Storm Clouds and Downpours

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Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2022 9:51 am

Storm Clouds and Downpours

Postby TacoBruiseDay1 » Mon Jul 11, 2022 10:51 am

Hey everyone.

I'm new here, and I've never sought support like this before.

I had a bit of a break last night, and it scared my wife pretty good... probably much in part due to my inability to describe what I'm experiencing.

Long story short, I feel like I've got a storm cloud that follows me around. It's not always raining, but it's always there... looming.

I'm pretty good (maybe "good" isn't the right word... perhaps "effective" is more accurate) at suppressing negative feelings and emotions... wearing a smile, etc... and that isn't to say my smile is always disingenuous, its just... there's always something else there, hiding.

I am not suicidal. I don't want to die.

I do however feel like, deep inside, ever since I was a young boy, there's been a darkness. When I tried to verbalize this to my wife, I think she understood the "darkness" as being evil... which isn't accurate. The darkness is more like... emptiness. Apathy, sadness, and loneliness. I'm surrounded by love... but when the storm cloud finally breaks open, I can't stay dry.

Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2022 7:31 am

Re: Storm Clouds and Downpours

Postby Goldenrod » Wed Jul 20, 2022 9:00 am

I think you might be unhappy?
I feel the exact same way as you and i really really don’t know how i’ve come to that.
I am still very young but i really don’t understand and don’t know, what caused all of these feelings to be a big part of me.
It could be a lot of things, i am sure what you are feeling is depression and the way you described it really shows how lonely and sad you feel.
it could be that you are not satisfied with life ever since you were young, or that you are unhappy?
I am also surrounded by love but I often feel extremely lonely and mentally exhausted and nothing serious happened to me during my childhood so i don’t know why i am depressed.

By the way, you said that you are “good” at hiding and suppressing your feelings, it could be that you are going through an identity crisis? Or that you cannot be 100% honest with yourself and to the people around you?

I always put on a mask around people, at school i am a complete different person, but at home i am completely myself and i think that the “show” i put on at school is a way to protect myself from people because I don’t want to be disliked or judged by anyone that i end up crushing my self-worth and self-love.. I am trying to be more honest but putting on a “show” has become a habit that i automatically do it and it is so so draining and annoying to suppress my real feelings, i often feel like i am suffocating and i really can’t take it anymore.

My advice (that i should also take) is to try to be more honest and to not make it harder for us, to not hide who we really are.

At this point i really think we need therapy.

It is also crazy how i can relate to you even tho i am so young and you are already married..

I hope everything goes well for you ! Be patient in life and with time it’ll get easier :) !!

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