Depression Understood Forums

Hi,

I guess I'll start by saying I've been depressed ever since I was 11yr old. Mentally ill parents and me been the oldest sibling means I have to be strong for my family, meaning I've never told anyone I'm depressed; I've got pretty good at hiding it. I was also religiously bullied at school from class mates and teachers. In order to have friends I put up a mental wall behind the depression so I could have 4 friends, 3 of which were amoung the people that bullied me. The wall nearly destroyed my identity. Drifted me so far away that even the new that I tried to create, depressed me more.



I have wanted to kill myself for a long time; I think about it regularly. On several occasions I've taken kitchen knives to a place where there's no people or cameras so that I could end it all there and no one would find me for a long while. I have dreams of been killed or me doing something bold or sometimes courageous that inevitably would get me killed. Insomnia follows. But if you saw me day to day, you'd see a completely different person. Someone who laughs and jokes and seems like he's doing fine.

I stand up for my siblings, try to help where I can, never too far away. However, I get the upset and everything thrown to me with my whole family adding to the depression. My dog. I wouldn't be here now if I didn't have my dog.


Tried relationships. First 2 barely got going. Last one I first started to get out of the mindset I am in and into a more positive one. It briefly worked. Got a long distance relationship and for the first time in my life I was genuinely happy. This person seemed to genuinely care about me, want to know things no one else wanted to know. She wanted to know about school and how I was bullied. She became the most trusting person I knew. After a few months she cheated on me, then blamed it on me, found someone else but then came back to me then later on found someone else again and didn't tell me anything was wrong. Then broke up with me again and didn't want me to care about her or trust her or anything and she didn't care in the slightest about me anymore. I spent all this time wanting to see her (we hadn't met yet). Then the fact that we didn't, plus all the hurtful things she said to me, made me feel physically, sexually and mentally unattractive, used, betrayed and incredibly upset that I couldn't meet the person that meant so much to me. She was just happy to be finally rid of me and didn't care at all.

The only good thing I had was then gone and the feelings of been happy because I can trust someone and share feelings of caring for one another were all wrong, or should I say, one sided. I was lied to and then had lots of hurtful and abusive things chucked back in my face. She lied to me for over 8 months.


Not only am I even more depressed, I allowed myself to trust someone, I allowed myself to think that someone cared, that someone other than me could understand. But most of all, I allowed myself to be happy when I knew that happiness wouldn't last and people would avoid me like the plague.




So there's my story. The story of a person who's nobody with dark days ahead.

Hi djUK - thank you for sharing your story. My heart ached when I read about the betrayal that you endured. I'm so sorry - no one should go through anything like that. I hope that you will allow yourself another chance at a go at relationships with others, I truly believe that there are people out there that will care about you and your story - I myself can put a mental wall of nonchalance at times when I meet people because of a fear of getting hurt - I can be quite socially awkward and it's hard to connect with people. However, I have found that my church is a place where people genuinely care and draw me out. I have found that even though the risk of pain comes with every relationship where I show my true self, there has been pain but there has been rewards of a deep relationship with others that alleviates the painful ache of loneliness; having faith in a God who is there no matter what also gives me joy even when circumstances seem bleak. I hope that may be you will also be able to find a community like that, and I would suggest finding a church because I have found people there to be genuine and safe. I will be praying for you.