Hello everyone

[Jeanne]

Hi. My name is Jeanne. I am married with 8 kids. I have been symptomatic for depression since kindergrten. I have counseling several times in m life. I lost count really. I have tried too many medications. They all seem to give me a lot of side efects. Not worth it for me.
my husband has been my best friend and stabilzer for the past 31 years. He has recently been diagnosed with a form of arthritis that is slowly crippling him. Our plans for retirement have now changed to plans for disablity. He spends a lot of time working outside. It helps his joints to not become stiff. This leaves me feeling abandoned. I feel like a single mom most days.
I look forward to meeting everyone.

Peace,

Jeanne

[xn728]

hey jeanne welcome to the forum ,,we have all had lots of bad things in our lives ,,we all suffer in differant ways ,,but we understand each other here ,,we feel your pain and when you talk about things here i can gaurentee you wont be alone in the way you suffer ,,we wont judge ,,but we will offer words of kindness and caring ,i to have tryed many differant tablets etc ,,and my life can be very dark ,it must be hard when you feel like you husband is abandoning you ,,but dont see it like that ,,you said he has been your support all these years ,,now you must share ,,ive been depressed for 45 years ,,5 years ago my wife was diagnosed with lung
problems ,,this is a journey we now make together ,i promise it will make you both stronger ,,i know what love is weve been married 31 years ,,but you know you do grow to love each other more ,dont plan for disability ,,work with it ,dont let it rule your life ,,i to have bad arithitic pain in my neck and lower spine ,,but we still have a nice life ,it will be hard and like myself and my wife you will cry together at times but you will be strong ,ok jeanne i hope i havent bored you ..you will make many freinds here ,,i have many dear freinds here ,and they have helped me so much ,You have suffered in your life thats for sure ,and it will hurt to see your husband become worse with his artritic pain ,,you will find your way together ,you must give yourselfs time to adjust ,your love for each other will help do the rest ,,your both in my thoughts ,and now all i can tell
you is that you have come to a wonderful place ,,i hope you find what your looking for ,,and if you stumble on this long road we all walk ,,reach out and we will catch your fall !!! have a read around the forum it may help you feel at home ,,,,welcome home and hugs ((((jeanne)))),,lots of love xn728 ,,,ken xxx

[Jeanne]

Hello Ken, Thanks for the warm welcome. I have tried other chat rooms, but I l didn't really fit in. Hopefully this one will be different.
I am confused by what you said regarding disability. How can I work with it? Marty's condition dictates what we can and can't do. So many things that I would like to do with him are not possible. Simple things like going bowling, going to the symphany, taking a power walk at the nature center, or going out for dinner. He phyically can't do thses things without paying dearly for it the next day. Because his condition is degenerative, it won't get better. The doctors have not been able to affer us any form of hope. It is so hard watching my best friend vanish from my life.
At one point, I tried to distance myself from him. Bad move. Only made things worse. Problem is that I get caught up in my black and white thinking patterns. Can't ever seem to see the grey.

Peace,

Jeanne

[xn728]

oh jeanne ,the disability answer ,,wow ,,mmmm i dont want to steal your thread by talking about me ,,but its easier to explain that way ,,your husband is gonna get worse ,sorry but you know that ,,hes your best freind ,,fran my wife ,,my best freind ,,she to will get worse ,,(is) getting very bad now in fact ,,ok one day you will lose marty,,me and fran ,,i dont know ,,by the way things are going ,,i could be alone in 10 to 15 years ,,i dont know what life is alone ,,im sorry to be blunt but when that day comes i dont know how i will cope ,we used to go bike riding ,walking ,trips to the seaside ,,this all stopped 4 years ago ,,sold the bikes ,,etc ,,fran cant even walk to the car without gasping for breath ,,she cant travel in the car to far away it causes her to panic ,,but we have had to addapt ,,weve found other things to do together
its no good telling you what they are because there irrelavent to your case ,,there have been times when ive hung my head and wondered how im going to face another day ,,but you have to go on ,,you must find your own way and you will ,,we can give you support here ,and you can talk to me anytime ,,but you must not give up or give in ,your lives arent over ,,one day you will lose marty as i will fran ,,but shall we spend that time giving up and being unhappy or shall we give each other the best goddam time we can ,,these are presious times each day ,,each week ,,make it the best time ever ,,as hard as it may be ,make this time so worth while ,There may be times when you may want to do stuff on your own for a break ,have you thought of that ?and have you talked to each other about what your needs are now things are changing ?
Maybe ive helped here i dont know ,,but he,ll ive tryed ,,
always here ,,hope you enjoy the forum ,,ps there is a chat room here also ,,not my thing ,,but you may want to check it out ,,,,,
take care ,my dearest freind ,,hugs (((((jeanne))))) lots of love ken xxx

[Jeanne]

Fran is one very blessed lady. Thanks for your friendship and your time. You brought a smile to my face today.

