Depression Understood Forums

I am new here and I am looking for additional support with this depression/bipolar/anxiety mess I have going on.
I moved from a city I grew up in, to a country where I knew no one and did not speak the language for over a year but it was the best time of my life! because no one knew me, no one knew my history, there was no expectations, I was free to be who I wanted to be with no history. It was exhilarating and anxiety at the same time.
I came back, moved to a new city and began a relationship and school. I am afraid to go back to where I grew up and have severe anxiety whenever I am there because of the previous mistakes I have made.
However, I am suffering mental and physical ailments do to my severe anxiety and my relationship and jobs and school performance are affected.

How am I supposed to function in society as normal when I have so much turmoil and emotional anxiety and fear? I am afraid to sleep because of the dreams and the trauma that is in them. They are violent and full of physical harm to myself and just repeat trauma that I have already experienced. I guess that's ptsd but I am beyond dealing with this. I don't feel as if my meds are working and I hate putting loved ones through the agony that I am personally feeling

Ciao crocus11,

You have expressed the paradox that I think many of us our facing on these forums:

We have an idea of what we are capable of:

the best time of my life! because no one knew me, no one knew my history, there was no expectations, I was free to be who I wanted to be with no history. It was exhilarating and anxiety at the same time.

and a present that seems impossible:

However, I am suffering mental and physical ailments do to my severe anxiety and my relationship and jobs and school performance are affected.

How am I supposed to function in society as normal when I have so much turmoil and emotional anxiety and fear?

I joined these forums over a year ago. I posted a lot through last winter, and created a new environment for myself that was liberating. Then my anxiety kicked back in and I was stuck taking small steps, trying to recover. That is a pattern that I see a lot on here. This site helps us find that we REALLY are not alone, but the strength we find here is virtual, it is encouragement and support.

You have asked a great question: "How am I supposed to function in society as normal?" And the answer is within you. You have done it before. Tell us what you are trying to do, what you expect to happen, and what actually happens. What are your fears? How can you overcome them?

I wake up three or four times a night with "dreams and the trauma that is in them", but I have accepted these like co-workers, that are annoying, but necessary. I have practiced relaxation techniques, that don't make them go away, but that allow me to accept that I can deal with them. When I do that I start to have get a little better. I feel my contentment is like a fire I am building with wet wood, It is smoky, but if I care for it I know it will get hotter and stronger.

What techniques are you using to keep that fire burning?

Welcome to the forums crocus11. : )