I dont know anymore

Introductions and welcomes.

Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, vince13, Maelstrom, Astrid

Blonde614
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2019 3:30 am

I dont know anymore

Postby Blonde614 » Mon Apr 08, 2019 11:43 pm

Long plea for help and advice. Im near crisis mode.

What triggered it is something stupid, but it goes deeper than what is on the surface. The past 4 animals that were brought into my home my opinion didnt matter on. My opinion was invalid. Granted, one of them my opinion was in fa or of keeping, but even if i wasnt it wouldnt have mattered.

Its not the animals fault, yet i feel so angry and wont go beyind basic feeding the cats for any kind of help with them. I dont actively pet them unless they stick there butt in my face. Wont offer any financial help for them. Which isnt fair to them.
Im so angry and feel unimportant around where i live with my family. None of my opinions matter, nor do i myself matter. That makes me angry.

So i cut myself. I took a safety pin (couldnt find any of my knives, and didnt want to cut to deep) and slashed up my upper arm. The pain is my anger and depression. I dont know what else to do with my anger.

My dad was an angry man the past 4 years of his life (due to his mental state declining to alchoholism). He would take out his anger on people and animals. I dont want to do that. I dont want to hurt someone. I would rather hurt myself than others, so I cut.

Its my greatest fear to end up like him, and I feel that part of the blood in my veins.
I need to escape, i need to get out. For awhile or permantely i dont know.

Theres many things im realizing my opinion was not important in. But i know theres also some that it did not matter in but i cant think of any cause my brain is to far in crisis to think straight.

No one views me as most important, nor even second important really. Not unless Im pushed to near crisis does that happen.

Im unimportant to everyone, and my opinions or thoughts dont matter. That has even shown with my friends. My problems are always pushed to the back, never up front. Even in crisis mode.
I feel so lonely and uncared for.

Elfje
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2019 5:43 pm

Re: I dont know anymore

Postby Elfje » Tue Apr 09, 2019 2:47 am

Sweet human being,
I hope I can offer you some silence in your head.
First off all: Don't call your trigger(s) stupid. Everyone has their own triggers and that's okay, no matter how small, big or silly they seem.

I'll tell a little story about myself, if you don't mind, to show you that I somewhat understand you and I know how you feel.

When I grew up, we adopted a dog, a sweet white 5-year old Jack Russell. She was the only one that was always there for me, it seemed like only she truly cared about me. Fast forward 11 years, we unfortunately had to put her down.
I was the only one in my family that had such an intense connection with her, so I reacted differently, more intense, than the rest.
1,5 years later they all wanted a new dog, but I was NOT ready for that at all. I was still in the first phase of mourning. (Mourning is a thing I have a difficulty with.)
So when my parents and little brother went on their yearly vacation to France, they WhatsApped me that they were going to meet a dog and quite possibly take him home. Not once did they ask me if I was okay with it, my opinion truly didn't matter.
My mom even literally said that to me, because at that time I wasn't home much.
Of course, I had a huge fight with my parents, because you want to be and feel understood. And it really seemed like they don't care.
I had a really cold relationship with the new dog, didn't even pet him, didn't walk him, I wanted nothing to do with him. 3 years later I still feel very distant and cold towards the dog and I'm still angry at my parents for not taking my feelings into consideration, but a dog is a dog, so I can't resist petting him and playing with him these days.

Your hate overshadows everything and I understand that. You know it's not the animals their fault, you are smart enough for that. You are obviously hurting, literally and figuratively. I don't know if my word has any worth to you, but I really don't think you'll ever end up like your dad.
From what I can read, you're not at all like him.
Don't be afraid that you might fall into his habits, because you're so different and so much stronger than him. You know how you DON'T want to be, keep that into your head, instead of the fear that there's a tiny chance you'll end up like him.
Blood and genetics usually don't mean shit.

Is there anything else you can do to direct your anger at? It truly makes me sad that you see hurting yourself as the only direct way to cope with the anger. Because we both know it's unnecessary and it doesn't help you in the long run.
Any sports, boxing or running or something? It's healthy and you can sport your anger and aggression out of your system.
Cleaning? < That's my go-to coping mechanism, pretty helpful.

Why does it seem to you that you, basically, don't matter in your family? Is it because of their actions, or is it maybe because of your actions and their reactions on that?
Have you ever tried sitting everyone down and just tell them how not okay you are and how serious it is? I know that sounds completely nuts, because why would you ever be so personal with people that don't seem to care about you?
But it may be possible they act this way because they don't understand you. They don't understand where all this anger and sadness comes from, so they link that behaviour directly to you as a human being, because they don't know better.
You could try it. You won't know if you'll never try.
As regarding to your friends: Do they know how serious this all is? There is a possibility they may view your issues as 'non-important', because they don't know what truly goes on inside of your head.
And if they know how serious it is and still don't care: I'm sorry, but it's time to find new friends. Easier said than done, I know.

Try to see the animals as just what they are, animals. I'm sure you love animals. Try to not project anything on them, try different things to see them as a positive thing. Until you move out, the animals will stay in the house you live in. You are hurting yourself because you act so coldly towards the animals, but it's quite possible you don't/can't see that.

I, of course, can be completely wrong about everything I type here, but I don't think that I am.
I don't know if it's your taste, but I recommend listening to Kerli - Better.
That song helps me feel stronger and a bit better, whenever I feel shit.

This has become a whole book, my goodness. I hope you don't mind reading so much.

