New here, not new to depression
Posted: Tue May 23, 2023 10:50 pm
I was first diagnosed with MDD in 1992. Had my worst depressive episode in 2010, which resulted in a suicide attempt. Since then, I've been on the same medication, and it's worked well for me. I do have a dip during the winter, but because I live in a fairly warm climate with a short winter, that helps.
This year has been different.
I had a bad experience last year with work. Long story, but it brought up the intense feelings of failure that were the last straw for me in 2010, and it really set me back. It took me a couple of weeks to figure out it was the connection to 2010 that was affecting me.
Since then, I've talked to people at work and let them know I'm not going to accept this. For the first time, I disclosed my condition to my boss and HR, and have said, "The way I'm being treated here is making things worse, and it needs to change." They seem as though they genuinely want to be supportive.
However, it's not like everything is within their power. There are certain really dumb things this place does that do not mesh with my values. The fact that they don't value quality or attention to detail or following industry best practices is all so frustrating to me, as those are all the things I'm typically in charge of and what I excel at. But the worst of it was applying for a new role within the company--one I've actually held in the past--and not even being granted an interview for it. The reason: My similar experience was "too long ago." That basically means that nothing I have done professionally more than five years ago counts for anything here. And I've worked here for four years, in a position that's a couple of levels below where I've been previously. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't be taken seriously no matter what I do.
I have been looking for another job and submitting applications, but you know the job market is bad, plus I have zero enthusiasm for any of these roles. My confidence and my attitude are both in the toilet. I've seen a career counselor--she redid my resume and gave me a bunch of advice on searching for jobs, but that doesn't help my confidence. I have a regular therapist; I think right now she's confused about where my confidence went, because it was definitely okay when I first started seeing her a year ago. My psychiatrist is so booked up that I can't see her for another couple of weeks, and I know we need to do something about my med, but I'm already above the maximum dosage allowed and we can't go any higher. I'm so angry that this freaking job has put me in the position of possibly needing to change meds, and the last time I tried that was 2008-2010, which is what almost killed me. I do not want to go through that again.
I hate working. I hate what I do. I hate that I can't do what I'm best at, because even though that's not fun either, at least I'm good at it so it keeps me from feeling completely worthless. I feel like my skills are not transferable, and there's nothing else I'm qualified for.
I didn't expect to be on this road again, and I'm angry.
This year has been different.
I had a bad experience last year with work. Long story, but it brought up the intense feelings of failure that were the last straw for me in 2010, and it really set me back. It took me a couple of weeks to figure out it was the connection to 2010 that was affecting me.
Since then, I've talked to people at work and let them know I'm not going to accept this. For the first time, I disclosed my condition to my boss and HR, and have said, "The way I'm being treated here is making things worse, and it needs to change." They seem as though they genuinely want to be supportive.
However, it's not like everything is within their power. There are certain really dumb things this place does that do not mesh with my values. The fact that they don't value quality or attention to detail or following industry best practices is all so frustrating to me, as those are all the things I'm typically in charge of and what I excel at. But the worst of it was applying for a new role within the company--one I've actually held in the past--and not even being granted an interview for it. The reason: My similar experience was "too long ago." That basically means that nothing I have done professionally more than five years ago counts for anything here. And I've worked here for four years, in a position that's a couple of levels below where I've been previously. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't be taken seriously no matter what I do.
I have been looking for another job and submitting applications, but you know the job market is bad, plus I have zero enthusiasm for any of these roles. My confidence and my attitude are both in the toilet. I've seen a career counselor--she redid my resume and gave me a bunch of advice on searching for jobs, but that doesn't help my confidence. I have a regular therapist; I think right now she's confused about where my confidence went, because it was definitely okay when I first started seeing her a year ago. My psychiatrist is so booked up that I can't see her for another couple of weeks, and I know we need to do something about my med, but I'm already above the maximum dosage allowed and we can't go any higher. I'm so angry that this freaking job has put me in the position of possibly needing to change meds, and the last time I tried that was 2008-2010, which is what almost killed me. I do not want to go through that again.
I hate working. I hate what I do. I hate that I can't do what I'm best at, because even though that's not fun either, at least I'm good at it so it keeps me from feeling completely worthless. I feel like my skills are not transferable, and there's nothing else I'm qualified for.
I didn't expect to be on this road again, and I'm angry.