Where do I start...

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Joined: Mon Jul 16, 2018 2:03 pm

Where do I start...

Postby Sleepy-SAHD » Mon Jul 16, 2018 2:29 pm

Or when did it start; that's the real question I find myself obsessing over. The other question I find myself repeating is, "will this ever end?" I'm a 30 year old stay at home parent living in the Midwest. Married, one child, one income, but overall as I type this, it doesn't look so bad on paper.... right? Roof over my head, healthy son and a beautiful wife...why do I feel this way?

I feel empty, alone and beneath everyone. My anxiety has taken me to a point where being in public is almost intolerable. I beat myself up because I always wanted to be the fun parent, the supportive parent, the one you could always turn to but, here I am, a mirror image of my own unstable mother (RIP), who was afraid to do anything...I take my son to whatever events I can. I smile, I laugh, and I do have fun (I'm still human-esque); but inside I'm falling apart, and it's only a matter of time before I become overwhelmed and need to make a break for the exits with the munchkin.

I have used art as a coping mechanism for as long as I can remember and I have recently been offered a chance to use my art to make some extra money. Problem is, when I'm around fellow artists, I get engulfed by my anxiety and begin to sink further into my head. What was once constructive critisim now feels like an attack on my existence...it's overwhelming....I used to be an easy-going and understanding person, and now I feel like a hollow shell coasting along on autopilot making everyone and everything around me miserable....the only upside to this has been the weight loss...(silver lining?)

Thanks for looking, hope you're all staying afloat...

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Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2018 1:43 pm

Re: Where do I start...

Postby MiddleChild » Tue Jul 17, 2018 5:56 pm

Hi Sleepy-SAHD,
I don’t know what your state of beliefs is but I have a strong faith before problems started to pour on my family. Just like most people I used to think that this God of the Bible was a figment of someone’s imagination. But there are many apologetic groups that explain how reasonable the things written in the Bible are. And I found out just in time. I was prepared for a series of events that would rock anyone’s world.

I had an accident and my left leg was on a cast. I was an IT contractor. The firm kept me. I was assigned in a Fortune 500 company and they expressed a desire to hire me. Then 911 came, I lost my assignment, I lost my job and couldn’t get any. My second son was born and I became a SAHD. He had an allergic reaction and I tried to rush him to a clinic and we had an accident and the car was totaled, taken by chopper to two different hospitals, my wife was looking for us while my older son needed to be picked up from school. I had surgery on my other leg while my 8-month old had a head trauma. My in-laws flew over, I got out of the hospital, then my FIL got sick and was in another hospital. Then my older son got sick and went to another hospital. All throughout this I never had anxiety or got depressed. It was faith that got me through and my Bible study mates and church people helped us all the way.

That feeling of emptiness, being alone and beneath everyone that you described has an answer. Some would mock it but others I know have tried it has found that peace that is real and reasonable.

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Joined: Thu Jun 01, 2017 8:37 am

Re: Where do I start...

Postby j2415 » Wed Jul 18, 2018 10:37 am

Hi- Welcome to the group!
I’m sorry you are going through this feeling of emptiness. Have you tried to join support group? it will help you not to feel alone, less lonely and good for your health.
I pray that you will have peace as you go through this journey. Please update us. Take care. You are in my prayers.

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Beth F
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Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2018 4:29 pm

Re: Where do I start...

Postby Beth F » Wed Jul 18, 2018 2:48 pm

I too am very sorry you're going through this. What you're describing sounds so similar to what I'm experiencing. The impression that everything's fine on the outside, while inside you're falling apart. I too have extreme anxiety, it's gotten to where it's nearly impossible for me to go out unless I'm with someone I know. Also, as an artist myself I can also understand how the feelings of inadequacy creep into your creativity.

I wish I could offer something helpful, but all I can offer is understanding. Have you ever tried meditation? I've found it kind of helpful if I practice on a regular basis. I too fall into that trap of beating myself up for not being "enough", so to speak. I guess the trick is learning to not believe that. Congrats on the art offer and I hope you're able to continue with it, if that's what you want.

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