Depression Understood Forums

Hi there
I'm new to this. I mean new to forums and talking about my problems. A long time ago I was visiting places like chatrooms but never on that subject.
I don't know where to start from, but I really neet to say it, to get it out and because my family and friends are stupid or I don't know what I am going to write here.
I am 21 years old, in a few weeks 22, but it feels much longer than a lifetime (english is my second language, so I'm not sure if I even make sense all the time). For the last hours, a day maybe a try a few things close to suicides. Nothing really that close , but I'm usually a happy person, so that is good enough to start bitching.
It all really started around 10 years ago and I'm always mood changing around different people and situation. I know it is normal but it feels like pretending all the time and even lying.
Okey, my story is a f***** up relationship with my family. Mine with them, and pretty much the hole family is baaad in comunication and so on. Problem with thrusting people, friends, boyfriends (I am a girl) and girlfriends. No thrust at all to my parents (I'll get to that). And... thats all for now... except with no thrust to myself...
In the years before high school I've made a very important friend - my best friend, who is pretty much a stranger to me now, but what can i say - life... She was in bad shape for a 11 year all girl. her parends where arguing a lot, but she never complaint and i really understood it years later, but we were together and good with each other and things were ok. There was a time I believed I was inlove with here, but kids, who knows. In high school things got worse for me. My dad decided to take the course of my life and i and up in high school i hated with people i couldn't stand for 5 years. The only good thing there was my best friend, and she was in the other class. For years I try to sabotage my edication and to do things in spite of my father, but it turns out that he really don't care that much and I'm just ruining my life. He is a selfish person who is kind enought to pay my checks, but at the same time to threatens me with some stuff like "kicking me out", but more about that in a few. In high school I didn't take drugs or drink before my last year, i don't count smoking, but i had a few sexual and love partners that screw my mind even worse. some of them were almost twice my age, and you can fegure that this is not really healthy. My mum and my dad were, still do, arguing a lot. they work together and there is no difference between work and family, and I was in the middle, becouse my sister was already in another city, living her students years and for me it was like shi was nowhere neer. In the summer i was working in my parents firm, working mostly with documents and stuff like that. I was kind of happy being neer them and helpful, but actually I didn't knew what is like to be a normal teen and nowadays i blame them a lot about that. In the year before the last i was almoust good. I had a good friends, a graet boyfriend (in another town) and a plan for my life, but than life happends and everithing sucks. NO, no dig drama like death or something, just confused teenager. my best friend was in a relationship with some clasmate and i didn't see her much, my new best friend was a 30 something old man with issues and my boyfriend was the best, no smoker, no drugs or alcohole, a 4 years older (i was around 18), but smart and a good gay, a good student with future. But my parends, who were constatly working and didn't really pay attention to me didn't like him, they never really met him by that time. and it was a crazy scandal whe i wanted to go on e trip with him. After a good aldbig schandal and a lot of crying in the and i did went, but I hated it because they hav already ruined months of preparations and plans and i felt like crap. few months later I broke things with him, trying to find someone better, someone who would be liked by my family.. I ended up dating a drugsuser and an alcoholic, and a lying some of a... and i thrusted him, a lot and i was in love in the fantasies he was selling me. i started drinking and going out a lot and it was the wors time because it was my last year in high school and I the plan was to become a student in good universite. Thing ended up good for my future, but the damage was there, and it was constant part of my life.
After high school i moved to live with my sister and her husbund and started my life as a student. No drama with my brother in low and movies stuff, only true not knowing what i am doing with my life and bad realationship with my sister (6 years older than me). For months i was having fun and every weekend traveling back home to see my boyfriend from the summer ( I was almous never single.. daddy issues...) and i never found time for studying. I failed my classes. I almout get kick out of school. And than i stopped drinking and partying that much. New target was set and new boyfriend, close to me to be my kick in the ass for sucksess.. it didn'd work. I faild bad and i was happy to live with my boyfriend practicaly, but that was all really ok with my life. So again new try to do things better, new boyfriend and ... than the things between my parents got worse than ever. Thay were like teenager, because of lovers and fights and even physical fights and and almoust a divorce... but nothing that lucky and mature. My dad is a politicion so he things he can get away with most of the things he says and do, and my mother always complains and she leaves for days but always getting back and always with new drama and it just won't stop for more tha year now. And no matter how much I say it is their life it is killing me and i cant stop thinking about it. For more "fun" in my life one day I fought with my sister taht bad that I moved out. and now I live in my fathers politicions apartment and sometimes he stays here but most of the time i live alone, and i pretty much like that, but I hate that i actually never know when my father will come and around all the fights with my mom and bad things he told my in moment of hot themper I don't thrust him at all and I am scared of him.
