i feel as tho im dying.this prolonged depression is different

[subee]

than any other depression ive ever experienced & ive spent my life depressed.or manic.or as a horriible dispicable human being that destroys everything in her path.for the first time in my 57 years i do not see any light at the end of the tunnel.ive tried everything there is to try.ive recently come from a hospital stay where my artificially induced manic state had everyone nodding their heads saying "shes fine" then when the crash came i was accused of just not trying.ive run away. ive chased rainbows ive come back run away again & come back again.i sleep on a couch.i have a quarter of a coat closet space for all my things.ive spent all my money lost all my possesions in my last move & everyone who says "its just stuff get over it" still has all their stuff.my brain is a psychiatrists petri dish. for the past year i lived in isolation with only my brother & my mother to free me from the apartment that was my self induced prison(i had moved from a big city to a place where you had to have a car & to my humiliation im too frightened to drive)my mother & brother do not believe in mental illness.you can imagine how that went.i developed fear.of everything.i have moved back to live (on the couch.in plain sight of everyone)with my estranged husband & my children whose lives i am destroying..my mental illness has been unleashed(like james mc avoys "beast" in the movie "split")...................i am diagnosed bipolar borderline(to my horror)& PTSD(which others find to be a big fat joke bc i have no scars)i have no hope & i cant help pushing everyone far far away

[RussianCaliGirl]

HOW THE f*** DO YOUMAKE A f****** PIST ON HERE!!!!?? WHY THE f*** IS ITTHAT I CAN REPLY BUTUNCANNOT POST???! WHY THE f*** IS ITTHATEVERYONE CAN GET THEIR VOICEHEARDBUT ME??! bleep ASS WEBSITE!!!

[subee]

what an encouraging response to my post..oh i feel so much better now.so glad i came

[Lwoodall]

I am very sorry! Are you meeting with a counselor? It's no easy to struggle with depression. A counselor who is understanding and caring can help a lot. I know also that taking walks outside helps a lot too. Don't give up! It gets better if we do things to help ourselves. I am very sorry about the despair and how bad things are! I hope with all my heart that you feel better and that the whole situation improves. Don't give up! You are not alone!

[laurenipsum]

Hey, I'm really sorry that you're experiencing this, and I am sorry you got a weird response as the first response. It is messed up when you get up the courage to pour your heart on a message board and then you get a weird response or zero responses! We're already fragile and it's not easy to not take it personally.

I cannot offer much advice, but would you like to talk more on this board? It may help. One thing I will say is that I doubt you are ruining peoples' lives the way you think. Depressives are often prone to feeling guilty way beyond what is appropriate.

[bluerose391]

I understand. I am with you in this. You are not alone.

[Sadinatura]

I wish I can help you. Im here for you ok? Thank you for sharing your story.