Wishy-washy brain

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Mousey j
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Apr 27, 2020 1:56 am

Wishy-washy brain

Postby Mousey j » Mon Apr 27, 2020 3:53 am

Hey y'all, just another new person chiming in with the desire to be validated :)
I'm having trouble deciding if I'm in a toxic relationship, or if I'm just choosing to be dissatisfied. That sounds so stupid outside of my head! How could I not know?! Honestly I think I do until I talk to my spouse and then some how I'm not sure what I think anymore. I am medicated for depression- I fought it without meds most of my life. After our special needs child was finally able to come home from the hospital and was stable enough that I was no longer terrified of her dying if I wasn't staring at her I just shut down so I began talking meds. It helped amazingly well for a while (I was truly shocked regular people didn't think about suicide at all let alone all day long) but gradually it stopped. Now years later I struggle with getting up in the morning, cleaning the house, getting literally anything done aside from working my dead end job. I've changed meds and found one that at least helps a little, but I have no real joy at all other than my kids (now teens with typical attitude) and obsessively losing my self in happy ever after books. Daily I feel like giving up, but don't want to leave my kids with just their dad and no one to stem his temper. I feel hopeless that I will ever pull my ...crap... together and figure out how to be happy- maybe I'm just hell bent on being miserable, Idk. It's gonna sound really dumb but part of me feels like I can't leave my husband because at this age and with his refusal to accept that he has his own mental health demons he will be alone and miserable. I'm not sure he could manage bill paying on his own. He has never had the ability to handle $. He is a type a personality and EVERYTHING is about him, and if not then he rants and raves at us. I have 1 door that he hasn't broken in my house, and he hasn't fixed anything that he has broken. Ever. One of the few times I stood to to toe with him he ripped not just the door but ¾ of the frame out of the wall because the door didn't open fast enough. He calls constantly but talks about nothing and gets upset if I don't want to talk. (Reminds me of a teenage girl with her first boyfriend) I don't think I love him anymore but I don't want to hurt him, or screw up my kids even more. Ugh! Does anyone else feel this way or am I just pathetic?

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