new user; untreatable MDD, agoraphobic, GAD, panic attack therapist
Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2016 4:21 pm
llthere are too many of us. it is overwhelming to leave the house. i as so ashamed...i believe in self-determination, and am not afraid of dying. it is the guilt of ruining my parent's lives. i've been a clinical social worker for 16 years. i have tried everything except ECT. i hate myself even more in that i am attractive. at one point, to try to escape the world of consistently thinking about mental health, i submitted pictures to a modeling agency--they signed me immediately, yet I could not follow through with it. i am 36. my first depressive episode was age 7. i have seen horrible things as a clinical social worker, so i hate the idea of even expressing these thoughts as i have a roof over my head, decent credit, etc. i am rambling. i found a therapist after trying dozens of them and psychiatrists since 12. one, i had to privately pay, helped. i reached out to her and she did not call me back. i tried again, on her cell--same response. i have tried my own exposure therapy, with tiny visits to the grocery store, but it has become too much. i am not in crisis...i was a crisis counselor. i quit my job almost 3 months ago and i am forcing myself out of bed now. the desire to self-medicate is frequent. i resist. holding these feelings in, only makes it more transparent, when my mother calls, and i refuse to see them, as i do not want to show any signs of suffering, i feel more guilt, but they both have their health issues, and i don't want to panic/cry/etc. in their prescence. my hope is by reaching out, just expressing how i feel, taking it one moment at a time, may offer some reprieve in the fact that i'm at least writing again and/or doing something consistently. just getting this out is exhausting. enough for now. thanks for any feedback.