But now more about my education - I'm still failing my classes and i don't know how much more i can do it. I started wodking behind my parends backs so i could save some money I be more independable. I don't keep in touch with moust of my friend and I am very lonely and depress, mostly because failing at school and my parents bullshits. Sone I would have no place to live, and no one really understands how much this is f****** with my mind. My colleaguess from work are great but I just failed an ecam again and I feel like i gave up their support and thrust. they are actually the only people really helping me and making my study. My pareds just work and fight and my dad actually even laid he talked with some of my teachers for recommendations what to do. And I have a great boyfriend... who actually is so strange that he is liked by my family, but he dont really spend much tim with me, and I need him. He is the only person I talk more than "hi. im fine"and he actually preffer not to see how depressed I am and say stuff like "dont think about it, u have exams to take care of" and that is killing me, because i really need him to be more supportive and to hug me. I just need the hug ot a real person who knows me, and give a crap, and not something like to see each other once a week adn to smile and lie how everything is fine...
In the end I'm just really depressed. I feel like a big failier, I feel lonely and betrayed by my family and friends. It's like they dont understand how unusual for me is to talk crap about suicides and no future... and they all are loking only for theirselfs.
and I now I just want to die. I see no way out from my problems. I hate myself and everything around me and the only reason I am alive is because I am afraid to cut myself up, to jump or/ and I have no peels strong anaught for the job..
I just need someone to really listen and to talk to me how stupid and selfish I am, and that I need to grow up ... I just really need someone there who really cares and don't prettend..
So please help me ?

Good morning.

I am sorry to hear about the stress that is occurring in your life. Most problems, if dealt with correctly are usually temporary. Don't loose hope.
Reading through your post, I would recommend that you see a psychologist. I say this because of the self harm you mentioned. There are more than one form of self harm and its hard to determine which one you are dealing with. There is NSSS (non-suicidal self harm) such as cutting, hitting onself ect. And there is also suicide attempts, where your actual goal is to kill yourself. Both circumstances need crisis intervention from a professional, however I hope writing this post might give you some strength.
I feel that either behaviours are a way to want to "end" the pain or express the pain. NSSS is also known to be way to turn the emotional pain that is so strong into psychical pain, something you can actually see whilst feeling it in "reality", if this makes sense. I also see a pattern of dis-functional relationships that have been an emotional turmoil for you. In one comment you mentioned that you had found a boyfriend in the hope your parents would like him better. However, that boyfriend was taking drugs.
In the beginning of your post you mention you are dealing with moods that change depending on the situation, But you also mention that you feel kind of pretending. Perhaps you feel that you become an extension of who they are ( the people you associate with) and not an extension of who you are, and trying to belong. It also appears you are trying to meet your parents expectations aswell.I see parallel behaviours in what you mention. It may be that you are trying to please people and be excepted. This also applies to your current boyfriend who doesn't appear to want to hear about what you are dealing with, so again you have become an extension of this person and become submissive or perhaps passive (Just like he appears to be). Keep in mind, this can also be a sign of emotional abuse, even if he is a kind or nice guy.
I think its important to give yourself permission to explore and experiment with your identity. Your current age is considered " emerging adulthood" and this is the age where you are going to explore and experiment with your sense of self, except you have undergone some turmoil throughout your younger life with your parents and yourself. I wont go into that much detail regarding social identity, however many people operate as a collective identity where they learn, experiment, except and let go of personality traits throughout life, with developmental years- adolesces years and emerging adulthood years being crucial times. With social identity, in theory, people go in and out of social groups and norms and are prone to choose the one they are most likely to succeed in. "succeed in" could mean of few things such as: most likely to survive, accomplish, be happy, a temporary place to reach a goal (i.e. like schooling). It is normal to go in and out of these group norms and identities. However, there is still a level of normal functioning expected during these phases or niche picking times and with any underlying issues it could be more difficult and a call for a personality crisis.
