New & Need help getting passed these feelings - long sor

[t1980]

I'm new here as I need somewhere or someone to turn to. I don't feel as though my friends or family really listens to me. I have been to countless counselors in my life and none of them have been able to help me, I feel like I'm cut off before I can get my feelings or points across and everything is just brushed off. It's very frustrating when I have an issue I need addressed and help to get passed it and they turn a situation onto themselves (yes I have had numerous counselors do this...I thought they were paid to listen??)
I do admit though, when I was 13 I got in a little trouble with the law, my mom sent me to my first (of many) counselors. I lied on the testing they gave me, and they sent me to group therapy for self-esteem. I’m not very good at speaking in a group of strangers so I got nothing out of it. Last year I went to my family doctor and they have a counselor on staff and she sent me to group therapy for anger issues I have with myself and how to deal with them. Again, (even after telling her about my past group counselling) I got nothing out of it.

Anyways, I'm 34 yrs old and I need to work on my feelings of not being able to be loved or being allowed to be happy.

I haven't had the best life, but I have had far from the worst life.

My biological father is not in my life. I cut him out of my life when I was 16 for the last time. My parents divorced when I was 5. My father was abusive to my mother and verbally abusive to me. I watched him many times beat my mother in front of me before she finally left him, and the abuse didn't end there, he showed up at our house to beat her. He would continually let me down. Promise to pick me up and then not show without a single phone call, numerous lies and being put last behind many girlfriends he had before he settled into his 3rd marriage. Neither wedding was I invited to. My father was my first heartbreak from a male. When I was 21 I had to call him about school and his support payments and he told me I was a horrible daughter and wanted nothing to do with me. I called him again before I was to be married and wanted all the baby pictures he took when my mom left and was given when my grandmother passed away and he told me they were damaged in a flood and they threw them all out. That was our last conversation and I don't see another in our future. It hurts me that I was never given an opportunity to have a relationship with the one man who was supposed to be my protector and love me unconditionally.

My mom dated a man who attempted to fill in the role for my actual father. When I was 16 they split up, and since he's been in and out of my life. Only when it’s convenient for him really. His actual blood children obviously come first, but I can go a year without hearing from him and when he decides its time, he'll call me up and tell me he was thinking about me, but that's about it. No birthday cards, emails or calls, no Christmas calls, emails or cards. It’s as though I'm not important.

My mother and I have a difficult relationship, like most mother and daughters. I was always put behind her relationships, thankfully there has only been 2 but when you are feeling vulnerable and one parent doesn't love you, you hope the other would step up. My mom is at a point abusive. At the age of 7, my mom didn't like how I was eating and literally put my plate on the floor and made me eat like a dog. She would hit me with the brush when I cried that she was too rough brushing it. If she gets mad at me, she will give me the silent treatment and then leave me notes. When I was going to college, she left me this long letter that said that I was a slut and that if I was only going to college to get laid I shouldn't go and give the seat to someone who would appreciate the education. This letter was because I wanted to rent a place that would allow me to have sleepovers (the place we were looking at wouldn't allow me to have either gender stay the night...so no friends from out of town could stay). When I got married, she was being really mean and horrible. My friend and I slept in (my wedding wasn't until the evening) and wanted to enjoy the day. My mom called me, flipped out and told me that I was to get ready without her and she didn't want me around. I cried as I wanted my mom with me on my wedding day, I wanted to get ready with her. She felt guilty, only because we were at the salon getting our hair done and my aunt was there. I later told my aunt she was being cranky. My aunt told my mom and when I got home from my wedding I had another note sitting on my dining room table telling me I was selfish (her key word that she knows is like a stab in the heart) and she needed time away from me. She didn’t even show up to my reception that my ex husband and I had a month later (we were married out of town so we had a party/reception to celebrate with friends and family). When I was in college we didn't speak for 2 years.
I know I didn't “deserve” how she treats me. May people have pushed her out of their life for how she treats me, especially her current husband’s family. Her ex’s daughter would tell me all the time that she was disgusted by many things that she did in my past (I can’t remember a lot of what she’s done but its enough to upset people).

I've had 2 real relationships. My first love and I were in a relationship for 4 years off and on. We were not a good couple. Both of us are depressed people and we would bring each other down. While I felt love from him at the beginning, I ended up feeling alone in the end. If we drank, it was horrible; we would fight and say nasty things to each other. We would not have sex, he didn't want to touch me and made me feel really unwanted. The month before I ended things the last time, I tried to jump out of our apartment bedroom window. I can't remember what he had said to me, but at the same time my mom was not talking to me, her ex boyfriend was not talking to me (on of his off times) and my ex and I fighting, I felt alone and unloved. I don't remember much from that night, but I know I was sedated at the hospital and was kept overnight for observations. I was later released. That was the only time I have ever tried to commit suicide, but it’s always in the back of my head. I go through dark times in my life and I just feel like it’s the best option I have. I can't hurt my family like that, I'd prefer to suffer with being depressed than to cause hurt onto my family.
My other relationship is with my husband. We're separated; I left when I was 6 months pregnant because of neglect, and abuse. It’s a really long story in itself and not really worth mentioning. I did not love my husband, but I thought I could be happy as long as he was able to provide for our family. When my unborn child's life was at risk, I had to leave.

I’ve had a lot of non-relationships. I tried to make people love me by using my body to keep guys around. I ended up hurt and alone and feeling worse about myself, even now, I look back at that time and can’t believe I treated my body with such disregard. I just call it my slutty past and move on with it. I don’t deal well with my feelings and tend to brush things off and make them less important that what they really are.

I have a 4 year old son, who I have raised alone since day one. Since the moment I brought him home, my life has been dedicated to him. The factory that I worked at closed and I took my time home to dote on him and love him. However, I never feel it in return. I did rely on my mom a lot in the first year. He was colicky and had reflux and at times I thought I was going to lose it. I did not have postpartum but I did reach a point where I understood why babies were shook, thankfully I had enough common sense to call my mom, put my son in the crib and have a long shower to get away from the constant crying. My son is very attached to my mom. She's making up for her mistakes through him. For 4 years I have had to listen to him scream and cry when we leave her house. For 2 years we would just put him to sleep in her bed and I would take him home when he was asleep just so I wouldn't have the heartbreak of him crying when we left. I watch her with him and wonder why she couldn't be that patient or loving with me. And I watch him with her and wonder why he can't love me like he loves her. I put up with his tantrums, he hits me and screams at me, and he gets his time outs each time. I feel like I'm not good enough for him. I try my very best with him, I shower him with affection, constantly telling him I love him and I just don't feel it back. I'm told he does by friends and my mom, but I don't think they would confirm what I feel.

I'm also in a relationship. I've been dating someone for the last 4 months after being single while I raised my son the last 4 years. I have fallen hard for this guy and I really do not want to mess this relationship up with how I feel. I'm trying to work passed these feelings of not being worthy of love or being happy but I have no idea how to deal with them. I'm constantly feeling like if I do one thing wrong he is just going to leave me. I don't feel worthy of him. He's a great guy and I can honestly say, he is good to my son and I. He tries to show me he loves me, but I just can't accept it.

Thank you for getting through this long post. I don't expect any advice, I suppose I just needed to get it all out since I've never had the opportunity without being cut off or being made to feel like my feelings are not right or justified.