Where do I begin?

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Joined: Wed May 09, 2018 5:59 pm

Where do I begin?

Postby Eurydice » Wed May 09, 2018 6:11 pm

I lost my mom 6 months ago.
I lost my 3 year old daughter in April.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to crawl into a pit and be forgotten by a god I truly don’t believe in. People keep telling me that I will be okay. But, on the inside I just want to stop. I m a coward so I don’t end it already. But I see no purpose in life. Getting a divorce from her dad soon too. I loved him for so long. Everything falls apart. I feel weak. And something in me is aching so very deeply. Down deep in my very core... I am broken. I just want someone to understand my pain and not tell me it will be ok. Not to tell me to go get professional help.

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Joined: Mon May 07, 2018 3:31 pm

Re: Where do I begin?

Postby Eske » Wed May 09, 2018 9:10 pm

*big hug*

I perceive some sense of guilt you feel after the death of your loved ones. But it's not your fault. And you couldn't change what had to happen. I guess you - and the doctors - did all that was possible.
Now they have left you in the world of those who live. All you can do for them now is live, is honouring the gift of life you still have, because your unhappiness is the last thing that your mother and child would have wanted. But there'll be time to think about this, now feel free to mourn, don't be ashamed of crying.

I understand that, while you're suffering, hearing "it will get better" makes it actually worse; it's frustrating, it makes you think you're not listeneted, that your pain is not understood. But I know that's a sign that the people who say so want to help you with all their strength, even if they're not experts or don't have much gift of empathy or didn't have the same experience. They think listening is not enough, they would like to have the power to change things from black to white, and feel helpless if they can't, therefore make even more efforts in giving you advice, and telling consoling things. Just... tell them what you need. Ex "I need you to listen without giving advice, because advice would hurt even more; I don't want suggestions in order to get back to my usual life as soon as possible, I need to wait and meditate on things, and I'd be glad if you were with me in this."

We often feel pressured to get back to the (apparently?) happy, regular state of mind every time it's disturbed, no matter if it's only melancholy during a solitary evening, a career defeat, or a mourning. Don't listen to those pressures, because going trough the bitter and dark phases of events is the only healthy way of travelling. Scream, cry, write letters, lean on a friend's shoulder; don't repress, don't feel guilty.

And about love. Love is a phoenix, it gets reborn from the ashes. It's like grass that grows between tiles or at the corner of the sidewalk. No life is such miserable to prevent the ability of love from growing again, not even the most traumatized life. Even if one love dies, it's a phoenix. Love is stronger than the person who loved, stronger than the person who was loved, like a force that existed before them and will exist after them. As long as you live, the ashes in your hand will have the power to become a phoenix again, even against your will.

Posts: 1
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 11:26 pm

Re: Where do I begin?

Postby Bebe11 » Sat May 12, 2018 12:24 am

My heart aches for you. My daughter passed away when she was 5 1/2 years old (back in 1993). My husband and I handled her death in very different ways. I turned to God and found peace in knowing I will see her again one day in heaven, but my husband was very angry and blamed God for taking our daughter away. He started drifting away. A very high percentage of marriages end in divorce after the death of a child. I didn't want that to happen to our marriage. I am still married (37 years) to my husband, but it was a VERY long road. It wasn't until we attended an intensive marriage retreat that our marriage was healed. I am so thankful that we went.

For many years I wanted the world to stop and notice that I was hurting, but I had two other children (boys) to raise...so I knew I had to be strong for them. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my daughter. I am here to tell you that your feelings are normal. No one is ever prepared to bury their own child...and you had to bury your mother, too! I wish I could give you a hug!

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