If this is as good as it gets, then what?

[mac58]

New to this forum, but have been on others in the past. Always felt like an outsider on the others. Everyone seemed to care and offered encourement for my plight. Once the introductions were over, however, I felt like someone not good enough to be included. Kinda like a club where I wasn't really welcome - where I was nothing more than an annoyance. Hopefully, this is different.

Perhaps I expected answers and was subsequently disappointed when I left with nothing to help. Such is life.

A little history is in order. I read forums regularly and it appears that people can name the time and circumstances when they became depressed. Almost like catching a cold. You know. You hang around a bunch of sick folks, and then you get sick. Not to difficult to trace back to the cause of your illness. The concept that somehow depression is triggered by an event makes no sense whatsoever to me cuz I've felt this way ever since I can remember-maybeI was born with it. Figured it was just the way life was and I had to play the hand I got. There was never a second chance for a better life. If an event triggers depression, then the chemical imbalance argument is invalid. If a single event causes depression, then a single event should reverse it That being said, antidepressants are being prescribed needlessly and long term therapy is unnecessary. I'm not on any meds or in therapy. Don't believe it would work anyhow.... but by my own reasoning, perhaps I should be.

At a heart level I've never considered myself worth much. Nothing more than somemone to blame for someone else's problems.

I did extremely well in school and graduated with honors from HS and College. Enrolled in a Graduate program in forensic chemistry, got all A's but never finished. Managed to justify dropping out, but in reality was scared my research project wouldn't be good enough. Took chemistry under my father and I vividly recall an exam in Freshman chem where I misinterpreted a question and answered it incorrectly. All I recall of the exam is the phrase "You Idiot!!" in bright red letters next to the misunderstood question. That was the only time I ever questioned any instructor's judgement on an exam. He reluctantly gave me the points once he understood how I made the interpretation, but the memory of being called an idiot by my father has stayed with me for the past 30-plus years. I know he loves me, but as I grew up, I think he was clueless in expressing it.

Never felt like I fit in with any particular group of people - always an outsider. In any particular social setting I find myself in multiple conversations. Listening a lot, but saying little. Currently, I socialize with a close knit group of physicians and PhDs on a regular basis. Working as a self-employed carpenter, I really feel like I'm a part of their group because I'm the 'go to' guy when they need help. At times , I feel like invitations to parties and gatherings are superficial at best. I guess I'm the token blue collar invite. Can't seem to figure why else I'd be included.

Relationships have been difficult. Married, 2 kids (One Miss America contestant, one Marine Special Ops), divorced after 25+ years. Great lady, I was a jerk and feel like I now deserve all the emotional pain and financial turmoil I'm in right now. I've always said 'what goes around comes around'. Suppose my time is up.

Sabotage other relationships. Never get too close out of fear they will see me for who I really believe I am. Nobody would want to associate with me if the really knew me. Or at least thats how I believe.

I'm a self diagnosed people pleaser. Need to have the acceptance and approval of all I encounter. God forbid I hurt or offend anyone. God forbid I don't live up to someone else's expectations. Living hell trying to keep everyone happy.

My parent's are in their 80s and slipping fast. Especially my father. His mental function is on a downhill slide and he knows it. Both parents have suggested suicide. Makes me feel like an important part of their lives-yea, right! Feel like I'm responsible for their misery.

My father is on meds for depression, goes to couseling but doesn't have the motivation to do much more than get out of bed, eat and go back to bed. My mother, a two-time polio survivor, threatens ending it all on a regular basis and I dread any conversation with her as it is emotionally and physically draining to listen to her pessimism about life. She uses kind words laced with guilt to regularly invite me to come home and see her and dad. They live on her grandfather's homestead of 1885 and realize they will be unable to keep it forever, so any time spent there involves appearance management on the out buildings and well, with my talents I again feel like the only reason I'm welcome home is to make the beloved homestead a beautiful place. I think mom is coming to the realization that she didn't beat polio and never will live the life of a physically normal person. She's bitter about the whole thing.

I honestly don't call my birthplace 'home' anymore and it is the last place I want to be. I get little hints and indicators that all my parents, mom in particular, want is for me to get my belongings off the place to make it presentable for its invevitable sale.

