Not Feeling Great

[Insomnia4now]

I feel trapped. Everyone expects me to keep up the fake person I have created for them. I want to give everyone what they want; I want them to have the engineer. Truthfully I don't even know if I want to be an engineer. I've never experienced waking up daily and dreading going to class like I have. The only classes that I can bear to tolerate are calculus three and chemical conservation principles. There was a time where both of these classes actually brought me some joy, but now I'm so bored that I practically fall sleep every class. In my engineering design class I genuinely feel like there is a pit in my stomach every time I have to go to that class. It's where feel most like I don't belong with everyone else. I feel like I'm a failure and I'm just a fraud or something. But the real problem is that if I wasn't doing engineering, I don't do what I else I can do. Truth is, I don't have any talent to speak of. I have never really been passionate about anything I've done yet. I'm a depressed student with body image issues who uses humor to hide my feelings and snarkiness as a way to get over my own incompetencies. Im afraid to tell anyone about how I feel because I was raised believe that you were weak and somehow how worse than everyone else if you felt this way. I often feel it would be easier to be dead because at least when you are dead you don't have to deal with so many problems. Im not at risk to myself because Lord knows i am way too big of a coward to go through with something so permanent. So instead I live in this limbo of not wanting to really live the life I have and being too scared to die. My biggest fears are that I somehow end up in a mental hospital where my reputation with my family would be tarnished or that I continue living life without a passion. I'm also afraid that people will think it's just a ploy for attention. I truly view myself as a failure. I have been given one of the best upbringings imaginable and have never been denied opportunities. And yet I still feel the way I feel and I still fail on a daily basis. I feel worthless knowing that there are literally billions of people on this planet who have a worse life than me and yet I still feel the way I feel about my life. How dare I. I have no right to feel this way with all of the privileges I've been afforded. And yet I still do. And for that I am disgusted with myself. People say everyone is created equal but that is just not true. And in the grand scheme of thing I'm pretty worthless. Everyone tells me how proud they are to see me doing so well and be so happy. How could I ever tell them the truth? Because the truth is that the way they see me is so much better than how I actually am. I often feel bad that other good people die of terrible things like cancer when me being the waste of space I am gets to live a healthy and blessed life. How could I be so selfish as to feel the way i do? It's inexcusable really. I chose to join the site because I was tired of keeping how I feel to myself, but I didn't know of any person I felt comfortable with expressing how I feel.

[defeated]

Hey Insomnia4now,

I'm sorry you feel that way about yourself. You shouldn't feel that you're "fake" just because you manage to put on a happy face despite all that you feel inside. You are human and entitled to feel what you feel.

Please don't compare your situations to others, it really doesn't help in the end. Someone always has it "worse" than us but that doesn't mean that the pain we feel isn't very much real and strong. Please come to peace and accept your feelings and that its okay to feel them.

Have you considered seeking a counselor?

Please keep us updated. *hugs*