New Member Introduction

[Jeff1959]

My name is Jeff and I have been suffering from depression for what seems most of my adult life. I started out as Lutheran school teacher, then became a Lutheran pastor, and now, find myself working for a mega retail corporation in customer service.

My wife of 34 years suffers from SEVERE mental health issues including depression, anxiety attacks and dissociative identity disorder (aka Multiple Personality Disorder).

I grew up in an emotionally abusive home and suffered physical abuse and one incident of sexual abuse from a school teacher growing up. I've been dealing with the damage done for the last 25+ years.

After 12 years as a pastor, I ended up losing my position when the congregation could no longer afford a full time pastor. (they weren't growing) My denomination often treats pastors who lose they positions like they are cancers. I never got the opportunity to continue to serve. I ended up working as a cashier in retail.

We lost our house, went through bankruptcy, and I struggled with the loss of career and everything else, including what felt like my identity.

We moved out of the small town we were living in and moved closer to our youngest daughter and granddaughter. While this move was planned and got us out of a town that was full of bad memories, it was still stressful.

My real problem right now is that I have basically shut down all emotions. I feel very little except sadness. I want to turn things back on but cannot figure out how to do so. It's as if there's a start-up sequence that needs to be performed but I don't have a clue what it is.

My new doctor has upped my depression meds a little. I meet with a new counselor next week. Maybe things will improve. I certainly hope so. I am tired all the time, I feel little, I ache all over and could easily spend all my time in bed.

While I am not suicidal, the idea of running away has crossed my mind. Not sure where I'd go, but I wish I could escape from the hole I feel like I am slipping into.

Jeff

[Gingerbreadman]

Welcome\jeff thanks for sharing your story. Having dealth with depression personally for 20 years I felt for you 1/2 way through your story. Truth - I wouldn't have made it as far as you did before Igot to the hopeless point. Every human's perception and reaction to life's events is different.

I want to turn things back on but cannot figure out how to do so.

Yes I understand - been there alot. So frustrating and scary.

I wish you all the best. Honestly in my opinion your are much more resilient that I would have been.

Since you want to run away that makes me think you are dealing witn the classic symptom of "feeling out of control" - A necessary primal instinct that if percieved as lost, can really bring you to the sewer of the dumps.

You have somework to do but based on how well and reslient you've been so far I personally think you have a great chance of bringing yourself up from this. reach out and use whatever services are available that you feel comfortable with. Speak kindly to yourself (I'm terrible at it) and take it a day at a time. God bless you. May Jesus Christ be watching over you as you navigate through this darktime

[Jeff1959]

Thanks for responding to the post.

Right now, my major frustration is that I can't see the therapist as soon as I would like. We met for the first time before Christmas, but I can't see her again until the end of January. After that, I have appointments set up weekly, but for now, it's been flying alone. And that's not working really well.

Jeff