Financially, I"m in the dumps. Lotsa debt as a result of bad choices. Would love to better that situation, but have yet to work smart enough to get anywhere. Have decided to retire dead. Call it a forced retirement for the lack of a better description.

Daily, I contemplate ending it all, but the people pleaser in me keeps me from following thru with my demise. Honestly wonder when I can quit worrying about what others think. Would be so refreshing. I have never discussed my thoughts of suicide with ANYONE, so it would come as a complete suprise to everyone.
My 2 kids and ex-wife are the only people I honestly don't want to hurt, but my choice to end it all would take them all over the edge. I have a good idea how all three of them would react to my death.

I have managed to put on a pretty good show and may outward appearance would be no indication of my long lived and deep seated pain.

Seriously, is it selfish to end my life? If not, then why not just get it over with? I listen to my mom ramble on and on about her desire to be dead and it gets painfully old and more depressing than ever. Hence, my silence on the matter. She uses her threats to manipulate others and the last person I want to emulate is my mother, even though our thoughts are probably very similar.

I'm a left brain thinker and at times think my right brain doesn't even exist. Some thought processes elude me. Maybe it was the Phenobarbital my folks put me on as a baby. Guess I was colicky and that was the only thing the could do to get me to sleep. I must have been a huge inconvenience to them and caused them many hours of lost sleep. Am I guilty of that? Could that be a source of my depression? God, I feel like I was and continue to be a huge inconvenience to my family and everyone else I meet.

Never been to counseling or a psych for my issues. Maybe, I equate my 'mental illness' with a failure in life and I can't deal with failure. What 'idiot' likes to fail? At times I figure suicide is the easy way out. Much like my whole life. Looking for shortcuts.

I feel worthless and of no value to anyone, so what is my existence for anyway? I've managed to fake happiness and contentment most of my life, but deep inside I'm hopelessly miserable. I hope for a terminal health issue to ignore so my much desired wish to die can be fulfilled without the stigma attached to suicide.

Maybe I'm looking for love via sympathy. Hell, I'm pathetic.

In the words of Jack Nicholson, "What if this is as good as it gets?"

[Mich]

Mac58 - you are totally welcome here; you belong and hopefully you will feel that way.
I just wanted to let you know that I have read your post and can identify with many of your feelings. Severe depression and eating disorder have rendered my brain practically useless so I apologize for being unable to give any "advice". Please know that you are of value to this world, to your friends and to your family who would be devastated if you should leave them. I know it is hard to believe when you feel as you do, but it is true.
Thank you for sharing your story. It often takes tremendous courage to do so. I hope you find some comfort here as I have.......Michele.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((( Mac58 )))))))))))))

You are always welcomed here, a good place to share, vent, support. Lots of good hearted people here, honest and they reach out to help as much as they can.

There are so many things I relate with in your typing. You aren't alone dealing with things, we all do the same. Good to find others that truly understand.

I do hope you continue coming to the forums, sharing with us, becoming part of the internet family, that we are.

Warmie

[Wonder]

Welcome . . . I am fairly new here too and have found this site very warm and helpful. I agree with you that one event usually doesn't cause depression - depending on the event, I guess - but I think many events happen in some people's lives that lead to changes in the brain. And I think it's possible to be born with a susceptibility to depression. I have been depressed most of my life too. I have found therapy to be helpful only in learning to live with the problem and not make my life more difficult. Have also found meds to be helpful but not a cure.

Hope you find some of the support you need here so that things will get a little better for you. I understand about being a people pleaser and sometimes we let that get in the way of taking care of ourselves.

Hugs,
Wonder

[Peep212]

mac, welcome home. thse forums are where we can reach out to each other, and who better to know how it feels than someone that has been there? you mjight also try the chat room, a safe chat with rules and operators to help enforce them. we are a caring community here mac, both forums and chat room. as far as when anyone can pinpoint the event that triggered the depression goes, i can't. i was born this way, and it only took them 38 years to figure it out. Oh well, much better now 13 years later. There is always hope. Other sites (i ran one for a long time) ar enot as safe and comfy as DU is.; gad you found us.. hugs