Jeanne

[xn728]

Well thankyou (((((jeanne))))),,,im glad i could help ,,and such a kind thing for you to say ,now you have made me smile also ,,,always here ,never feel alone ,,hugs (((((jeanne and marty))))),,,,lots of love ken xxx

[Peep212]

welcome jeanne. i was born chemically imblanaced, so i get where you are coming from. unfortunately for me, no one knew WHAT was wrong with me then, but they knew i was different. it took them 38 years to figure out what was going on with me, and 13 years later i am a much happier person.

[Jeanne]

Thanks for the welcome Peep212. People have been telling me for years that I too have a chemical imbalance. The antidepressents do make me feel better, can think much more clearly, but I don't want to live with the side effects. OK. Truth is I hate the idea that my brain is "imbalanced". I'd rather fight this thing on my own. There has to be a way to overcome it without being medicated!

[xn728]

(((((jeanne)))) how are you ,,i felt compeled just to add this ,,yesterday i didnt mention you to much i was talking about marty ,,,I am chemicaly imbalanced ,,,clinical depression ,,lacking stuff in my brain ,,wont get fixed cannot be replaced ,,so i have to take certain drugs ,if i didnt i would not be of any use to my family ,,and without doubt ,i would end my life as quickly as possible ,,at the age of seven i would draw pictures on my arms with glass and stuff ,,still have those lovely reminders today ,,all im saying here is i know you want to stay drug free ,,but some times it may be nessarcerry to look at an alternative to coping without medication
the darkness can take you over before you know it ,,and then it takes a lot to get back up again ,,you have much to cope with ,,dont try to carry it all on your shoulders ,,,,hugs (((((jeanne))))),,,,dont be a stranger lots of love ken xxx

[Jeanne]

Ken,
Been in that pit myself. I hate to drive, that will be my way to go. I was driving down the freeway once about 20 years ago, I had to pull the steering wheel with all my strenght to keep from running into the median. It was strange, as if something else was in control of the wheel and I was fighting against it. Even now I catch myself wondering if a particular tree would be strong enough and how would Marty cope without me and the kids that would be in the car at the time. It has been my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ that has saved me from harm. I know that the Deciever is behind the rest. I read your post today about waking up at 2 am. and he was with you again. My heart ached for you. I hope you are strong enough to withstand him. Take care, Ken.

Peace,

Jeanne

[xn728]

OH ((((jeanne))))),,,,ive fought these demons for many years ,,ive cryed ,and ive cursed ,,ive hurt myself ,,and have prayed for death many times ,,but for what ever reason i must survive ,,right now ,i enjoy a few weeks without the visitor ,,for reasons i cant explain ,,maybe something waits for me round the corner ,and the smile will be torn from my face ,,but just for now im happy ,,and all around me shine in that happiness ,,,,thankyou my dear freind ,,for your concern ,,im pleased you came to the forum ,,we both have new freinds now !!!,,,im glad your faith in the lord is so strong ,,,hugs (((((jeanne))))),,lots of love ken xxx

[Peep212]

jeanne, my chemical imbalance had docs chasing thier own tails for many years. it showed up first s a bad liver and gave off false-positive tests for Hep-C well, when the liver got checked, it said bad gallladder. THEN, for fun and games the gall bladder test said it was a bad liver. go fig

[Jeanne]

Hey Peep212, I didn't know it could show up like that. How strange. Hope your day is going well.

[Wonder]

Hi Jeanne

I also have been depressive since I was very young - I think since maybe age two. I have had good times and bad. My husband hasn't really been my stabilizer, but he is very supportive and I can understand how lost you must feel now that your husband is ill and getting worse. I think you are very brave.

I take meds as they take the edge off the depression for me. Counseling has helped me but hasn't made the depression go away. So if it is suggested to you to take a med, they are better than they use to be and you may find one that will help.

Wishing you the best - hugs -

Wonder

[Jeanne]

Hi Wonder,

I don't feel brave. Thanks for the kind words though. Counseling was the same for me. it helped but it didn't take the depression away. It was a temperary fix. The last time, I quit because of financial reasons. it can get quite expensive very fast.

It was nice to meet you. Hope you are doing well today.

Jeanne