Coming full circle.

[findingmyself]

Throughout my life, I've had bouts of depression. Some severe, and many that just left me having no idea what I was going to do and long recovery times. Somehow I pulled through. I found out later most of these issues were due to health problems, and anything mental was just a side affect. However, it wasn't until recently that I've figured this out.

But now I'm in my late 30s, I have no education, a fear of driving, and every time I find happiness something happens to make it come crashing down. This isn't paranoia. It just seems to be the outcome of everything good that's happened to me, so I'll admit a bit of PTS. But I try to stay as optimistic as possible, and not express most of it to others. People like me when I'm fun and pretend all is well. Anything else, and I seem to become quickly shunned. I try to emotionally survive by ignoring my own happiness when it interferes with others. I'm capable of unconditional love for all good people, but rarely do I have that in return. So I stuff all the negative thought down nice and deep around friends. But recently, that's become more difficult. The pressure cooker affect is coming on soon. I feel it.
In many ways, I'm blessed that for the first time, I know what I want to do with my life. I know the kind of person I want to be. But I have no idea how to get the one key element I need for it to all fit together, peaceful interactions with family.
Now the older I get, the less I like people. I have honorable friends I adore. I'm not an unfriendly person. I just want to be taken seriously when need be. If I don't have self respect, I'll never grow as a person. I deserve to matter as much as anyone, and I deserve to be spoken to in a way that reflects only what I've done to a person. I can't handle the mean tone because you say something that just might contradict what the other is saying. People can take what I say or leave it, but if they bring something up, am I really suppose to ignore my intellect or intuition, shut up and simply say, "You're probably right". Maybe so.

Then there is when you MUST oppose someone because you could personally be hurt or someone you love. When talking to another person, how do you say,

"Lets just speak clearly our opinions and come to a conclusion"?

They taught us that in group therapy when I attended back in the day. But in real life, MOST people didn't attend that class and have real issues with the peaceful approach to discovering and honoring each other's boundaries, nor follow the rules on interaction with others. And when I deal with this kind of behavior where you can't even hear each other out before drawing a final conclusion, well I rage inside where I feel ill. Just when I need all my energy to live out my life, I'm sitting here in bed writing a blog on this forum. I just want to communicate and not argue through life. I don't have the fight in me emotionally, but I am getting to where I want to put my fist through a wall sometimes.
I'm finding myself unable to relate to anyone anymore.
I'm such a patient person, but if I can't find a way to work with others in my life, I'm going to end up needing medicine to pretend I don't care.
I'm at a loss, just when most of my life is coming together. To not sabotage my own life, I literally have to find common ground, or the perfect wording to make my loved ones understand, or end up on meds again. Why am I back here in life again needing to say these things? I thought my worst nightmares were in the past.

Maybe we should all write a book called, "What to do when all those therapy taught techniques are opposed by everyone else"? lol

I just don't know where to go from here.

[Obayan]

Hi. You found a great place to come and find support.

Your story sounds a lot like the person i am right now. Or at least the person i feel like i am. I hope you find the help you need.

[findingmyself]

Thanks.

[Obayan]

How about we write a book that teaches others just what it is we go thru and how to respond in a positive way?

[dearie_yeesh]

I think it's cos people still don't fully understand what depression is all about. They seem to think we're a bunch of people whose wires just got cut one day. I hated it so much whenever i quarelled with someone that they asked me what is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong! Different people just face different issues in their life and i wish they would understand as well that depression is a problem we face and that we should have our own space to handle it. =P

Anyway, i think this forum is a good place to start off. If you can't get the support with people who don't understand, you can come over to this forum and share. I think the people here definitely understand what u go thru. Wonder why i found this only 2 years after i had the depression problem. =P

[Obayan]

(((( dearie_yeesh ))))) <--- hug

So very well said hon!