I don't want to alarm you, though the moods changes you experience around other people sound more like personality trait changing. Don't be alarmed, you are aware that you do this, so you can rule out multiple personality disorder, which is now known as DID (Dissociative identity disorder). However, the emotional turmoil that you experience and the self harm and depression should be looked into by a professional. It does sound like Borderline personality disorder, and if so you are a very strong young lady to have been dealing with this on your own for so long. Borderline personality disorder can be the cause of many reasons, such as family turmoil, stress, childhood trauma, relationships trauma ect. On the other hand you could be just suffering depression. Either way, please understand this is your life, body and brain that should not be neglected...don't see yourself as "invisible", because you are not.
You are a young person who has this body that is designed to function in a healthy manner and environment, without these vital things your body and mind can go into turmoil and suffering.
On a more positive note, you are so young and don't need to have it all figured out. Trying to cultivate yourself as a person and identity takes time and trial and error. You may be interested in googling Maslow's " self-actualisation" or other humanistic theories. You may also benefit from Psychotherapy, perhaps speak to your doctor. I believe you are a strong insightful young lady who has the nobility to recognise you want to improve, understand and change things about your situation/self to live a happy life. This is a good thing. It is also a sign of claiming back your self-respect.
remember this " without fear courage could not really exist".......

Thank you!
Thank you for the fast reaction and thank you for your time! It really looks like you care about people and I think that you just may have pushed me enought to actually try to find a doctor.
I don't really know how this forum works. I have taken a vivid look throw it a few months ago when i found it but that it's. I am saying that because I don't know if there are other places to say things like what I just did, or what I am about to, but if there is please tell me.
I've read your post a few times before realizing how much you are right. I've never consider myself suicidel or self harming but you said the thing about hitting.. I am afraid from knifes and blood and I could'n really cut myself, but I wanted it so strong, and a part of me still do. I knew i am depressed but I tought that it is normal for time to time in stressful times. A few months ago i started taking meds like valerian and then some stronger stuff but still far away from things like drugs or serious meds like xanax. The problem was no one really told me if it is good or bad ideato do it. Than i took them with alcohol and nothing really happend untill that last night a felt even worse after that. So yeah, i know, bad idea and i will try to find strenght to talk to a doctor. It is kind of hard for me to actually admit to a real living person in front of me that i have a problem and not to immediately try to fix the stupid look on the other person face and say something like "i was talking for the past, now i am much better" or "im jokking" or etc.
A friend of mine actually recomened to me to see a professional after I try to run away (just a few hour out) from the place i lived with my sister and brother in law. The same day we had that crazy argue with her in a restorant with our parent and it was so awful I couldn't just stay calm. I started crying in the middle of the lunch in the restotant affersome stuff she said. Nevermind that was more than 4 months ago and I should have listened to that friend, and now I'll try to.
Around this time another friend of mine tald me that she thinks i have borderline disorder. I was stupid and never put much into it. I was like " she is mad at me for something stupid a said" and i really have said something stupid. I have had neglected her pain and tought she was just dramatizing. I guest i was wrong. She is kind of ok now, and she still fells like a friend, but I can't really forgive myself for doing it and the thruth is i didn't really realised it at the moment what have i said. It was latter that she told me.
So now I am kind of ok. Well more like normal - depressed. But I'll try to think of where to find myself some help. And people say that work helps, so I'll try to get my ass up clean the house and maybe even try to talk to some friends who called. I don't know why really i am writing this but it fells like I won't do it if a don't say to you I would. But i know is not rrally that because i allways start cleaning after a few days of really bad mood.
I actually went out a few hours ago with my boyfriend and i tried not to start lying that i was okey and crazy happy around him. Witch is kind of not try. I am happy to see him and hug him but i fell like betrayed because he don't really see how depressed i am. last night when i tried to talk to him he told me to not think about stuff that bother me and do relaxed and sleep and than study becouse i have more exams and that made me even more mad at him. Nevermind that. Today was akward. I was quiet and so was he. I am the one who talks most lf the times.. i dont know why i am saying this. Do you think a shuld try to talk to him about that? Do uou think is a good idea to try to talk to friends and family after the things i tald you about them, or is better to talk to a doctor first. someone that does't make me mad for bot seeing what Ifeel...
I don't really know what i am about to do, but you are right that i want to get better. Its just hard. Especially when i fell alone and like no one really cares about me as much I do about them. But you are right to try find myself, and i have to try.
Thanks for listening (reading)