Greetings from Winterpeg

[Shybugg]

No idea if anyone will even reply to this but here goes...
I am Shybugg, 45 yr old woman from Canada, recently single after a 13 year long, mostly one sided relationship. Some know my story, he cheated throughout the 13 years, sexually assaulted my sister in law, that was kept from me, and finally got a woman 15 years younger pregnant.
I am 21 years sober, educated, and I managed to raise a child to adulthood who is a decent human being.
Depression has been a constant companion throughout my entire life. I hid it for the most part as my daughter grew up. Having grown up a ward of Child and Family Services, I learned early not to trust the system and feared that if i reached out for help, CFS would take my daughter away from me.
I have two other children I gave up for adoption earlier on. A daughter I had no business having at the age of 17 when i was a violent and out of control teenager, and a son. I was raped outside a local bar by a Hells Angels hanger on and left for dead in a ditch. I gave my son up for his protection. I never wanted him to know he is the product of a rape.
I found out I had MS in 2000. The day I graduated college as a Health Care Aide I stood in line awaiting my diploma and certificates knowing this. I told no one for quite a while.
I was a Residential Care Worker for 4 years. I worked with pregnant women and girls from extremely diverse back grounds, ranging from broken homes to homeless, domestic violence, and released prisoners and addicts. I loved my job, but, depression reared its ugly head and I had to leave that post. When given a choice between blowing almost 20 years of sobriety and quitting my job, I chose to save my sobriety.
The depression has become worse in the past couple of years, and so has my physical health. The only thing that has literally kept me alive is my daughter. You see, she got married this year and I was to give her away. I did not want to ruin her day.
I am now back on the road to recovery, both physically and mentally. I know I will never be entirely free from the grip of depression, but i am hoping to come out in the end with the ability to at least resemble a normal human being, whatever that is.
I am sorry this is so long, I tend to ramble.
This is me, and I hope to keep talking to people here.

[100footpole]

((((ShyBug))))

You are making good choices under daunting circumstances.

Staying Sober is a major accomplishment, and shows that your heart is in the right place. Keep posting. ... and keep looking for happiness. At 55 I find myself thinking about the good times when I'm depressed, and try very hard not to think about being depressed during the good times.

[Shybugg]

I wish i could see it that clearly. I am an emotional wreck at the moment. I miss my other two children always, not a day goes by that I do not think of them and love them, and miss them. Every Christmas Eve, I light two candles one for each of them. I wish them a Merry Christmas wherever they are and hope they are loved and safe and warm. I let the candles burn down.
This year I am completely alone. No one lives with me. I am going to my daughters on Christmas Eve, but the depression is so bad right now I may have a job hiding it from my daughter and her husband.
Part of me wants to drink, but I will not. Everytime i think of doing it I force myself to remember in minute details, the last time I got drunk. I hold that over my self always. If I forgive myself for it, i might drink. I cannot risk that.
I am seriously considering getting myself temporarily committed. Just so I will not hurt myself or anyone else. I feel empty.
I think that scares me.
Thanks for listening.