need a change

[pepper2014]

Hi, I have tried unsuccessfully to find a site, forum, or chat room just to have someone to talk to. I live in a small town and am a proud momma to a very awesome teenager. I have a great job and a good church family. I really have no drama in my life, but I am still depressed. I do not feel sorry for myself, I do not want people's pity, I do not let people into my life. I am simply sad a lot and I do not find joy within myself. I cannot figure it out. I tried meds and that made me gain weight which makes me feel worse. I have suffered with depression as a long as I can remember and I have been hospitalized for a nervous breakdown a few years ago. I have tried everything. I have tried drinking, relationships, mediation, religion, counselors, psychiatrists, and hypnosis. Nothing seems to work. I was asked if I knew what "happy" felt like. I do not. I can tell you what manic is, what drunk happy is, what pretending to be someone I am not is, and how others feels, but I cannot tell you what my happy is. Anyway, I do have a strong belief in God but struggle with allowing myself to be healed and letting everything go to Him. People make it sound so easy and I have yet to figure it out. That in itself is a long story. So, this is me. Small town, single mom, reclusive, love to work, love my puppies, depressed little ole me. Nothing special, do not stand out in a crowd, quiet, shy, funny, and want to live.