I know I'm just a stranger on the internet, but just know: I care. I really truly honestly care. You are not alone in this.

Blonde614
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2019 3:30 am

Re: I dont know anymore

Postby Blonde614 » Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:10 pm

Thank you so much for your response, it helps so much to know im not the only one who felt that. I ca try to look into boxing or maybe try cleaning. I dont like the pain on my arm that comes after, ill try to find a better way. And ill try to talk to them, but idk how to even bring it up. Everyone else seemed to have accepted it and moved on.
Thank you for saying im not like my dad, that means a lot to know.

Elfje
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2019 5:43 pm

Re: I dont know anymore

Postby Elfje » Tue Apr 09, 2019 5:16 pm

I decided to ask my parents to sit down because I had a serious subject that I wanted to talk about, a subject that really troubled me. My family was over my dog's death in a few weeks, and I don't understand that. I still have difficulty with even looking at pictures of her.
So, just let them know that this is something that is really important to you and that you hope they'll listen to you with an open mind.
No matter how you're going to do it, and if you're even going to do it, I wish you all the luck in the world. You can do this!

If you ever need to talk to someone, or want to let go of your frustrations or whatever, my inbox is always open. :)
I love helping people (making them feel better, especially). That's a coping mechanism for my own depression, in a weird way.

I hope my reply helped you enough to feel a bit better, even if it's only for a hour or so.

Spleefy
Posts: 240
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:54 am

Re: I dont know anymore

Postby Spleefy » Sun Aug 25, 2019 1:02 pm

Hi Blonde64,

I’m sorry you are going through so much since the time of writing.

You are important to all of us and, most of all, to Jehovah God. Whether you believe in God or not you are still just as precious.

I hope and pray you have found a bit of peace in your life.

Elfje parted with some comforting words and practical advice. Rather than reiterate, I will just add to it.

What I find helpful is that, if I want people to see me a certain way then I need to see myself that way. For example, if I want others to love me, then I need to love myself. If I want others to respect me, then I need to give myself respect. If I want others to see me as important, then I need to see myself as important. Does this make sense?

See yourself the way you want others to see you! Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you!

Sometimes even other people’s reassurance is not enough unless we believe it for ourselves. So believe you are important! Believe you have value! Believe that you matter just as everybody else! Believe that you have self-worth! Believe that your opinions and thoughts matter! Give yourself the care that you want other people to give to you.

It is something we all must learn in life because this life can be harsh. You will get people trying to make you stumble. We can’t depend on or wait around for others to give us love or reassurance, but instead we must give it to ourselves first.

It also helps to have God because he will ALWAYS love and value us. He does not discriminate, either. If you have strong relationship with God, you will rely less on other people’s reassurances because you’ll be getting so much of it already!!!

I hope this doesn’t come across as negative. It is actually a positive thing to develop a strong relationship with ourselves. That is something that many of us do not do, but exclusively rely on others to fill that role for us. When it doesn’t happen, we are disappointed, disheartened, sad, lonely, and feel uncared for.

For the record, you are cared for. We don’t know you, but we love you and care about you. I wouldn’t worry too much about the minority that do not feel that way about you. This may also mean you need to find better associations that will give you love and support as you would them.

I don’t have a strong relationship with my blood family. I also know I will never get the love and support I want from them. But I do have a spiritual family and friends that fill that role beyond anything I could ever imagine. In Psalm 27:10 it reads: “Even if my own father and mother abandon me, Jehovah himself will take me in.” This is what Jehovah has offered, and he has delivered on that promise!!!

Just some things to think about.

Prycejosh1987
Posts: 424
Joined: Sun May 31, 2020 10:54 am
Location: Birmingham UK

Re: I dont know anymore

Postby Prycejosh1987 » Sat Jun 06, 2020 4:46 am

Blonde614 wrote:Long plea for help and advice. Im near crisis mode.

What triggered it is something stupid, but it goes deeper than what is on the surface. The past 4 animals that were brought into my home my opinion didnt matter on. My opinion was invalid. Granted, one of them my opinion was in fa or of keeping, but even if i wasnt it wouldnt have mattered.

Its not the animals fault, yet i feel so angry and wont go beyind basic feeding the cats for any kind of help with them. I dont actively pet them unless they stick there butt in my face. Wont offer any financial help for them. Which isnt fair to them.
Im so angry and feel unimportant around where i live with my family. None of my opinions matter, nor do i myself matter. That makes me angry.

So i cut myself. I took a safety pin (couldnt find any of my knives, and didnt want to cut to deep) and slashed up my upper arm. The pain is my anger and depression. I dont know what else to do with my anger.

My dad was an angry man the past 4 years of his life (due to his mental state declining to alchoholism). He would take out his anger on people and animals. I dont want to do that. I dont want to hurt someone. I would rather hurt myself than others, so I cut.

Its my greatest fear to end up like him, and I feel that part of the blood in my veins.
I need to escape, i need to get out. For awhile or permantely i dont know.

Theres many things im realizing my opinion was not important in. But i know theres also some that it did not matter in but i cant think of any cause my brain is to far in crisis to think straight.

No one views me as most important, nor even second important really. Not unless Im pushed to near crisis does that happen.

Im unimportant to everyone, and my opinions or thoughts dont matter. That has even shown with my friends. My problems are always pushed to the back, never up front. Even in crisis mode.
I feel so lonely and uncared for.

Your opinions do matter and your thoughts do matter. Be determined and i believe that communication with loved ones will help you at this time.


Return to “New Member Introductions”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 347 guests