Depression Understood Forums

Hello,
I didn't know what else to do besides write how I'm feeling here, and see if I get any type of helpful advice. For about 6 months now (maybe more) have been feeling more and more depressed and not happy with my life. I hate that I feel this way and don't know why it's gotten worse all of a sudden. Maybe a mid life crisis? Who knows. Anyways, I'm 30 years old, 31 next month. I have two children ages 4 and 8, and I live with my parents. I was married and got separated and divorced in 2011. That's when I moved in with my parents. I do work full time as an ophthalmologist assistant and in just a few weeks I should have my certification in ophthalmology. After my divorce, I did meet a man. We fell in" love" and things were good for while, he never cheated, never hurt me and showed me nothing but love. Downside, he had no job. Almost. The whole time we were together actually. Never even tried to get one either. He also loved too "smoke" seemed more important too him then anything or anyone else. He didn't come around my family that often and only really saw the kids maybe 5 times the whole 2+ years we dated. Of course with me having children, I didn't feel it was an ideal situation because of the lack of responsibility and motivation he showed. I came to the point where there couldn't possibly have been a future for us, so I ended it. Broke his heart in 2, and ended it. I don't know if that was selfish of me, but I didn't want too waste his time o'gh school messaged me. HIGH SCHOOL!! I graduated 12 years ago!! And here he was, I was so" in love" with him back then, I couldn't believe I was given a second chance. We hit it off amazingly and I thought too myself" there is a reason God brought him back into my life" this was meant to be. My other have. He calls me his female version of himself, with boobs. We have so much in common and the way he touches me and the way he smells, all of it I just love. So what's the problem? I don't freaking know? And I hate it. He is a recent divorcee himself and has a 4 year old son. His wife had an affair and they tried too work it out, and it didn't. He is also clinically depressed because of this. Also because he is disabled air force. He tells me all the time how I'm an amazing girlfriend and that He misses me when we're apart. Tells me sweet things for the most part. Like how beautiful or hot I am. No probe with sex life either. But there are days he barely talks too me. There are days were together and don't kiss or touch at all. Or I make an effort and he doesn't. Just yesterday, we were together...had dinner and a movie. He didn't touch or kiss me once!! His girlfriend. I didn't understand that and I even attempted cuddling him, even when I said bye too him, I didn't really get a response. I don't know. I know I'm rambling. I just don't know what too do. I'm 30 and have no direction. I hate that I have a failed marriage abd live with my parents. I hate that I keep failing at relationships period. I'm so envious of ppl who are in love and have families and lead great lives. I know I know, there are tons of ppl who are way worse off then I am. But I am scared about how my futures looking. I want too love and be loved and have stability. I want too be good enough. What do I do? What do I say? Am I being selfish? Overanalytical? A cry baby? I don't care I just want someone too tell me the truth and keep it real with me. Emotionally, I'm drained.

Hello kiki,

Well done on getting your certificate in Ophthalmology! (I had to Google it and it looks very interesting!) I don't think you give yourself enough credit for what you have achieved. You're working and bringing up 2 children, you're getting out there and still believe in love even after your divorce. There are so many people who would have given up already and yet you are still pushing yourself and trying to achieve the things that you want in life. You may envy those who are in love, have great families and lead great lives, people often think other peoples' lives are so much better than their own, but all we are seeing is a glimpse of what their lives are about. facebook is a great example of this - we see peoples holiday snaps, pictures of their beautiful homes and cute kids but we don't see pictures of their cheating husbands or letters declaring bankruptcy. People always want to show their best side even if they are crumbling on the inside, yet people on the outside see their lives as great/perfect etc. I am not saying everyone is putting up a fake facade but life is a combination of progress and set backs so everything isn't rosy 100% of the time.

With the guy you are currently seeing, have you asked him why he is being hot and cold with you? I think it is normal for you to analyse the situation as you only want things go well and its best to get any issues out of the way rather than leave it hanging leading to bigger problems. I think it is odd how he is being distant with you all of a sudden and you certainly deserve some answers as no one should be treated this way for no reason.

You know, there is nothing wrong with having a failed marriage and living with your parents. There are so many people trapped in their marriage and are living unhappy lives, yet you have freed yourself from that which is a great step forward. Regarding living with your parents, do you not get along well with your parents or do you just think a 30 year old should be living independently in their own home? I don't know which aspect bothers you but I am sure you can find some positives in the situation - Eg. the kids get to spend time with their grandparents, your parents are there to help when needed, you don't have to pay extortionate rent etc.

I don't think you're a cry baby or anything, I actually think you're a strong woman who deserves to be loved. In your short post I can tell you have a lot of love to give and you just want to find the right man who you love and will love you back. These things take time, so keep an open heart and open mind, don't stress yourself out just because you haven't found him yet. You seem to have a good idea of what kind of man you want and don't want, I wouldn't say you are selfish for breaking up with someone who doesn't add anything to your life. You say you want to be loved but you also need to learn to love yourself too. You're being very harsh on yourself, I can be like that too so I know its not easy to change but once in a while, look at what you do have and not what you don't, be grateful for those things x

Hi kiki,

Probably the best would be to have a conversation with him. If you really like him and he's the one...then there should be no reason that you can't have an open conversation with him. You may find that he could be thinking the exact same thing as you are right now. Perhaps he's quiet because maybe there are triggers that make him think he's going to be hurt again, maybe he's quiet because he feels that maybe he is not good enough for anyone (cheated on, disabled). You could ease into the conversation if you want...tell him that you have been hurt before and that he's a really great guy and that when he's quiet or distant you get maybe insecure or feeling like things are not going well between you. That it may sound trivial, but this relationship seems too good to be true and you just need that reassurance to know that he truly cares for you.

You could also offer up some questions to maybe see how he is feeling...maybe tell him that you know that he's been hurt before and what would does he need from you?

The biggest problem is that when someone gets hurt, especially emotionally, walls come up and the self defence kicks in. And unless the needs of both are properly communicated, then your only going on what you assume each other is thinking and needing, and sometimes never shall the two paths meet.

It doesn't need to be an all out inquisition, ease into it and you may find out it's not as bad as you think....we tend to always think the worse but usually that's not the case.

Hope that helps.