Depression Understood Forums

Well here goes I suppose, the first time I've told this story properly.

A year and a half ago I was raped by my ex boyfriend. He was in the army and I had gone down to visit him for the weekend. The night I went down I didn't want to have sex with him as I was too tired from the travel and it was pretty late, I also was not up for it the day after as I was feeling a little down. In the evening he went out to get fish and chips for us and when he came back he put them down, pushed me up against the wall and started to kiss me. After a few moments he started to put his hand up my top so I pushed him off me and said we should eat first. He pushed me back against the wall and stamped on my foot and pressed himself to me so I couldn't get away. He told me that he'd waited long enough and he wasn't going to wait anymore.

I have never been so scared in all my life I just stood there petrifired while he rubbed parts of my body that I didn't want him to touch. I tried to duck away but he caught me, threw me onto the bed and pinned my arms down. I think you can guess what happened next...

He lived on an army base and I had to get signed in and out by him before I was allowed to enter and leave. My train wasn't until the next day so I had to spend a night alone with him, in his bed. I was terrified and didn't sleep at all. The next day he acted as if nothing had happened and in his eyes I don't think he thought anything bad had. I was his girlfriend after all.

Hello Flik94,
I need to let you know that I just wrote a long response to your post only to accidentally erase it!
I'm unable to retype it at the moment, but I will soon. Until then, please know that someone truly cares!

I just want to say that I am so sorry this happened to you and that it is in NO WAY ok what he did to you.

thanks guys. I feel like I have noone in my life to talk to about this stuff as it happened a while ago and I have no way to prove it. At first I believed it was my own fault because it was what was expected of me in a relationship so I hid away and shut off from everyone but now I realise that I really need help. It's affecting relationships I have had since then as I feel like I can't trust them (even though they give me no reason to think this) and I haven't been sleeping properly or eating properly for a while now. I tend to get drunk most nights before I go to bed so I can have a proper night's sleep with no nightmares but that really needs to stop!

I was raped when about eight years old, so I've been dealing with depression a long time. The road will be tough for you but you must remain strong. And as far your relationships go, you should take things slowly. People will always let you down every now and again but always try to remember not to do it to yourself. This was definitely not your fault and in a relationship love (not sex),respect, trust, understanding and honesty are the only real vices in a relationship.