Depression Understood Forums

Let's see... I am 38, stay-at-home mom/student (medical billing/coding), I have 4 children, age range 16,12, and 4 yr old twins. I am married, and live with my IL's (joy!).

I was diagnosed with Major Depression / Anxiety Disorder about a year ago, via a Clinical Trial. After the trial, I was put on Prozac, after a few months, it made me feel so sick I thought I was going bonkers. Changed to Citalopram, and other than thinking I may need a higher dosage, I have no major complaints.

I have been dealing with depression for over 12 years now. Not exactly sure when I started noticing something was off. My first recollection of a bout, when I was pregnant with my now 12 yo, and my ex was participating in extramarital affairs. I remember curling up in a corner on my birthday, in the middle of the night, and sobbing.

My behavior is the biggest indicator for me. It was about that same time I started becoming very short tempered, only towards my ex, and oldest son. Most of my mood swings are taken out on my kids, and I feel absolutely rotten that they have to put up with me.

I have since remarried, and love my husband, and our twins dearly. I have noticed though, since we moved to California from Wisconsin, a little over two years ago, and have been living with his parents, that he is not tolerant of my behavior any more. I am not doing anything differently, in my eyes, but he is working 3rd shift, and I see him more during the day, and he is no longer happy with my inability to run the house the way it should be run, or, at least the way his mother wants it run. Which, is my responsibility, because I am "home all day".

His frustration too, in the way I care for the boys, they are 4, resistant to potty training (frustrating for me, very, very frustrating). I don't give them baths as often as I should, (they like grandma's baths better, anyways) and I don't have the fight in me. I don't have them on a "schedule", never been a "schedule" person. They want to go to bed with their big sister, not mommy, so I let them, my husband see's fault in this.

My biggest frustration with him, he does not show any interest in learning about depression, he thinks I am being lazy. I wish I had the energy, the drive, the ambition, to get things done, I just get overwhelmed and shut down instead.

I have been looking for work, he is frustrated with that too, been 5+ months now (he took 3+ to find work when we moved here, better economy), and I bailed on Court Reporting School last spring, because I was going through the whole Prozac deal and a really bad bout of Depression, and could not handle the demands.

I have had a lot of anxiety over the job search, which is odd for me, I have never had a problem finding or landing a job, so why the inability to jump into finding a new job.

My MIL thinks I should "get over it", she says if she can deal with all the abuse (sexual/emotional/physical) in her life, I should be able to deal with my life. Even my own mother says I should be able to make myself happy. My sister understands, her BIL suffered Depression, and took his life. I do not feel like I have anyone I can vent to. So, guess I will be here venting.

No one seems to understand my inability to do normal things, I want to sleep a minimum 10 hours a night, and still sleep during the day, and even then, I do not sleep well at night. Sometimes it takes me hours to fall asleep.

On the lines of the MIL, last June, I got balled out for hours, because my oldest son made a comment about my infant niece being a "handfull" (aren't all infants a handfull?), I was babysitting, he was visiting from out of state, and my BIL took it wrong (my son has Asperger's, and does not say or do the right thing), and MIL got a call from SIL. Well, FIL was scheduled for a minor heart procedure that week, she was all stressed out, and took it out on me and my children. And as if I didn't feel shitty enough, my hubby, who woke up to all this, didn't know the whole story, took his mom's side and was mad at me for days. This still brings tears to my eyes, and no one has apologized.

I am glad I found this site, I can vent and read others stories, and know there are folks who understand. Guess I will be back later with more...

Kimber

Hi ((((((((((( Kimber ))))))))))))))

Oh dear, you do have a plateful of worries. I am sorry.

I don't have answers, but I have realized that people that do not have to deal with depression, just doesn't always understand.

This forum is a great place to vent and get those things that go around and around in the mind, out and it does bring some relief.

Connected with this forum is a depression/anxiety chat room with wonderful and caring people. A safe place to visit and talk with others that DO understand your feelings. It is good to be able to talk with others that are dealing with depression and all it brings into your/their lives.

I do hope you come in, chat with everyone. And please continue posting here.

Warmie/Jeanie

Hi Kimber, and welcome to the forums. Wow... you really are dealing with a lot. It's amazing that you've been able to deal with it this long. I can't imagine how diffiucult it must be living with your in-laws, especially if you deal with depression at the same time.

As Jeanie said, there is no way that someone who has not been through depression could possibly begin to understand it. Is there a way you could print out some literature and try showing it to your husband? Maybe if you go through the research and simply hand it to him, he might look at it... worth a try, maybe. Good luck and I truly hope to hear from you again soon.

You have a lot on your plate. I know that when I have been going through my most difficult times, and I have been in the "system" since 1988, I always find myself reaching for support groups. That seems to be the best route for me to go.

I think that I react that way because that is how I get the best help, from people who, get it. You can spend a lot of time talking to others that don't have depression, trying to explain some of your thought processes. If you are communicating with people that are in the same boat, you don't have to waste time. People with depression usually are my best resource. They sometimes help me cope with things in my life that I though were usalvagable. Sometimes we just need that we aren't alone. I know that in my life people that really love me, get frustrated with having to cope with my depression. It has been said to me "your therapist can't be your friend, and your friends can't be your therapists". Sometimes they are just too close to the situation and can feel badly because they can't fix you. Leaning on people who are a little more removed from the situation has often really been able to give me what I need.

I am going through a rough patch myself now. For me sometimes just seeing people reaching out the those in trouble, even if not directly aimed at me gives me what we all need "hope"

Hey Monty - I hope you feel comfortable posting what's going on with you... give everyone here a chance to offer you the same support you just offered to someone else.

I also agree that support groups are the only way to go. There is power in numbers, and strength in knowing that there are many many other people out there dealing with the exact same issue as you.

Take care, Monty - and all!

(((((((((((((((((((( Monty ))))))))))))))))

Just another hug for you and another thank you.

Jeanie