Missing Clarity of Suicidality

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yikeu
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Apr 15, 2021 2:32 pm
Location: Austria
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Missing Clarity of Suicidality

Postby yikeu » Fri Apr 16, 2021 8:22 am

Hi.
To begin with, my Username in the Chat is „eacepale“. I did used this Nick in an MMOFPS.
Connected with the Name, I got a story about it. When I was younger, those friends I had started challenging each other by jumping from an tower into the Water and similar other disciplines in the Water where rivality bloomed. Even socially, they drew this further. Sometimes therefore, as I am not the greatest swimmer, not into rivality and challenges basing on it, I went sometimes in long Pants, Long Sleeves in Black to the Public Bath. That Left my Skin Tone Pale, but Peacefully.

P_eace is further a Discussion in my Life. I can not describe what does not fit in my Life, in my Perception of my Life. I am into Suicide Assistance. Suicidality raised with the first Intimate Relationship I had by Age 16. That Suicidality did decreased only few Times in my Life - when I had an outrageous fruitful social Life, after an 1460 Volts Electrocution and when I had a Date last year for 5 Days.

On the other Side, only the End of the first Intimidate Relationship, an accidential happening arrest and the end of the 5 Day long Date following an Cut in Contact weeks after caused Suicidality. Oh, and when I was long Time without any Purpose in my Activities, Life, Free Time, I develop Suicidality or when I lose Important Devices or Skills for Communication, my Identity or get my Plans for the Future gravely busted, I develop Suicidality.

Sadness is another thing. The missing of Hope is my Seed of Sadness, the Seed of Unhappiness. I swore myself in after my first Intimate Relationship that I will continuue on smoking Cigarettes as long as I am depressed.

My Age is 25, I define myself as Human. My Relationships are Queer. I get 1.300€ a Month, I do not follow any Job. I do not expect to fill my Life with an Job, with an New Flat simply. Assistance in Dying Matters is going to be enacted next Year in Austria. I am applying for the first row.

yikeu
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Apr 15, 2021 2:32 pm
Location: Austria
Contact:

Re: Missing Clarity of Suicidality

Postby yikeu » Fri Apr 16, 2021 11:47 am

My Situation is being in the End of the 3rd Section of my Life.
The First Section from 0-19 been kind of an Normality.
The Second Section 19-21 Psychosis and Relief from it.
The Third Section 21 - 25 Amnesia and Relief from it.

yikeu
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Apr 15, 2021 2:32 pm
Location: Austria
Contact:

Re: Missing Clarity of Suicidality

Postby yikeu » Sat Apr 17, 2021 3:51 am

Trying to Display „Normality“ - as good as I make it.

0 - 3 yrs: Born in Austria, Upper Austria, my earliest Feeling Memory is maybe not from me, or is it me from another ones Eyes? I‘ve been on a Swing, or at least the Girl I saw was on a Swing. We lived during the Times on a Lake, somewhere there is no Swing.
Outside that, I remember being around the Lake a little bit, I was never alone the Baby I‘ve had been.
I had an older brother, something that I do merely remember at the End of the 3 first Years of Life.
To the end of the 3 Years, my little Brother been born when we lived on our second House, in an Village then.

yikeu
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Apr 15, 2021 2:32 pm
Location: Austria
Contact:

Re: Missing Clarity of Suicidality

Postby yikeu » Sat Apr 17, 2021 4:53 am

4 - 10 yrs: Suddenly I start making Memories. By Age 5, it is the Year 2000.
I play Video Games with an Weapon as Controller. The first Picture of my Life are being made.
The first Videos of my Childhood. I start learning Bicycling, and soon I am in Kindergarten, but somehow,
I do not connect to the Other Children, and the Connection that are been pushed on to me are just about
Playing Games, Hide and Seek, Catching each other.
My older brother is Teaching me a bit German, Teaching me some Maths. I excel from there on myself on those Skills.
I get befriended with the Neighbourhood, I am age 6 and my little brother 4, already also excelled learning to Bicycle, we both play with the Child from the Neighbourhood.
We also own an Computer where we start playing Games. We‘ve made a Timetable, but my older Brother does not care about it, says he is the oldest, therefore does have the most privileges among us Children. Does even use Force, attacks me, attacks my Little brother. My Parents are Guarding my older Brother.
Occasionally due the the Conflicts, my Father attacks me. My Little Brother attacks me because I try to show my older Brother his Place as Human. Yes, I lost already ever connection to my Family and I have nobody Left in my Life to put my Trust into.

By the same Age, we move to the Town which is the next to the Village. I did not had felt like I‘d miss anything about the Farm House which weren‘t even apart from Town, it was the closest to the Kindergarten, the School and the Church.

However, we Life until today in the same House which had been renovated, Improved and such over Time.
My Kindergarten changed, I found new Friends but still weren‘t connected to any of those properly. I was Rope Jumping around, doing Maths and was already tired of the underchallenging being, living, passing of the Days.

By Age 8 I enter the Primary School. The Friend I got weren‘t close to me at all. The Girls been cute, but weren‘t able to be befriended at all. I had a Friend again who was in the Neighbourhood. Had another in the Neighbourhood.

