I am a new member. A bit lost and alone, my need to make contact and understand what is going on with me has led me here.
I am a 37 year old mum of two. Outwardly I have the perfect life but it's all pretty dark and hopeless on the inside. After 18 years of struggling with my "selfish, drama-queen" character (words used to describe me when I was a teen) and an increasingly ugly alcohol problem it has finally occurred to me that I am indeed dangerously depressed and have been for years. It hit when puberty did and because I was quite a wild child I learnt to self medicate with alcohol, which became a bigger problem in a way. I sobered up, believing that would fix me and it did for a bit. That was difficult enough but then a fresh and powerful wave of bleakness hit me completely out of the blue and I realised that the alcohol was a symptom not a cause and I'm facing a much bigger animal than I anticipated. Without the fog of substance the depression is almost unbearable. I feel totally disconnected most of the time, worthless and irritated by everything. I made some very bad choices and ended up wrecking the car, which has left me totally ashamed and, well, just broken and out of options.
At the moment, I am paralysed by the smallest thing; the thought of getting my kids to school makes me almost sick with anxiety. I am exhausted but cannot sleep and until quite recently have been plagued by suicidal thoughts. I didn't want to post while they were still going on but reading stories about others has helped me put some distance between myself and these thoughts. It is clear to me that I cannot fight this on my own.
So, I'm booked in to see my doctor next week and will request an anti-depressant course. My husband is totally against this saying that it will change my character and all I need is some daylight and exercise. To be honest, any change would be better than this. I was prescribed Amitriptyline a few years ago after my dad died and I couldn't stop the anxiety. But I got the feeling the doc just wanted a quick fix and didn't really listen. I am tripped up a lot by the stigma and shame of mental health particularly since alcohol has played a part in the issue. I know it's as daft as being ashamed of a broken ankle but years of conditioning die hard. It doesn't help that my husband agrees with this and thinks I should keep it under wraps. I have been very unwell for almost two decades now and I simply have to do something because nothing else has worked. For the first time in ages I feel a tiny glimmer of hope.
If anyone could let me know of a good medication to request I would be grateful. The amitriptyline didn't do a blind bit of good. I was prescribed Xanax when I was abroad which was incredibly effective for panic attacks but the doctor got quite annoyed when I asked for it over here. Made me feel like a drug addict trying to score, which was not true!
Sorry about the huge long post. I do blather on. But I'm a bit all over the place this morning.
