Depression Understood Forums

Good afternoon to everyone, I suppose.
As stated in the object bar, I am new to this forum. I do not know exactly what I'd be expected to say to introduce me, so I guess I will keep it short.
I am currently a freshmen at one of the best universities you might find in my country: I have been following a course about physical engineering througout the last year and... well, I am quite drained out. Not just exhausted, I suppose.
My story starts back when I was about sixteen and I got the highest scores among the senior years in my highschool: it was quite exciting and everything, and yet that summer I began struggling with gradually deeper fits of depression. The following years, we got the most strict teachers in our school and everything kept going more and more franctic and unbereable: however, I managed to keep my grades up, while fighting against my black beast alone (I didn't say anything to my family and my acquaintances not to worry them) - whis was definitely tough (in particular, when I had to push away some suicidal thoughts, that is).
Last year, I managed to enter in my actual university and that was the start of the end, I guess.
Doesn't really matter if that's the only course I'd ever follow (because I find the other quite dull or uninteresting): I can't concentrate on what I'm reading. I can't help but feel inadequate and thick in comparison to my colleagues (I am struggling more than the average since I didn't have calculus, computer science and physics among my high school subjects). I just managed to pass two exams out of three (the first one didn't really count as it was English Language).
As a consequence - I dare say - my depression has worsened quite a great deal in the last months: some weeks ago, I almost broke down before my mother's eyes and quite confessed her my concernings about my mental health (nothing has changed with my family since then, however).
I don't grieve for attention. The outburst above can be justified as I've always been a rather introvert person, who never really got a chance to discuss what's happening in that o(e)ver-working brain of his.
I hope I have not annoyed anyone with this post, really.
Uhm... have a nice day. Really.
J.Hill

P.S. Please, I do know it's not excusable, but do bear in mind that English is not my native language.
P.P.S. I'm rather sure my depression wasn't triggered by the school environment (it's just that, actually, is one of the side about my life I'm most concerned about).

Hello there J. It sounds like you're having a pretty poor year. I hope it gets better for you. Many people do get help from antidepressants and therapy. It hasn't worked to well for me, but my depression has been pretty tenacious.

Speaking of University, by far the best year I had was when I was 24. I've never been interested in drinking, smoking or drugs, but I always loved to eat. At 24 I ruptured my appendix and when I got out of the hospital I weighed 299 pounds. I felt better than I had I felt in years. I started walking a lot, bicycling and eating a reasona le amount of food instead of being a gluten. I went back to school and was able to focus on my studies. For the only time in my life I got straight A's. It all felt great and I was very hopeful. Alas after about 18 months the depression came back. I tried to stay focused, eat right and exercis, b ut week after week the depression clung to me. Over the course of six or so months I'd regained the hundred pounds I'd lost and left school.

I know many people succeed in beating their depression and I heartily encourage you to try seek out help. My story is not inspirational, but many do have much better outcomes than I have.

Good luck to you my friend.

Hi.
I do not think you story wasn't inspirational, as I can sort of relate to what you wrote: I also love eating and, at first, I thought most of some typical symptoms of depression (such as everlasting tiredness and -in particular- drowsiness, having an hard time to focus over even small issues) had been triggered by the way I used to eat. They hadn't, though.
By far, I also had an year in which I got straight A's (among the 2nd and the 3rd of highschool) and, sometimes, I wonder where such a brilliant and confident student had lost his way.
Your reply has given me some points to work on. I am considering therapy, of course, and I think I'll come out with my family sooner or later (with the depression issue, that is).
Thank you for your reply. I suppose it was useful. Really.
Hope you'll have a nice day/evening/night (depending on your time zone, that is).
Best regards!
J.hill

P.S. Dealing with other people is not really my cup of tea and, sometimes, other tend to find me over-polite or a little bit too direct (depending on the vibe of the day). I beg your pardon if I'd offended you in anyway: I didn't mean, obviously.

Hi j.hill,

Thank you for sharing your story.

You spent most of your first post talking about your education but at the end you mentioned that your depression wasn't triggered by the school environment, so do you know what triggered it in the first place? (It is OK if you do not wish to share it here but it would be good for you to know so you have a starting point). You also mentioned that you struggled with deeper fits of depression during the summer when you was 16 which you didn't elaborate on. You talk a lot about how you are struggling now but not so much about the cause. I wanted to write this part first because I think it is best to get to the root of the problem rather than wasting years dealing with the symptoms and letting the main cause grow bigger over time but do what suits you best.

Regarding your current issues, I wonder if it is you who have high expectations of yourself or your parents or even both? You got high scores in high school and you liked the feeling, but what was it that you liked... the praise you got from your parents/classmates? You felt proud of yourself? You did better than everyone else? etc. Maybe you are trying to chase that same feeling again so put a lot of pressure on yourself to maintain that high standard through University.
Personally I never cared about my grades, although they were high but what I was really looking for was a "well done" from my parents. So a lot of what I did in life was to please my parents and make them proud, although it may not be something I wanted to do. Some times you need to take a step back and look at what you are doing and why you are doing it.

You focus a lot on your grades, although they are important, it isn't all University is about. Socializing, making friends, developing yourself as a person, becoming independent etc is just as important. Good grades may lead you to your dream job but grades alone wont open every door so don't neglect other areas of your life (perhaps you are doing this already so apologies if this isn't relevant to you).

One last thing that I picked up on was your mothers reaction when you confessed to her about your problems.. how did that make you feel? I can't help but feel that she didn't give you what you wanted... comfort? understanding? or something else... only you know.

Hope you have a nice day ^__^

Ieris x

I definitely feel for you. For some advice, I think that you should express your condition with your family. I find it encouraging to have people in your corner during the darkest of times. And who knows, as with the case with my family, it might be someone amongst them who has gone through something similar and they can offer up some advice and guidance.