Hello Everbody ! I,m New To this site x

[JoJo]

Hello my name is JoJo and i have suffered badly with depression for a few years (about 3 or 4). Previous to that suffered but not so badly. I,m hoping to make some friends here that can understand what a depressed person goes through each day to function. As in my experience people who do not suffer have absolutely no idea at all !! I am currently trying very hard to live a "normal" life living with my depression not trying to banish it. I tried very hard to take my life two years ago and would very much like to talk to other survivors of a suicide attempt about experiences of life since.
Lots of Love to anybody and everybody reading this and thanks for taking the time to x

[aim]

hi Jojo - welcome to the DU forums! Lots of wonderful and understanding people around here - you will get lots of support.

How is your quest for a "normal," life going?

[JoJo]

Hi Amy Thanks for the reply ! My quest for a normal life ? don't know if i will ever achieve it. But hey the quest goes on. I tried to explain to my lovely patient long suffering husband today what depression was like. I said it,s like a snarling vicious dog hiding just behind a wall. Sometimes i can ignore that dog quite well but sometimes he is always in the corner of my eye, hanging around waiting to jump out! one time he jumped right on me and i could not shake him off thats when i tried to take my life. i am trying my very best to keep away from him now i know i can never let that happen again. Too many people would be devastated. But it is hard to live with what i did and to live with the depression and also to live with the predjudice from people that simply don't understand what we go through.
I hope to get to know you better and i hope you are feeling good today.
x

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Welcome (((((((((((((( JoJo )))))))))))))))))

Glad you found the forum. Just wanted to let you know there is a depression chat room connected with this forum. Lots of wonderful chatters there, that have gone through so much themselves. They receive and give support. Talk of their daily lives, meds, and just general chit chat.

Hope to see you there.

Warmie

[aim]

hey again Jojo! Trying to explain depression/anxiety to people can be exhausting but good work with the dog! And KUDOS to you for not allowing that dog to get you and for recognizing how many lives would be affected if it did... one life touches many, as the great film, "It's A Wonderful Life," states, huh?

Would love to get to know you better! My real name is Amy, I'm 32, no children, legally single but in love with a wonderful man. The high point in my life! I live in New Jersey, I work for Children's Services as an adoption specialist, and live with my hyperactive but incredibly sweet dog, Dakota. What about you? I know you're married... but what else?

[JoJo]

Hey Amy it's great you replied to me, my real name is jojo and im 42 i have 2 fantastic daughters aged 22 and 19 they have been so understanding and careing throughout my illness. But i have to live with the guilt of what i almost did to them. I have a full time (and some)job as a retail manager in the west midlands GB a job which despite everything i have managed to continue to do with difficulty throughout. My husband is a wonderfull man who feels powerless and frustrated that he can't reach me when im poorly. My life is by no means all doom and gloom i have a laugh and a good snse of humour. it's just sometimes it all feels fake and the real me is crying inside i have always felt as though i was very lonely in a huge group of people i am on my own.
i too have a mad dog called Hector a 17 years old jack russell who acts like a 2 year old .
i am also a avid scrapbooker something i have been doing since my depression i find it helps me immensly,
Hope to keep in touch with you,
jojo

[aim]

Hi Jojo! Seems that you have a very full life! That's great. As for your daughters, please do forgive yourself of anything you think you might have done. I'm sure your daughters do, so there is no reason you should not as well. Once you forgive yourself, a giant weight will be lifted off of you, and you can start to heal.

You're so fortunate to have a husband that is kind and tries to understand. I'm sure the frustration comes out of him not being able to help you. Just please explain to him that your depression has nothing to do with him, but it is a personal path that you must climb out of yourself with support from him. Maybe give him some literature on depression from the internet? That might make him understand things a little better...

[Monty]

I haven't been to this site for a while and in reading your introduction I was glad that I had, just to give you some reassurance.

I think that mom's as a whole, worry about whether they have done "a good enough job" in being a mom to their kids. Those of us with challenges I think can sometimes feel it more.

I have two children,27&24. I had my first encounter with the mental health system when my daughter (youngest) was 4. Since my diagnosis so many years ago, I have always worried that I just wasn't "good enough,I could have done better". I spent much time agonizing over it, even though neither child showed me anything but love.

My daughter had to have jaw surgery this year.The only good thing about that experience was when I went to see her that she had to write down everything she wanted to say to me on paper. I can keep her writings.

At that time I told her that I felt so bad about,what I perceived as, my lack of mothering skills.I told her of one incident in particular. Her immediate response was.
"It's ok, I forgive you.I think that I turned out ok, and that's because of you."

It took off a very heavy load, that I had been carrying for too many years

Our kids know when we push ourselve to the absolute limit to do our best. Do I need to say more?

[aim]

Monty... well said! Your children sound WONDRFUL, Monty - and that is because of you! Obviously, your daughter has forgiven anything that you think you might have done wrongly in the past... I hope you are on your way to forgiving yourself as well.

Children are strong. Children are resilient. Children know who loves them... it's obvious, from the memories you hold, to the notes you have kept from your grown daughter how much you do love them. They know it, Monty. Be proud of the children YOU raised...

Good thoughts your way, Monty.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Children have the ability to see within your heart.

Jeanie

[aim]

Well said, Jeanie. Can't think of a truer statement about children... they are wonderful.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Yes they really are!

[aim]

I'd like to share that working with children pulled me out of a very bad place years ago. Working with them gave me the strength to leave the house again to find my place in the world... turned out it was destined for me to have a career working with kids.

I had a nervous breakdown, anxiety, depression and agoraphobia. Working day-to-day with kids pulled me out of it. Children will always hold a special place in my heart.

[JoJo]

Hello to everybody thank you all so very much for your replies. Hello Monty thank you for everything you have said. I think since the suicide attempt i have really realised just how much my girls love me and that in a way has not make it easier because i know they would have never got over it had i have been succesful someone up there gave me a second chance and my youngest daughter is having a little baby of her own in April. I know she will need me so much to help her and i don't think the guilt will ever go away it eats away at me every day. How could i have been so utterly selfish. The nurses in the hospital on the ward where i was eventually taken were so horrible they would not speak to me because of what i had done i suppose it was because they deal everyday with people who are not dying out of choice. When your at such a low point you do not think about these things it seems like a very easy way out but really it gave me a whole new set of problems to deal with. All we do now my girls and me is try to think about the future and not mention what happened. I am so greatful they are able to forgive me and i know i am truly blessed with two angels.
xxxx

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((((((( JoJo )))))))))))))))))))))

What a blessing you have with your daughters. Just wanted to tell you that. No long speech or words of wisdom, just what I see.

Warmie