi there,
You're the one suffering the illness I gather. It seems he too may have similar problems from the little you say here. Have you considered that? That he may suffer depression as well?
If you keep trying to talk about it with him you will drive him away as he does not want to talk about it all the time, or even very much.
I understand your need to talk, I was the same. I just couldn't stop once I finally spoke about myself.
But the way to deal with your problem is to see a doctor and get referred for therapy, talk therapy. So you can say all and everything you need to, leaving yourself capable of dealing with your boyfriend as just that, your boyfriend.
You see there is no point talking to someone about it if it upsets or annoys them. It won't help you and just makes them want to get away, anywhere.
It does not mean he doesn't care but it does mean you have to change what you do and how you talk to him.
DOn't forget I mentioned he may well have depression himself and be totally unable to recognise it or talk about it. That too would make him extremely irritable on the topic as none of us likes to know or admit we have such an illness. He may not know for some years yet, if he does have it that is, as we are very stubborn, males.
As you yourself say, currently you are pushing him away. If you keep doing the same thing that's what will happen, he'll run.
You need to feel better and you need medical help to achieve that. Until then this topic will dominate your mind and you won't have anything else to talk about. So your priority must be to seel medical help. And follow their advice if you agree with what they tell you. If you don't get that help then this will not be the first partner you may drive away. It will become a self fulfilling prophect. You must care for yourself first and foremost so you are able to have a partner and help them if they need it.
You're the one suffering the illness I gather. It seems he too may have similar problems from the little you say here. Have you considered that? That he may suffer depression as well?
If you keep trying to talk about it with him you will drive him away as he does not want to talk about it all the time, or even very much.
I understand your need to talk, I was the same. I just couldn't stop once I finally spoke about myself.
But the way to deal with your problem is to see a doctor and get referred for therapy, talk therapy. So you can say all and everything you need to, leaving yourself capable of dealing with your boyfriend as just that, your boyfriend.
You see there is no point talking to someone about it if it upsets or annoys them. It won't help you and just makes them want to get away, anywhere.
It does not mean he doesn't care but it does mean you have to change what you do and how you talk to him.
DOn't forget I mentioned he may well have depression himself and be totally unable to recognise it or talk about it. That too would make him extremely irritable on the topic as none of us likes to know or admit we have such an illness. He may not know for some years yet, if he does have it that is, as we are very stubborn, males.
As you yourself say, currently you are pushing him away. If you keep doing the same thing that's what will happen, he'll run.
You need to feel better and you need medical help to achieve that. Until then this topic will dominate your mind and you won't have anything else to talk about. So your priority must be to seel medical help. And follow their advice if you agree with what they tell you. If you don't get that help then this will not be the first partner you may drive away. It will become a self fulfilling prophect. You must care for yourself first and foremost so you are able to have a partner and help them if they need it.
It was really hard for my husband when I started to talk about what had happened to me. I had to learn how to communicate without putting my sorrow and pain on them. One thing I learned, was no details. Men want to fix things. And this is something he can't fix so it makes it somewhat frustrating for them. Especially when they care so much for us. So basically, I would ask first, "can i talk to you? it's ok to say no right now". If he said no, then I didn't. If he said yes, then I'd talk to him about how i'm feeling, also including what i needed from him at that time. But I stopped giving details on what caused my depression. It can get so overwhelming for our partners if we allow it to. I would say "i'm reallly sad right now and i don't really know why at this moment, but i could use a big hug and a smile from you".
CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) helped me a lot. Not only in the way I look at things, but in how i interact with those around me. Might be an idea to explore.
CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) helped me a lot. Not only in the way I look at things, but in how i interact with those around me. Might be an idea to explore.
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Ahorse
Hi Obay,
Yes, CBT for sure.
How did you find the strength to have so much restraint? You've adapted to him rather than him learning anything though don't you think?
I'm afraid I had no choice when I was at the bottom, I sought help and talk anywhere I could. If people couldn't deal with it that was fine and I avoided talking to them but adapting to them was never an option for me.
I found depression to be such a selfish illness, it wants all of you and all you've got so you can't really see anything but yourself. Sure it's not how life should be but it's how deep depression is. It drives everything you do.
SO I have to say how much I respect the strength you must have had to use to work around him as you have. Has he changed at all through this process?
Yes, CBT for sure.
How did you find the strength to have so much restraint? You've adapted to him rather than him learning anything though don't you think?
I'm afraid I had no choice when I was at the bottom, I sought help and talk anywhere I could. If people couldn't deal with it that was fine and I avoided talking to them but adapting to them was never an option for me.
I found depression to be such a selfish illness, it wants all of you and all you've got so you can't really see anything but yourself. Sure it's not how life should be but it's how deep depression is. It drives everything you do.
SO I have to say how much I respect the strength you must have had to use to work around him as you have. Has he changed at all through this process?
Ahorse, considering i'm now a widow, yeah, it's changed. lol
I had to first learn how to approach him. Educate him in what i going thru, what i need and when i need it. After that, then he could begin to support me. The biggest tool I used was a picture of my family. When things got too painfull and i wanted to just lash out, i would look at that picture and ask myself "do i really want to hurt these people". Then i learned how to channel those energies into other things. I express myself thru creativity. Rather than be harmfull and create a stronger beast, I create beauty. Or as close to beauty as i can get at the time.
I accepted the fact that in order to get what I want and need, I had to make way for it to become a reality and not just a desire. This is what I had to do to make it real, so i didn it. Wasn't strength really, just I refuse to give in or give up.
I had to first learn how to approach him. Educate him in what i going thru, what i need and when i need it. After that, then he could begin to support me. The biggest tool I used was a picture of my family. When things got too painfull and i wanted to just lash out, i would look at that picture and ask myself "do i really want to hurt these people". Then i learned how to channel those energies into other things. I express myself thru creativity. Rather than be harmfull and create a stronger beast, I create beauty. Or as close to beauty as i can get at the time.
I accepted the fact that in order to get what I want and need, I had to make way for it to become a reality and not just a desire. This is what I had to do to make it real, so i didn it. Wasn't strength really, just I refuse to give in or give up.
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