Depression Understood Forums

Thought I would try this cause I can't afford professional help. I'm new to all of this so please bear with me. I have suffered with depression since I was a teenager and have lost touch with all the ways I use to cope. In most part because they were not healthy. When I was younger I use to abuse drugs and I use to pick fights with the biggest badest dude in the bar. I also use to workout a lot.
In the past few years I had injured my shoulder so bad that I was no longer able to do the job I loved so much and lost it. I was a mechanic and I loved it working on things and fixing them was great. After finding out I would no longer be capable of working again I stooped really low into my depression that me and my fiance fought all the time. We worked things out after a lot of crying and screaming matches.
That's when I decided to go back to school to find a new career it has been a super rough year in fighting to keep my unemployment having my car stolen keeping my grades up in school having family members die and the stress of everyday life. I feel like I put on a brave face but no one knows how much I hurt everyday.



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I think I like writing out what's wrong it puts things in perspective. I try to count my blessing everyday which are I have my family and I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach. But other wise I hate everything. I lost my unemployment in Nov and have been relying on my mom for gas money to finish school which I finished last week. And my fiance. I'm hurt right now cause he is angry all the time and he lashes out at me I try to play calm to get him to stop but it hurts when he puts me down. I make the excuse that he doesn't mean it he is just upset with the world. ut it still hurts. I am going thru the struggle of trying to find a job but it really hard and I feel like when I ask people for help they all smile and say no problem but then turn and abandon me. I hate relying on other people for money and I want to be independent again. I feel like a failure often and would like to end it all but then I think of my mom and my fiance and I decide not to. I tried to talk to my fiance about those urges and he yelled at me and told me I was being selfish. But he doesn't understand. I don't feel like the person I once was or would like to be. I would like not to struggle anymore with everything. I feel like I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel but its always an oncoming train to run me over again.

Just thought I would say hello, because it was quite important for me to know I had made contact (and was not judged, rejected and despised - I will have to face up to my BPD tendencies one day!) when I posted, in despair, yesterday. It was a relief to be able to say what I was feeling without the shouting and reproachful response. My husband also gets very angry if I try to confide in him that I feel dangerously close to making my suicidal thoughts a reality. I think they get so angry because it terrifies and confuses them. Hell, it terrifies and confuses me too! Hang in there. X