Depression Understood Forums

So... here it goes. I've been frequenting this site for over a year now, always too timid to put my own story/words/experiences out there. I guess, at a certain point, you have to stop being a tourist and start being a contributor.

I was diagnosed with Dysthymia (Chronic Depression) just shy of ten years ago and have been in treatment/therapy/analysis, however you wan to define it ever since. It took a while for the diagnosis to come through because my symptoms were diverse in nature. I was misdiagnosed as having borderline personality disorder and OCD before a consensus was made and I was put on medication.

It finally made sense after that but definitely did not remedy the problem. Juggling prescriptions, treatment options and "remedies", I bounced around from depressive episode to episode and my reprieve in between was an overall feeling of malaise. Those dark thoughts haven't vanished, the contemplation of life's worth still invades my mind and yet, from the outside, you'd never know. So, naturally, I've been depicted as just a sullen, pessimistic individual rather than a casualty of mental illness.

Bi-Polar disorder runs in my mother's side of the family; my father (A Vietnam vet) suffered from depression early on and returned with PST. The double down on drama makes for a solid recipe for divorce. So my mother remarried and I was raised in a household with strong gender roles under the leadership of her new husband and vulnerability and weakness weren't tolerated. Most of my scars can't bee seen by the naked eye but they hurt nonetheless. Nature... nurture... doesn't matter; I won the lottery on both accounts.

What's astonishing is how much you seem to learn about human nature, about the ins and outs, the whats and why of how we interact when you're on the outside looking in, paralyzed to participate. I'm the confidante, the voice of reason, the go-to guy for relationship advice and simultaneously, I'm unable to put my own words into actions in a meaningful way.

So you learn to adapt, you deal, you put on that brave face and perform for friends, family, colleagues and strangers. It's been a survival mechanism I've adopted ever since I was a child, only I didn't realize that my need to hide in plain sight was out of my control. I thought I was just, plain, damaged. I learned to suffocate myself with work, activities, events, etc... in an attempt to avoid silence. I've leapt from bad relationship to worse to avoid solitude. The shallow void within me is a gaping hole that I can't seem to patch.

Here's the thing about people like me: you observe, you analyze; you learn the right phrases, correct gestures and what attributes a normal person has so when it comes time to put on a friendly face, a compassionate embrace, a warm smile, you improvise like your life depended on it and nobody suspects a thing. You advance in your life, your career, your relationships... all the while, feeling like a complete and utter fraud. That emptiness still remains.

I'm afraid to take off my mask,to let people see the real me; the shell of a person and at the same time, I want nothing more than to be accepted for who and what I really am. The stigma of being labeled damaged, of being "ill" is enough to make you a pariah without speaking a single word. It's a paradox, ten years in the making. I want to want, to desire, to yearn, to feel... and even with a combination of pharmaceuticals, all I do is exist. Still, I put on the mask and go about my day. It's safer than the alternative.

My thoughts and my feelings are seemingly at war with one another and I'm continually stuck in the middle. So, every morning I wake up, let my id and superego debate one another and force myself off to work, to my seemingly normal life. And every morning, I put my stock in hope; hope that someday, maybe today, that the hesitation, the fear, and that struggle will be long gone and that I can feel what others feel, smile without purpose and just be normal. Until then, the show must go on...

Firstly warm welcome

So sorry your struggling and suffering a lot right now.
We are here to listen and support.

Keep reaching out and keep writing if it helps.

(((Hugs)))

Hmm..

Hey Taco; Welcome to the forum.

I think it's a pretty interesting thread that you and Ieris have going here. Something I seem to see alluded to here is the two sides of the mask; the flip of the coin if you will. Taco, I think you know this though you haven't explicitly said it.

When we fashion and wear a mask, it changes the way people see us; but it also changes the way we see our selves. It constrains how we see the world. It constrains our actions, after all that's how the mask works. Over time it will change who we are. And after a while [there are so many novels, and plays, and movies about this] the mask can become impossible to remove.

That's one reason I'm happy to see you posting. It's important to find places, here and in daily life to slip the mask off; to let someone, that you trust, see who you are. You need the mirror of another trusted soul to help you see your self in order to grow, in order to pursue the things that matter to you. Otherwise all the feedback, positive or otherwise, is in response to someone who you are not.

So tell us if your comfortable; what new direction would you take, what interests would you pursue, if you didn't have the burden of the mask to maintain?

I agree with them both.

I too am dysthymic and yes I know EXACTLY what you are going through

Just wondering how the show goes Taco. Duality has it's up and downs.

Bingo. I think you have all nailed it on the nose.

I can't take off my mask either.

there was a time i had lost myself to the mask i wore. i felt like a liar to my friends, my family, and my peers. even though i hung around a large group i was still alone. they'll talk and i'll listen, add in a good word or two, but never speak about what was really going on inside my head. i didn't know how. it seemed weak of me to do such a thing-- share my inner thoughts. i had so many emotions and i was pretending to be a totally different person. i took traits from television characters and added them to myself/the way i acted. i was buried under all this empty stuff till i almost suffocated in a void of silent turmoil. i did have a breaking point. i realized afterwards i wasnt suppose to feel the way i did and that conveying my true emotions doesnt make me pathetic. it allows for progress. slow progress, but progress nonetheless. i started nearly all over again after i broke. i learned how to feel emotion, express myself, and how to be with people. when you first start to talk from the you under the mask, it is very difficult. the words come out all rusty and small-like. but as you start to string together sentences and whole thoughts, you start to get used to it, and the rust wears off. it begins to feel right and little by little, the pieces of the mask begin to crumble, and you find yourself-- with the help of some kind souls-- picking up the pieces of the you that's always been there watching from the start. one day you will be the true you in front of everyone. i hope that day comes soon. in the mean time, best wishes, and communication is a two-way street.