Depression Understood Forums

Hello...
Haha...very original greeting...
I know...right?
Uhmmm.... Thank you for reading my post...


I'm Schyl3r and I'm 21 yrs. Old...
Fat-obese
Short
No dream, no life...
Basically a NEET...
No work
No school
No whatsoever...

This is actually my first time posting in a forum so please bare with me as I would like to share some of my worry. I'm not entirely sure if I'm depress or not...weird right? Still, i want to share it here as I don't have anyone who will listen to me without judging or criticizing me.
You know, I grew up in country were depression is nothing. People don't really recognize it as something to be worried about. As I grew up, I had a hard time getting along with other kids, it was very very hard. Well you see I'm not what you call a beauty, a smart, a lovely or a sporty gal, I'm just well Me. At first I didn't really think of it but when I hit the age of 13 , that's when I started seeing or knowing that I'm different from the others. I tried to fit in cause that's the only thing I could do at that time. I didn't know anything about depression and I had no one to talk about , as my mom is working in another country and I don't know anything about my father. It was very scary for a child to have this thoughts, that she's different and she doesn't know why... without realizing it, I started bending my anger towards others. Criticizing, swearing and bullying become my thing and I was feared by my schoolmate, was praised by my friends and become the unruly student for the teachers. In a year I became the leader or the badass but it was sti,l the same. The feeling that I'm different from them was still present, I couldn't relate to my friends or schoolmates. I got scared so I shut myself up. I didn't go to school just stayed inside my room most of the time. I started building my own world inside my room. From then on and even now I couldn't seem to pick my self up. Although I tried, I really do...I went back to school and finish highschool, I even went to college for ayear but it was different, really different...I felt like I'm not here...my mom already gave on me so does my family...
To be honest I'm just waiting for my death...
Coward isn't it?
I could not kill myself cause I'm scared...
Pathetic...

Sorry for my bad english...
As I have written before, I'm not smart so basicalli I can't speak/ write proper english. Still, thank you for reading this. I just want to vent my frustration and anger into something else rather than eating...
If possible I would like to continue writing here just for my self peace...haha

Schyl3r...

Well, Schyl3r, It's been a few days. I don't want you to feel like no one is listening, because I see people are reading your post. Sometimes it's difficult to find words. I often find myself just waiting for my death. But it's in the waiting that life happens. And how you wait has much to do with how you die. Keeping busy helps.

Sometimes, I feel like there is so much pressure from all sides that there is no where to go. But if you keep posting you might find some relief and if nothing else you'll be practicing your writing; both good things.

(((((Hugs))))
I care. I'm listening.