Hello. Here to try and get some understanding
Posted: Wed Jan 29, 2014 5:15 pm
Hello,
I'm 22, I live in Paris and I...oh whatever. I've been struggling with depression for years. Went through lots of different coursesof therapy, some helped a bit in my understanding of the sickness. But the sneaky one evolves, it seems.
I used to be horribly sad all the time. I would cut, try to forget with bulimia, try to kill myself in various ways, until I ended up in a psychiatric hospital that I couldn't leave for fear of the colorless world outside... I thought it couldn't get any worse. But after feeling so angry and sad for so long, I'm guessing I've inconsciously tuned off any kind of feelings. Emptiness is in many ways even worse than despair, just like being hated is somehow better than being ignored.
I just drift through life like a ghost, wishing to be able to really feel something for anyone, wishing to gain my passions back. I used to write and compose a lot, even when I was in the worst pains. Now I don't have the will to write anymore. Last time I tried to play the piano, I realised I had nothing to play. My head was empty. That made me feel extremely frustrated and lonely. I don't feel anything for my father and sister, and I am quite unable to love a man, or a woman for that matters. I get bored. I'm too tired to get to know them.
This is actually my first time ever writing about this on a forum, so I might be ranting a bit too much, and in the wrong place since this is an introduction.
And if you're wondering why I've decided to write on an English forum instead of a french one, I'd say it's because I feel more detached with that language, hence more secure.
I'm 22, I live in Paris and I...oh whatever. I've been struggling with depression for years. Went through lots of different coursesof therapy, some helped a bit in my understanding of the sickness. But the sneaky one evolves, it seems.
I used to be horribly sad all the time. I would cut, try to forget with bulimia, try to kill myself in various ways, until I ended up in a psychiatric hospital that I couldn't leave for fear of the colorless world outside... I thought it couldn't get any worse. But after feeling so angry and sad for so long, I'm guessing I've inconsciously tuned off any kind of feelings. Emptiness is in many ways even worse than despair, just like being hated is somehow better than being ignored.
I just drift through life like a ghost, wishing to be able to really feel something for anyone, wishing to gain my passions back. I used to write and compose a lot, even when I was in the worst pains. Now I don't have the will to write anymore. Last time I tried to play the piano, I realised I had nothing to play. My head was empty. That made me feel extremely frustrated and lonely. I don't feel anything for my father and sister, and I am quite unable to love a man, or a woman for that matters. I get bored. I'm too tired to get to know them.
This is actually my first time ever writing about this on a forum, so I might be ranting a bit too much, and in the wrong place since this is an introduction.
And if you're wondering why I've decided to write on an English forum instead of a french one, I'd say it's because I feel more detached with that language, hence more secure.
