Depression Understood Forums

Hello everyone,

Iv just joined the forum because I need to tell someone how I'm feeling, and naturally not someone I actually know as I am a man and don't do that

So here it is. I'm 19 and i feel like I just cant go on with my life, I'v never had a girlfriend or ever kissed a girl for that matter, and I cant leave the house without panicking and getting awful abdominal pains (The doc's put that down as social anxiety).

Just reading that back makes it seem so pathetic and as if its not a problem at all but for me that my life, that's where it starts and that's where it ends. All I'v ever wanted in my life is that special girl, stupid as it is, maybe ever creepy? I don't know but i just want someone to hold, to make me feel like I have something fight for. Hell if I knew this girl was at the end of the world I'd go there but I don't, I don't know if she even exists

As for the pain I get, well.. after around 10 or so years I'v came to terms with that, its the only feeling I actually understand, its grounding (if that makes sense to anybody). Its the thing that has kept me from going to school, collage and university to follow art, my first and only love. now even that is slipping away from me.

To try and understand me I'm going to write a short list of things that have stuck with me through life,
1. Never had a real friend until I was 18 (by real I mean someone I can trust and don't ignore you after your father dies and your going through the hardest time of your 14 year old life)
2. Insulting students and teachers
3. My fathers face on his deathbed
4. Never been in a fight
5. Knowing I'm not the kind of son my farther wanted

The things I'v mentioned are what has lead me to post here, they are what are responsible for my heavy yet empty feeling. Honestly I don't know what I hope to get out of this post so I'll take anything, an opinion, an answer, even a blank response. Just so I know someones out there listening.

Many thanks for reading,

R

Hey R,

I've been reading your post and I want you to know you are not pathetic for feeling that way. I've been there too and..you've clearly gone through worse stuff than me.
I honestly don't know what to say to not make it sound like a 'cheer up and get over it'-message. Because that is definitely NOT what I mean to say...because I know it doesn't work that way.

As for the girlfriend matter, it is not that unusual, you know. I just turned 20 I haven't had a boyfriend all my life as well. and I don't have social anxiety or anything. I think I can understand your wish to dedicate yourself to somebody...and although I don't know what to do until then (if it's going to happen because I'm not going to lie and promise you it will someday and all that nonsense) I don't think it's stupid.


I don't know if I should ask these questions because I don't mean to pry even further and i'm sorry if they sound insensitive (that's the last thing I want) but they just popped up while I read your post. You don't have to answer them or to any of this if you don't want to but I guess you know that without me telling you...so, you only mentioned your dad in your post and from what I understand he had had a great impact on you but...what about your mum? And my second question; i know art can be of a lot of help to some people to deal with these kinds of thoughts...why do you think it's slipping away?

This is probably the most unhelpful post you can get because i have actually no idea how to deal with any of that either but...you said you'd want to know someone has read this and I did and I wanted you to know and...maybe let you know that you're not the only one

Hi lyla,

Thanks for the reply, I very much appreciate you taking the time to do so. As for your questions, I don't think they are prying or insensitive because after all I'm here to talk. So I guess I'll start with my Mother, naturally she was hit pretty hard by my Dads death which is part of the reason I don't talk to her about "problems". I tried to be there for her and my problems where the last thing she needed to deal with. She also has a "boyfriend" and I can't help but feel like shes been unloyal somehow... even though its been almost five years. Hes not a bad guy but he is not my dad and I feel like its my responsibility to "lets say" keep him inline, rather like dad did with my sisters boyfriends.

Now art, its the only natural talent I have or at least know about and with me missing so much school/collage I have no useful qualifications that will help me to start a career as an artist, which is what I want to do. Over time I have just about lost my eye for design, I can still picture things in my head but putting it down on paper is difficult. I am however in the middle of designing a tattoo for a friend from online gaming so that's something at least.

Finally, your post is not unhelpful. As I said I have only the one irl friend and its really nice to talk to someone new who understands.

Hmm ~

New to the forum trying to be of some help to someone. For me , helping others seem to help with my depression. I hope for all of us to help others.
Worth a chance for me.
thanks