Depression Understood Forums

Hello, it's so nice to be here writing this to get this off my chest. So I just joined last night when I took a blade to my skin. I didn't cut myself, but I did come close. Recently, my stepmom left my dad and I am feeling the backlash. She was someone I deeply trusted and went to with my problems and joys in life. I already have a history of cutting and depression/anxiety. This is nothing new. But before she left, everything was fine. I was loved and I cared deeply for life. I enjoyed my school, books, the beach, drawing, laughing, baking, and so much more. But then covid hit. There was tension between my parents during this time. Looking back, I now see that this was when things were going downhill for them. We learned to adjust to being inside. I learned to keep my temper on a leash. However, there were times where I wanted to scream at my stepmom and younger sisters.
Before they broke up, I had been doubting my stepmom and there was tension between us. In the short amount of time with covid, I developed feelings of hate and anger towards her. I would be so annoyed at her voice or at her lack of attention towards us children ( technically teenager, but I'm still a child at heart ). She would always be so busy with making music and working out. She didn't have much time for us. She would always be cooped up in her office doing god knows what. I didn't even know what she did most of the time ( not like that is any of my business ). We would have to make dinner by ourselves a lot during the summer and the start of this school year. I resented her for the pressure she put me under when we finally went back to school. I was expected to have perfect grades for every report card. it put me under a lot of stress. I was able to get perfect grades the year before. I was proud of myself and tired. However, when I was unable to provide these results this year, I thought of myself as stupid, worthless, a waste of space. Can't even understand simple math. I would beat myself over a B because it wasn't an A. I ingrained into myself that my A's equaled my worth. I still believe that to an extent. I constantly wanted to please my stepmom and I would do that through my grades, unintentionally losing myself and some of my passions. The year I got all A's, I didn't draw much, I didn't listen to the music I liked, I wasn't able to go on youtube to watch funny cat videos, I wasn't able to read as much as I would have liked to. I didn't have much 'me' time that year. I put my stepmom on a pedestal and she was someone I HAD to please because that was how much I was worth. And then she left. She doesn't live here anymore. I don't have anyone in the house that I trust that much. I don't talk to anyone about my problems like I talked to her. Now my grades are slipping. I'm losing sleep. I'm losing my passion for the things I love to do. I'm losing my focus. Everything is going downhill. My depression is hurling back at me. I just need someone to talk to that knows what this heavy, numbing feeling is. Someone who won't judge, by knowing exactly what I'm talking about. Someone who will just listen. Listen and be there for me. I don't know what to do. I don't blame my problems on my Stepmom, but her leaving was the trigger for this dark period in my life at the moment. She was the start of events that brought me here today writing this in the hope I can find my place with you guys. Where I could belong. And just be me. Thanks to anyone who read this. I hope I can belong here.

Hello. I need someone to talk to. I feel like I am in a hole, not sure of the thoughts I have. Its mostly about Bill's, money.This seems to be mine Maine problem.

Hi there. Money is mostly all of our problems and it's hard to find a solution although when you think about it, it's just paper.

But what do we need money for? Can't we live simply? I know it's easier said than done especially when you have a family to support.

Dear Fey, When I was young is when the 'Black Cloud' would come over me for a few days. I had no coping skills back then. I would just wake up one morning and the cloud had left. Much later in life I told a doctor about it because, although the cloud was episodic, it was leaving lasting effects on my work and those around me. I still find myself in a dark tunnel several times a month, it is not as lasting.

Thanks

CamGirl wrote:Hi there. Money is mostly all of our problems and it's hard to find a solution although when you think about it, it's just paper.

But what do we need money for? Can't we live simply? I know it's easier said than done especially when you have a family to support.

When we realize that happiness is in the small and free things, that's when we'd be totally happy.

Hey, I’m sorry that this happened to you and you’re feeling this way. You are worth more than anyone’s expectations and I hope one day you’ll realise it. There’s not much I can say except you’ve been heard. I understand exactly what you mean even if we don’t experience it the same way it’s still the same dark hole that we’re falling down. I can’t catch you but I’ll hold your hand. I like the song “Got it in you” by Banners, give it a listen if you haven’t heard it before. From one stranger to another, I hope you find your way out soon, I’m routing for you <3