Alone

[Nenalove]

I have suffered from depression all of my life, I come by it naturally as most of my family also has one form of mental illness. I had back surgery in October and have been incapacitated since. I don't remember ever feeling so alone, I am married and have four children. Yet I am alone! My husband doesn't understand my sadness as he doesn't have depression. I spend all of my time in my room in bed since I had my surgery. I cry all the time, a day doesn't pass without tears. I think chronic pain has made my depression unbearable. It is almost painful to leave my room. I feel like I am losing get my mind, I wish my life would just end. I am sure I should be on some kind of meds for the depression UT can't seem to find the will to seek help...I am ashamed of feeling the way I do, I have so much to be thankful for and yet I am so sad. I feel alone, scared, ashamed, and so sad. I have always been able to get through it in the past but this time it is different. I have isolated myself in a hole and can't get out...

[hazeleyes]

I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering so greatly. I feel you. I completely understand where you're coming from. I have been there before. I have suffered from depression all my life. I urge you to seek help. With the right therapist and the right medication, it really helps. Unfortunately it won't cure it, but it will definitely help you be able to cope. Please don't feel ashamed or guilty. Its not your fault. Its just the chemicals in your brain. (That's what it sounds like to me, only a professional can tell you that for sure). But I'm sure that's the case and the med will help balance them so you can manage your moods better. Therapy will also give you a safe place to express your feelings and help to cope with them. I know its hard. Especially when you're in the state you're in right now. But hang in there. It will get better. It may seem impossible right now but there is always a way out of the darkness, the hole that you're in. And I believe with all my heart that you will find it. Hang in there, take care. I hope things start looking brighter for you soon.

[Nenalove]

Thank you for your reply, sometimes I just want to dial a number and talk to anyone hoping they understand. I know I need to see someone, it is just such a process...I have crappy insurance and it takes months to finally see a therapist. Then of course it is only a evaluation. I have gone once before, but my isolating gets in the way. It is hard for me to go out in the world, between my pain and the state my thinking is in, I feel out of place, like people know something is wrong with me. I cry all the time, and am so embarrassed when I cry in public. For the past year my only times out of my house is when I have to go to the doctor. My back surgery didn't fuse correctly and I have to have surgery again. I was scared the first time, but this time I am having panic attacks...I am so scared of being down for another 6 months. I isolate myself from everything and everyone. Thank you again. I felt like I needed to put it out there, it is hard when my husband doesn't understand what it's like to be depressed.