Depression Understood Forums

Haven't done this before, but am willing to try anything at this point.
Hello, my name is Lexi (Titan99). I'm a childless, married, 44 yo woman who battles depression daily. I'm hoping to connect with others, receive feedback, help other members, etc. I've battled an eating disorder for 20 years. I'm also becoming quite dependent on the sleeping pill, Ambien.

From the outside looking in, I have a nice home and secure career. However, my heart aches for something genuine, purposeful and meaningful in my life.

I wake up every morning wondering, "why am I here"? "There has to be more to life than this?" Two years ago, my Father, developed a disease that i wouldn't wish anyone to experience in their life, Glioblastoma Multiforma (brain cancer). I can't seem to get over the unfair death of my Father, and still think about him daily.

Even though I'm married, I feel more alone that ever before. My Husband is a nice man who is unable to connect on any emotional level. I don't blame him, I guess it's more envy......he doesn't battle depression!

I could go on, but I think I'll wrap this up for an introduction. I would love to connect with others who are going through the same situation. I would love to hear feedback, thoughts or questions. Thank you for reading and never lose hope........

Lexi

Hello Lexi my name is Jessica and I know exactly how you feel. I am also married and our relationships sound alike. My husband also doesn't seem to understand my depression I don't blame him either it just seems that over the last couple years he has tired from my moods which is understandable. My heart aches as well to find something that makes my life feel full and meaningful. I'm very sorry to hear about your father that's tragic and terrible, I know it has probably been really hard and made the struggle worse. I want you to know that you aren't alone, I also struggled with an addiction to sleeping medication. I was in the military and I got to a point where I was taking sleeping medication even when I first woke up in the morning. I would take at least 10 pills a day, just slowing waiting to take enough to take me on my sleep. I knew that I had a serious problem, somedays when I had over done it and taken too many I would dose off and I would stop breathing for a few seconds. It would rip me out of my sleep, and it scared me even though I was struggling so bad. I was eventually placed in rehab by the military for a month, which did help but made me so angry that I couldn't medicate myself to feel stable. I couldn't sleep and it took me a long time to be able to fall asleep naturally. They tried to help me as much as they could there, but it was hard to remove over twenty of depression and self hate. One thing that did help is the advice to start writing journals and I still write them everyday 6 years later. Surprisingly they help me manage my emotions, writing down all of the things that cloud my head makes me feel relief. I also really have no one to talk to about these feelings, so this is my best solution. I can say exactly how I feel and there isn't anyone to judge me. I also don't have any children I am 26 and have had two miscarriages. My body just can't seem to handle pregnancy and I haven't been able to get pregnant since. But you know somedays I think there are things that I can do that I wouldn't be able to if I had a child. This may sound funny but I also have another technique at night when the house is completely silent I will stay up a little later than everyone else and watch a movie or tv show but my trick is headphones it helps you get lost for a little while. I don't know if I'm helping at all but I hope that I am. Just having someone to talk to when your feeling that sadness helps, I know it hurts when the people that you love don't understand but even though we may not know each other I'm here if you need someone to talk too. It really helps to talk about it, especially when you can relate to what the other person is going through.