Depression Understood Forums

First time admitting that I may be dealing with depression, can't/won't let anyone around me know. When I was around 18-19 the person I saw as a father figure my brother and my best friend killed himself, he was 31. I went into a downward spiral and drove everyone away because I couldn't handle the thought of losing someone like that again, so I broke off my engagement with my girlfriend of 5 years distanced myself from friends and family for years. I've since gotten good with family and help raise my recently passed sisters kids, have a great job which I actually just got promoted at. But (and as we all know the but is were everything goes wrong) I never feel like I deserve anything I get no matter how hard I worked to earn it, I always feel like their all going to realize it too and that'll be the end of it. It's the same with any relationships I have, no matter how good things are going I find a way to sabotage them or abruptly end them to avoid them getting to attached and them realizing they with an empty vessel lacking emotion and true feelings.
But hey I guess this is a bit much for an introduction, so yeah not sure what I'm looking to get out of all this. I guess it just feels good to put this somewhere with no one I know seeing it and not actually having to deal with my problems

Its always good to get out things of your chest.

I think you should think in a clear way all you just said, and find a way to balance all that, try to enjoy more, dont put such a weight on you.

Deeply sorry to hear about your brother lost.