I drove Bicycle with Friends around Town. My Siblings eventually joined in. We had an Playstation at Home after the the Console in between broke. But it was merely an rare matter to use the PC. I started reading first Article-Streaks in Wikipedia.
I am Age 10. My Friend in the Neighbourhood does get into an Accident Involved during trying to Enhance our Cognitive Skills.
We get divided, but we are in the same class. I am out of Friends again.

yikeu
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Apr 15, 2021 2:32 pm
Location: Austria
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Re: Missing Clarity of Suicidality

Postby yikeu » Sat Apr 17, 2021 6:28 am

11 - 14 yrs: I can not tell if this was the Impact that caused my Engagement into the School to Decay. I drifted away from Homework, I did not felt good at Home. I went to the Other Classes to find Friends, or to met them I had outside of School.
So it happened, we decided to chose for the same School to attend, so I could be in Class with Friends in the Middle School.

But, aged 12, when we had to tell about our Plans for the Time after Primary School, all of the Year are sitting in the Gym and have to display their Plans. I did said, I want to go for the Gymnasium (Middle + High School) but got told from the Teacher that I am too Stupid for that to take, that hurted. Neither was I allowed to go to Sport Middle School, to Music Middle School or to New Media Middle School. No, I got disposed at the „Normal Middle School“ where nothing even Matters, People being Unsensitve and Harmful, where all you learn is literally nothing more than you did have had learned in the Primary School, where the Teacher do Rant and People being Nationalsocialistic, Antisemitic and such.
I tried to make the best out of it, I did made it be Class Representative. But my Engagement into Classes decayed, Activity outside the School helped me to be not around my „Family“, which in turn did not allowed me to do so.
Aged 13, I fell affectionate towards an Girl around my Age. It was the first Time, we exchanged Poetry and Lovely Talks, but we were unable to make an lasting Contact into each other. That was the Time when I had been depressed for the first Time.
I tried to hide into excessive Video Games at 2am - waking up for that, so I could Play Undisturbed these Strategy Games. Around 5am I made my Homework, it was more Sane to do my Homework when Nobody was around.

I am not class representative anymore, and I seek out new Friends as, when I fell in Love, I lost the Connection to my Friends outside the School. I searched in my School in different classes but could not connect. I tried it in Sports Middle School, I tried it in Music Middle School but those took my Deodorant and set each others in Flames. Not the Best Setting to find Friends. I attended my Friends at the New Media Middle School Class, but were unable to Connect again.

Aged 14, I found some Friends in the Middle School Gymnasium, they were on the same Wave as I am. Eventually a Girl wanted to be kissed from me, but I was Infatuated by the Friend of her and did actually only engaged with her. She ran away with my Phone, it was hilliarious. So I ran every Break I could from School to School which is around 500 Meters and exactly 12 Levels inside buildings.

I even went into OS Modification, made my own Graphics, did changed System Setting, programmed even my own Code and transferred Games for my Device which would elsewise not be able to be ran on it. I changed Driver Codes for Camera and for the Loudspeaker so it was to my desires.

The next Year, I should leave Middle School.

yikeu
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Apr 15, 2021 2:32 pm
Location: Austria
Contact:

Re: Missing Clarity of Suicidality

Postby yikeu » Sat Apr 17, 2021 12:02 pm

15 - 17 yrs: The Middle School ended, but the Last Day of School had been depressing, even when I had been among others. I did not felt to belong, not attractive or appreciated after all, even when I was along.
I applied the Business Academy. I wrote my Crush about it which told me to plan to visit that School also.
The Summer went by depressed still. It went fast.
I failed at the Entry Examen, but told I did it on purpose to be able to be in Class with my Crush.
I graded good in School. I copied the Homework, but been brilliant at the Tests.
We had someone in the Class using the Phrase „I‘m Dying“, or „Old Fellow, I am gonna Die“ constantly.
I still went to the Friends in the Gymnasium every Break I could - now in the same Building.
Right the First Days, People from the Gymnasium been Fighting over me, tearing me apart from my Arms.
Got to be a Couple with some Girl, someone who ran over me, kissing me without me accepting it - I said I do not like to.
A moment of Sadness. The first Kiss to went by so fast. Somehow, I lost my discretion upon her and accepted Lessons in Kissing which I really did not needed at all. One Day, in the Park, I tried to Intimidate even when I weren‘t planing it, it was kind of Surreal, nothing I would Identify myself with. It was the First Time that something of that Type happened.
A week later, People from other Schools getting an first Impression about our Classes joined us for a Lesson. Some Girl forgot her Bag, and I said I‘m gonna bring it to her. We made up some Date by occasional.

We drunk a Week later in the School Alcohol, went Walking the Park, and some Streets. The Relationship I already had got Informed about the Kiss. I told the Truth and been Confronted to Decide between?

So, I decided for the one who did not pushed herself on to me. But our Relationship really fast got poisoned.
We were unable to Manage our Relationship between each other. She was unable to express her, I was unable to be understood even when I tried really my best. I ended Age 17 with Suicidality and Depression, I wanted to Jump in front of a Train.

A Phone call which I mocked in Future to nobody to understand what did happened there saved me, but it was really as if someone took there my Hand. That Year, my Friend been all very engaged to discretely to serve my Depression, not my Lust.
I did for two Year engaged into my Memories, I did tried to express my Pain in Public on my facebook Account.

Oh I forgot, I lost during these Years my First Tumblr Account!


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