Depression Understood Forums

Hi. While I'm new to the board, I've been coming into the chat for a while now. I couldn't even begin to say how long the days have run in together. See some familar faces on the boards. My name is hollyann in the chat too. Holly is my frist name, Ann is my middle name. Holly, Ann, hollyann, it's all the same to me.
I'm in the room daily since I found the place. I'm like the bad penny that always returns. Sometimes I have a lot to say, and well others, I just sit back and watch. Sometimes I can be long winded and at others it seems a simple hello is too much.
A little bit about me. I'm almost 26. I have a son that will be 9 this year. He's a reason to keep going on, even when I think I can't. My life. I've never been married, his father is not in the picture. There have been a couple of serious relationships where my son has called them father, but they both fell shy of lasting two years. So always been a single mom.
What brings me to this place? I have bipolar 1 rapid cycle, ptsd, panic with agoroaphobic tendicies. There have been times when its been hard to leave the house. While the anxiety and panic attacks still hang around some I'm able to leave the house and accomplish trips to the store, etc. But to just go outside, sit down, watch my son play is hard. If I'm out in the open, I pace, need to be doing something other than sitting. Walking, riding, writing, listening to music. Just something other than sitting alone, with just my thoughts in my head.
I don't have insurance. And currently not taking any meds. I'm supposed to be on a moodstabilizer, anti-depressant, anxiety meds. I go through periods where I manage. I say manage, because without meds, I'm either up or down, there's no inbetween. However the mood isn't always devastating. Both of my highs and lows can get that way. But fear of hospitalization when I have a child that relies soley on me is enough to keep me going and for me to keep the severity in.
I talk about me some. And what I'm going through in the room, but most of the time, unless I'm trying to relate to someone else, or know a person well I don't do much besides the pleasantries. And I do a lot of what I call automatic response. I'm okay, just fine, fine, the works. Sometimes I feel invisible. But I've spent a lot of my life trying to be that way... And sometimes I feel it doesn't matter anyways.
Well, I guess that's all I'm going to say. Probably more than I should have, and more than people would want to know... But thanks to those of you that took the time to read this...
hollyann

*hugs* Holly
It's good to see you in the forums too - and it's always good to see you in the chat room. I am used to seeing you there online when I come in -and as you know, I'm there every day too. Most of the times I'm somewhere hiding in a corner of the room - so any time you wanna talk or scream about anything, just come and join me in it if you want Take care and talk soon *hugs*

Hi Rika, thanks for the reply. I know we cross paths a lot. And its always nice seeing you too. Thanks for the offer to listen to me talk. I'm here if you need to talk or scream as well. ((((Rika)))) Its much appreciated.

Hi Hollyann. I don't think we've met... I'm Amy and I have frequented the chat room daily in the past, but now I mostly post on the forums.

You life sounds full, but I do want you to know that there is help out there for you. I'm guessing you live in the United States due to your lack of insurance and care, and trust me, girl... I've been there. Please do know that there are either free clinics or clinic's that charge on a sliding scale fee based on your salary. I know that in New Jersey parents can sign up for insurance for themselves and their child(ren). Have you looked into anything like that? There is no need for you to suffer like this, Hollyann. Please do look into mental health clinics in your area, and see what types of plans they offer.

You must be a strong girl to be raising a child on your own, a child that you seem to love very much. I can't imagine how difficult it must be with your mental health issues, but please be proud of yourself that you are doing it.

I urge you to look into clinics, Hollyann. Mental health assistance in the USA is lacking, but there are things out there for people who need them. If I can be of any help to you, please let me know. What state are you in?

Hi Amy. Nice to meet you. Thank you for your reply to my post. I'm in the state of Louisiana.
I've used free clinics and stuff when I've lived in other states. And finally felt "well" enough that I actually called to look into it here. I qualify to be treated there.
However first available appointment isn't until March 5. And here it is Feb 14th. I know its less than a month away. But to be honest when in the throws of the depression that can seem to be a huge time frame. At least for me.
By the time I actually make the move to get help it's been really bad for a while and I'm at my wits end. So sometimes it seems like even a day longer is too long.
I know I'll be okay. Its just hard sometimes. Playing the waiting game. Especially when I'm in a state I want to do something about it. Because when the appointment is that long away, I don't know how bad it will get in the mean time.
The decision and knowing I'm trying to get help sent me into manic for a while and for the first time in a long time felt human. But since then I've been bouncing like a yoyo. Sometimes high, sometimes low. But kinda crashing now.
Anyways, thanks again for your reply, and your help. Its really appreciated.

Hey again Hollyann! So glad you've decided to get the help you need!!! I understand how bad the waiting game can be, hun. I remember when I first went into the depression years ago, even though I had insurance, my doctor's appointment was 2 weeks away - it was hell! BUT - I made it through and so will you. Please do write on the forums and visit the chat when you're feeling like you can't take it anymore. Talk it through, Hollyann. And stay strong, girl. All will be fine!