Depression Understood Forums

So long story short I'm not depressed (to my knowledge) but I kinda want to kill myself (but I can't because I wouldn't want to hurt my mom or friends like that). These thoughts first started around 7th grage but I gradually stopped being a blubbering mess and thought I was 'normal' again until a Hamlet essay convinced me I would fail university and should give up now before wasting any more money. I know I'm not going to kill myself but I keep thinking about it and I was told I should call a helpline or talk to my guidance counsellor but I'm to chicken for that so here I am. Hi and sorry.

Hello Nutmeg,

Sorry to hear that you feel this way, what made you feel suicidal around 7th grade? Do you remember what happened that may have triggered that off? Sometimes it isn't just one incident, but a series of things. It is fine if you don't want to share them here but do write them down onto paper so you can address them more easily rather than letting them float in your head.

I almost failed University at one point and I have been beating myself up over it as I could have done so much better if I was focused. Well I can't undo it so I have learnt to accept it, you're in a much better position as you still have the chance to do well. Regarding the Hamlet essay, if you are having difficulty with it don't be afraid to ask your tutor for more help, create drafts and let them read over it and modify as necessary. Don't make it a bigger problem than it really is, sometimes we find things difficult only because we don't fully understand it or we doubt ourselves too much. If you are unsure about certain things, something you can always do is "ask", there will always be someone willing to help

Good luck with things, don't be too hard on yourself x

Well I've never had the greatest relationship with my father and around that time I discovered I had been an accident conceived 2 months before my parents marriage and started blaming myself for my mothers unhappiness (she's a saint and i know she doesn't blame/regret me but I can't help it). I guess pairing that with some bullying at school was enough to bring me over the edge. I really thought I had gotten over most of it in high school and i had been pretty decent the last couple years. I've asked for help and an extension on the essay so I'm doing a bit better there but now I can't stop doubting everything about university.