how can anyone help?

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Joined: Mon Mar 05, 2018 4:12 pm

how can anyone help?

Postby graype » Mon Mar 05, 2018 4:52 pm

i don't know how to use this. i don't know where to start. i've dealt with depression since i was somewhere around 12 and i'm 25 now. i don't know how to put most of this to words, which is horrifying and depressing to me because one of the things i do most is write. often my brain is a fatally cognizant linear analysis floating on a sea of half-phrases riding spurts of emotion trying to hijack my linear analysis. my brain is like constant train robbery. my train of thought is surrounded by a sea of bandits with all kinds of weapons trying to jump on board. they shoot nets in to the air to slow me down and throw grease on the tracks and cut the breaks to send me flying out of control. but it all stays in my head (mostly). i don't know how to talk to people close to me. my girlfriend tries really hard but often i feel that i can't take what she says seriously. even if i know she means it. i just push away. 'i hear you', 'that's hard', those are the best things i've heard people say but i can't take it seriously. my life feels very complicated. i might be poly. i have no idea how to talk to my girlfriend whom i love tremendously about that. i try to listen to myself and not judge myself too much but i constantly battle 'poly' with 'selfish asshole'. i undertake huge projects for my work, (a documentary, compiling a book of interviews) which others become invested in and then later i feel incapable of follow-through and then i sink and slink away but i can't because this is my job and then i want to spend all of my free time sleeping. i've done similar things in the past with school and other activities. this has contributed to suicide attempts. i don't know what i'm doing here. the mental health system is bullshit. i was institutionalized last september for five days. this was good because it got me in to a safe place. it also finally got me directly connected with mental health support. i've tried several times over the past five years and i went to a therapist for a couple of years in high school, but i've had a horrible time trying to get connected with anyone since. so this was good. however i also learned this is all half-bullshit. i don't know what to do right now or why i'm writing this. i guess i just need to connect. i don't know how to deal with myself. i feel like i'm heading in a bad direction. i have a psychiatrist, i kind of have a therapist, i've skipped out on our last couple of appointments. i haven't felt good about it, i just forgot to take the time off from work. i felt terrible about it actually. i am my own worst enemy. this morning i was twenty minutes late and literally beat myself up a little about it. cried a bit. felt dumb about that. i was late because i forgot both of my phone chargers at work and my phone was dead. normally i take the bus, but i was running a little behind and thought, "i can afford to take lyft today. i don't want to rush myself. this is fine. i shouldn't rush." so, of course, when i was so late and had no way of contacting my employer or even looking up when the buses run... i'm barely holding it together at work. i went to another department to pick up a check and i didn't know where to go or who to ask so i just turned around and left and almost broke down crying. anyway. i appreciate you reading this if you did. actually, i don't even know if i actually do appreciate it. i almost feel bad that you've spent your time reading this. life is extremely complicated. being a human is extremely complicated. i want out. there's an equation for how much intelligent life there should be in the universe or figuring out the probability of that or something. it always comes out to a huge number, but there's no sign of it anywhere. there's a correlation between intelligence and MDD. ever think maybe the big hurdle intelligent life has to get through is just not offing itself? thanks for reading, i guess. when i'm honest it's hard to be sure i am grateful. i'm mostly just disappointed. in myself. not you. props for reading this i suppose. it's not short.

Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2018 1:43 pm

Re: how can anyone help?

Postby MiddleChild » Tue Mar 06, 2018 2:00 pm

Hi graype,
I signed up after reading your post because you strike me as an intelligent person who might be able to use an advice. I am sorry for what you are going through. I know people who have similar situations and some of them got better mainly by getting connected. I am only guessing, but to me you might need stimulating conversation aside from well. Have you tried checking out conferences and presentations in colleges and other types of clubs or groups that give some kind of talk in subjects you are interested in? And also, religious people get a lot of bad rap but I have seen people from neighboring churches really help people who need help. And they do it unselfishly and with a commitment to giving back to the community. Sometimes paid professionals don’t do as good a job helping others as unpaid volunteers do who sacrifice their time to love and help others. I hope you would consider checking out other means of help you might have not tried before.

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