Depression Understood Forums

As per title. I don't find it easy to talk especially when low. We are supposed to talk, it makes feel better, lifts our mood, we feel wanted, connected and more, well i dont feel any of those things. I just don't get it. I suffered depression for most of my life. It's who i am. As i've got older i've become more and more isolated to the point where i dont see/speak to another human for weeks. I've tried stuff to try to 'fit' in but i never do which in it self triggers a depressive period. People just dont like/understand me. I seem to annoy and no matter how hard i try it keeps happening. Half of me is quite happy being alone but the other half of me feels complete isolation. I've been all sorts of differnet people chatty, happy, helpful, kindly all the things that people acceptable. I dont have friends again no one wants to spend any time with me. As for the opposite sex i've given up. I see my future alone and lonely. I sometimes think i can feel loneliness, its a physical aching. I fill my time to distract myself, sometimes it works times like now it doesn't. How do people cope with such feelings?, knowing that there is a good chance that this is as good as it gets. I have been in contact with mental health service in the past but as i dont engage (talk about stuff) they have discharged me from the service. So on my bad days i cant even ring the crisis team. I do congratulate myself on being strong enough to get through it on my own so i dont have a complete downer on myself or anything........... who needs them anyway.

It want to try this site, maybe i will be able to join in if not i will nice to read the threads.

Thanks for reading

Hi traceofperfume,
I think I found a kindred spirit Honestly sounds so much like me, I get it. I'm being forced to socialize after being a hermit for years lol but I'm just like " if you like me cool, if you don't you're probably not someone I'd want to be friends with anyway " . Also single but not stressing about it too, I doubt I'll ever find someone . Oh well, I'm here if you ever want to chat. Yeah, happy easter too .