Depression Understood Forums

Hi guys!

First of all - Happy new year! black humor I guess... but anyway, I try my best.
Enjoyed the profile question about interests awesome, that is exactly what you ask to depressed person I can write down what I was interested in like... 5 years ago? maybe 2 years ago... but not now. Not at the moment for sure.

The thing is - my life is good. If not counting that a month ago needed to let vets to put down our 9 months old puppy, because of inherited desease..

Well the thing is - mylife is good. But for some reason I feel not good. At all.
Pointless, empty, not wiling to do anything, not wiling to live.

I am pretty sure that if anyone from the people for exampleat my work or just people I meet in my everyday life would get to know that I am fighting desire to commit suicide, they would be more than surprised.
I am financially ok, I have place to live, have wonderful person to live with, good job, that I actually liked, but now I dont like anything, but I dont dare to say that about my job, because... it is still cool, but my lack of enjoyment is just general, cant blame work for that.

I try to exercise, almost every morning before work I get up earlier than it would be actually needed, I make breakfast, I exercise, make a food to take to work (avoid unhealthy and fastfood)
Ah yeah, only my health is not the best, but I can I expect good health in the mean time when I want to kill it?

I try to push myself to take long walks on free from work days, even if I terribly dont want it, if I am not very sick (i am more or less sick almost all the time, all the time freezing of lack of movements and lack of eating, sick - rinitis, caugh, some fever and shaking)

Ah yeah - eating topic. Yes, I have been not very good weight almost all my life (barely into acceptable level, but often too small weight), mostly it was more or less ok, 1..2 kilo insufficient weight, but I was still ok.

Now... it is just disaster, I dont want to eat at all. I try, my boyfriend all the time asks me about eating, I try my best to eat something, but... thanks to him I am not forgetting to eat so often, but I just dont want. I can live all the day without eating because I just dont want. But I know I should eat and I try, but recently in one week I lost approximantely 5 kilo from 60, tried to eat very well after that (gave up smoking, that helped with eating the first week) got 2 kilo back in few weeks... cant get more. I just dont want to eat,I try but it just dont go in, get in something a bit and... yeah... thats it.
Then just until next time trying to convince myself that I have to find at least something that I am able to eat, because NOTHING seems tempting or tasty...just nothing.

Basically I am able to eat fruits. The rest is almost torture.

Even though I have very nice person I live with, I cant tell him all this, he wont understand.

I dont have much friends around... basically no friends. Live in the new place some 1.5 year already and... I cant make friends anymore, I.... start talking to people but then very soon I want to just get away from them. From anyone.


I know that I should have friends to do something entertaining together but... It is hard to explain, I want to deal with that wrack that I have become, but I dont want anyone to know anything about me, I dont want to talk to them.

I am just being playful, funny and far not honest about what is going on inside of me. I have lost any ability to talk what I actually feel. And how and to whom could I admit that I am depressed and I ... am not able to deal with that myself. My bf wouldnt understand that, and probably would make it worse, because it is hard to get misunderstood after trusting someone something like this. To anyone else... parents - they are very nice, but I dont think they could help, no point to say anything to them -probably will make everything worse.

I really DONT want to hurt or damage myself - there is a reason I stopped smoking, I really wanted to stop ruining myself. Dont have to hate myself because of smoking anymore, thats good. But it didnt take away depression.
And about those suicidal thingsand thoughts... it is just feeling, just feeling that makes those thoughts appear, it is not that I would really find it good or worth doing, but it just feels like doing that... hard to explain. Sometimes I dont understand why I should live at all. But I try to think of my family and bf, that it would be just a disaster for them. would ruin a lot of lifes. so I try my best at pretending.

Thank you for reading all this, must have had a lot of patience

Sorry if there are any mistakes, not native language and I have no inspiration to reread this...

Makdalena,

Thankyou for coming to the depression forums. I am sorry about your puppy, animals are very important to those of us with depression.

Conventional wisdom for treating depression says it has two parts: the chemical part that can hopefully be treated with new drugs, and the cognitive part that can be treated with therapy. You need to go to a Dr. and tell him how you are feeling. It takes two weeks or so for the pills to provide some relief. Therapy helps you deal with the thoughts.

My worst case of depression in 30 years kicked in over the holidays. I had stopped taking my meds in the summer, and was feeling fine when it hit me over night. I have lost 6 KG over the past month. I am back on my meds and am slowly getting better. After 40 years of depression I have a belief that I will get better ... because of history. I think of myself like a perennial plant ... just lasting through the winter because I know that spring will come again. Like an older plant I will be big and strong, but I may not flower like I did when I was younger.

Please write again and let us know how you are doing.