completely hopeless
Posted: Fri Apr 02, 2021 5:32 am
hi, I’m new here. I truly feel like I have nobody to talk to, i feel so lonely even when i’m not alone. i guess i just needed somewhere to vent if that’s ok. i’m so anxious all the time, and very depressed. i can’t sleep because my mind is always going a million miles a minute, and it’s always about something terrible. lately i’m terrified that one of my family members is going to pass away unexpectedly, and just writing that down makes me think i’m somehow putting it out into the universe and jinxing it or something. i’ve been diagnosed with ocd and bipolar disorder. i have a psychiatrist who i’ve seen for at least two years and whenever i made any sort of progress everything ends up falling apart and i’m back at square one. so it feels like i’ve wasted so many years making no progress, just wasting money and time. my anxiety has gotten worse ever since june last year when i was hit by a semi track in my small car, which was totaled. i wasn’t seriously injured but feel completely traumatized to the point i’m afraid to drive most of the time. people think i’m overreacting and maybe i am, i don’t know. it took me 8 years to graduate from college and now that i have my degree i realize how useless the subject i’ve chosen is, and how little actual work experience i have. i’m 26 with no job and feel like a complete and total failure. i feel like i have absolutely no purpose. i used to be suicidal and attempted suicide before, but i am not anymore. i’m too afraid of death and what comes after it. i’m extremely sensitive, to a fault. i take everything personally, i can’t handle criticism, and i’m afraid maybe it’s too late for me to learn how now. the inside of my head is never quiet, i feel completely exhausted from the intrusive thoughts, especially at night. i don’t feel like i have anyone in my life who understands how i’m feeling, or even wants to try. i want to scream from the rooftops that i’m not doing well and i don’t feel like anyone cares just to see if someone does. but what if my cries for help are ignored, which i feel like they would be. i just feel stuck, without purpose, no direction in life, completely and utterly hopeless. i’m sorry this is so long, and thank you to anyone who read it