Depression Understood Forums

Hi everyone,

I never considered life as a gift, since childhood. Diagnosed with hyperactivity and depression since I am 5. Now I am 35, feel worse and worse, despite strong remedies and various methods, several times on psychiatric hospital under constraint, numerous untold with serious life threatening attempts (self stabbing, mutilation, isolation seeking, drugs overdoses, throw myself under cars at night on dark roads, strangulation... ). I've got nothing to lose, no fears of suffering, dying. Life is a vicious circle and it's hard to really tell, because of people's misunderstanding about my own right to die with dignity. I rarely go out, never talk with people, except my Doctor, because I don't care/like it (enough is enough!). Wish If only I had a shotgun, which is illegal in my country, as a "suicidal person" I'm not allowed to hunt...
Do someone feel the same state of total despair? If yes, what's your "background" and actual state?
Thanks.

I am 43. I have always suffered with severe depression, debilitating anxiety, a desire to die, and a myriad of related mental illness diagnoses. The only hurdle is my two minor children and husband (he is a grown man though). I feel every day that I am barely hanging on.

Can anyone or anything help me? I am 43, and I was born depressed.