Depression Understood Forums

Hi, so I have been fighting depression for a long time. I am a 47 year old man that has a lot of health issues. I have had triple bypass a mini stroke etc.. One of my many doctors has given me 3-8 years to live. Personally I really don't see a reason to keep living but I will not take my own life.

Yes this is going to sound wrong but I think it would be much easier and cheaper to take my own life. I love God and believe all things happen for a reason, just some things suck lol. I have 1 daughter and a grand daughter, people say fight for them. I know this will sound selfish but just my thoughts, I have been trying but don't see a reason to. I do think about ending it a lot but know that is the wrong option.

I find it hard to want to get up and keep going, especially when I know my time is limited. I know this sounds weird but it seems like my heart has broken and can not love the way it should. I have always been a very loving and caring man, have wanted to love and be loved. But the love i wanted was holding a woman in my arms and feeling the passion/love that drives us all from her.

All I can think about is when will the end come, I am ready. I have made my piece with God, and almost all of my debt is gone. Now I sit and wait and pray that maybe it will come sooner.

Maybe I can be a warrior for God, I would love that.

Hey Joshuat47,

Time is an intriguing concept, it's one that I often struggle with in my attempt to uncover what is causing my depression. I find myself asking, "What IS time?", we typically define it as the past, present, and future. Well, what is that? The past only exists because we have memories, if we didn't remember anything, there wouldn't really be a "past", no one would recall it. The future is yet to exist, anything can happen at any point in time. I could walk across the street and get hit by a bus today, I don't know what's coming. All that leaves is the here and now, this very precious moment. This is what I try and keep in mind during my daily struggle.

Hi Joshuat,

I can’t even begin to imagine what I would be like if I had been given an actual estimate of my time left on earth.

I certainly don’t think it is unreasonable that you feel this way.

Perhaps make it a matter of prayer. Keep talking to God, ask him for guidance, strength, peace, and wisdom.

Perhaps until your time is up, you can give your loved ones the best time ever with you. Give them the greatest memories of you—as a strong person who lived life to the full until their last breath.

Of course, I am not in your situation. I would like to think that is what I would do, but we never really know how we will cope when it actually happens.

But with all my heart, I really do think that would be the most loving thing to do for both you and your family.

I remember when my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer at 82 years old.

Before she was diagnosed, she was coughing a lot and often out of breath. For two years, the doctor prescribed her cough medicine. It wasn't until after two years that the doctor finally did a proper diagnosis and discovered it was lung cancer.

There was nothing that could really be done because of her age, and the cancer had become more advanced.

After she was diagnosed, my grandmother went downhill rapidly. She died two months later.

Do you know what I remember?

I don’t remember a sick woman. That is NOT my last memory of her.

Why?

Because she didn’t show it. She was a strong, hard woman. She was her usual self—loving, caring, thoughtful, abrupt, short tempered, impatient… that’s my nan!

She spent those final moments mostly sleeping, as she was very tired. But she kept doing her duties of cooking, grocery shopping, and housework to the best of her ability. She never once complained. She never once felt sorry for herself. She never once stopped being a wife, a mother, or a grandmother. She would even still bake cakes for other people in her club meetings. She even wanted to give a knitted beanie to a friend that she was meant to give a while back. She just kept giving and doing things for other people when now was the time for people to do things for her. But she never changed her ways, even with death knocking on the door.

I witnessed this behavior, and I have never been so proud before! This made me so proud that she was my nan, more than ever! I admired her strength and courage. She knew she was dying. Psychologically she must have been stressed, worried, and anxious. But she never showed it in both her words or actions.

She knew that she was dying and accepted it. She has always said, "we all gotta go some time, so no use worrying about it". So even though she knew she was dying, she also knew she couldn't just stop living because of it. She still had responsibilities and chores to do. She still had friends to see and places to go. Life didn't stop for her. Even in hospital in her final hours when someone asked how she was, she was like, "yeah, I'm alright. What's the matter with you?"

So my last memory of her is of a grandmother that I can be proud of. A grandmother that I can say I have her blood running through my veins and I hope that I can be just as strong as her in any situation.

Because of her act of strength in her final moments, I have made an effort to make the best life I can for myself. Just in those couple of months I learnt so much about her. And the way she coped has made me an even stronger person because I aspire to that. She left me the greatest legacy—her strength, her courage, and endless act of giving.

I hope the story of my darling grandmother will encourage you to leave a legacy for your family, just as she did for me.

A question I would ask myself in that situation would be… what last memory do I want my family to have of me? What legacy do I want to pass on to them before my time is up?

All the best, my friend.

Joshuat47 wrote:Hi, so I have been fighting depression for a long time. I am a 47 year old man that has a lot of health issues. I have had triple bypass a mini stroke etc.. One of my many doctors has given me 3-8 years to live. Personally I really don't see a reason to keep living but I will not take my own life.

Yes this is going to sound wrong but I think it would be much easier and cheaper to take my own life. I love God and believe all things happen for a reason, just some things suck lol. I have 1 daughter and a grand daughter, people say fight for them. I know this will sound selfish but just my thoughts, I have been trying but don't see a reason to. I do think about ending it a lot but know that is the wrong option.

I find it hard to want to get up and keep going, especially when I know my time is limited. I know this sounds weird but it seems like my heart has broken and can not love the way it should. I have always been a very loving and caring man, have wanted to love and be loved. But the love i wanted was holding a woman in my arms and feeling the passion/love that drives us all from her.

All I can think about is when will the end come, I am ready. I have made my piece with God, and almost all of my debt is gone. Now I sit and wait and pray that maybe it will come sooner.

Maybe I can be a warrior for God, I would love that.

If you love god, then fight for your health to improve. God wants that for you. Suffering is not the will of god. Command these illnesses away. Use your faith and Get your doctor to clear you of healing. Do what is required to get the blessing in your love life. Be a warrior for god because it will be a powerful testimony and your success will inspire others. Testimonies are powerful things or at least they can be, depending on the situations you go through. Overcome using your faith and then proclaim your success at church.