Depression Understood Forums

Hi, I'm new to online forums like these...I've felt pretty depressed for a while, though sometimes I can sort of suppress it for large bits of time through distractions. But it always comes back, and it gets worse each time.

Long story short, I feel like something is wrong with me... For example, as I get older, I feel more and more estranged from my family. What's worse is that I feel no desire whatsoever to even try to connect with them, I feel like it's pointless.

I get that one can't choose one's family. But I can't even hold onto friends. Some of my old friends and I have grown apart, which I can comprehend. But some friends I've made in the last few years--I can tell some of them, once they really get to know me, do not want to remain friends with me. A couple have even just stopped communicating with me, even over text. (Needless to say my romantic life is nonexistent and always has been...)

I feel like I have no talent or purpose. I feel no motivation to even try to have ambition. I don't even know if I understand what actual joy feels like; I feel like I've only had small bursts of numbing distractions. I came very close to committing suicide once but "chickened out"; I'm ashamed to say I'm very apprehensive of any pain. But still, I'm worried that one day I might do it, especially since I already know how I would if I did.

Thanks for reading this, and please let me know if you have any advice or anything.

Hello, I'm new to these forums too and I was just kind of browsing and saw your post. I wanted you to know that I know exactly how you feel and it's ok. I have felt the zero motivation and I know it's hard, I know I'm sure a lot of people try to tell you that it will be ok and get better. Sometimes though what you really need is someone to actually talk to you about it, I have struggled most of my life with depression sometimes it feels so hard to even get out of bed in the morning or fall asleep at night. I have had people tell me to just suck it up or get over it and that's probably the worst thing to say when your going through what your going through. I also understand your distractions, I also do the same things, I tried to clean or cook to keep my thoughts at bay. You know though there are a few things that have helped me and I thought maybe I could share them with you. I know everyone's different and you may have tried this already but reading helps me a lot. Even if it's hard for me to get motivated to even do it, I eventually dive into the book and I forget for a while. Reading someone else's story, life, and words. I also was told to write in journals I probably have twenty of them now at first I didn't know what to write and it felt kind of embarrassing but I'm glad I do it. Some Days when I'm to angry or depressed to even function I will write every little thing that I'm feeling. Even if when I write, it can be the most awful things but it feels great to get it out of my head even if it's only going to paper. I use to burn some of my journal entries. I feel relieved getting it out of my head and then just burning those thoughts. I also will get into tv shows or movies, but my trick is to always wear headphones, I helps me drown out everything else that is going on around me. I also understand I really have no friends either, but you know what it's ok. I've drifted apart from a lot of people, I just had to try to teach myself to feel happy alone. I wanted you to know that even if I may not know you personally I can still be someone to talk to. You are worth every day, every thought, every breath and no matter how alone you feel there are people that love you and care about you. Your special because you know how to feel and I'm married and I still know how you feel. I still feel alone because there are some people who just don't understand what it feels like to be depressed. They may have felt sad but depression is something different. It's hard to connect with people that don't understand how your feeling. I know I probably blabbed on but I just wanted to try to help. We may not know each other but you can always talk to me. It's important for people to stick together and pull each other from out of the darkness.

Thanks... that actually did make me feel better. Some days are just worse than others I guess, and yesterday was one of the bad ones.