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[inneedoflife]

Hi im inneedoflife or charlie is my real name. I have manic depression social annexity disorder and paranoid schizophrenia im here because id like someone to talk to no one I know understands what its like to be me I dont have many friends left and I fear the ones I have are fed up of me being like this. Ive been likw this since I was small and dont really know how to be anything else. I just want to wake up normal whatever that is. I hope someone reads this. Im lost.

[Frame]

Yes, well your signature says a lot. I've had some dark times and there not over yet. I have also known a few people with schizophrenia, although not very well. If you find posting here helpful I'll be glad especially because it may help me come to understand, a bit better, a friend I have now.

I have chronic depression (bipolar type II). I've lost hope of waking up normal and settle for waking up every day. But I'm 52 now and as I look around normal, what ever that is, doesn't seem all it's cracked up to be.

But I think I know what you mean. I'd like more control over my life, my mind, my spirit. I think there are some concepts flying around this forum that can help.

Anyway, welcome. Tell us some more about yourself. And know this; what ever your troubles, your not alone,
Frame

[fallen]

just wanted to say ' hi ' i have sz as well so your not alone.
take care

[inneedoflife]

Thanks for replying. Im 22. I live with my mum shes my carer I cant work because inder stressful situations I become a danger to other people and myself. I hear and see lots of things that aren't there. I beleieve certain things that others dont. I see a psychatrist and a therapist im on anti psychotic medication and anti depressants neither seem to do much to help. Im alot better than I was 2 years ago i guess im just having a few bad days recently.

[inneedoflife]

I do have one good thing in my life I have a boyfriend who ive been with since I was 16 he does try to understand sometimss I feel like hes mad at me for being like this tho I think hes at his wits end with me just wanting to stay in bed and self harm.

I hear voices talking to me all the time they never stop they are always hurtful and nasty I hate no knowing what theyre going to say next and I hate it. I jsut want togive up and die some days I jsut need a friend that understands me I hopw I caj find one here

[Frame]

I feel like I'm in a cage and they're out there poking me with a stick. They're trying to make me do something but no one knows what. Pretty soon they're gonna stop feeding because I won't do some trick. Does it ever feel like that?

I'd stay in bed if I could. I don't hear voices but I have conversations up there. There never good ones. And they don't motivate me. I really could use some positive motivation. Trying to set priorities is like picking alphabets out of oatmeal.

Probably not helping am I? I am trying. Not a good day. But I am listening.

[inneedoflife]

Yeah it does feel like that sometimes

You are helping by just reading what im saying and replying. I find it really hard to stay positive too some days well most days really. Some days I cut myself just to see if I can still feel something anything to just feel alive for a few minutes.

I hurt myself again today im running out if space im covered in scars from head to toe its awful.

[Frame]

I want to tell you something that will free you from the need to seek that kind of control. As you can see from above, I'm having my own control issues. I'll keep thinking, and listening.

[inneedoflife]

My mum saw my arm before shes upset I can tell I wish I could stop I really do it awful being this way it really is. I dont know what to say im useless at talking even through a computer.

[fallen]

i am a paranoid catatonic chronic sz ....blah blah blah.... and all the rest...boring.
i cut my head up when i was younger still have massive scars both emotionally and physically.
i see and hear things all day long ,demons screaming in my face ..blah blah blah....boring.
so i totally get what your going through.
i do not take meds, though i am not suggesting you do the same.
i do hypnotherapy which has worked wonders to take the edge off things, anger etc...
i think it is great that you have a boyfriend that tries his best to understand.
and a mum that cares.
just know that your not alone and there are many of us [sz] out there with the same stuff as you.
personally the voices and everything i see does not bother me, i see it as all real, but i have had this all my life so i do not know any different.
take care and be brave.

[inneedoflife]

Ive been like this all my life too I just cant cope with it as well as you seem to. Thanks for reading my posts tho. Its nice to know im not alone.

[4EverMe]

Hello inneedoflife,
I'm sorry to know you're going through a hellish time. Are you on any medications that do help?

Also, I have an idea that might help you stop the cutting. The next time you think of doing this, can you try writing your painful feelings down in a journal or notebook? This would be a safer outlet for what's hurting you, rather than picking up the knife. It's worth a try. Try to remember that every time you hurt yourself, that you're also hurting those you love. (and who love you) Take care, and keep posting. Posting is basically writing those painful things down too. So, this is also very helpful.

[inneedoflife]

Hi 4ever me
My medication doesnt really help much but ther in the process of changing it anyway.

I have tried a journal before I tried for 3 weeks and it didnt help much. Ive tried all the things my psychiatrist has said to stop cutting and nothing has worked I started doing it at 7 im now 22 over the years its got worse ajd worse until I one day looked at myself and realised the inly place I dont have scars is my face and back I dont know what to do if I keep cutting ine day theyll just stop healing cos I keep cutting scar tissue.
Ive tried to commit suicide 9 times never been successful they were all overdoses. Im scared that one day I will try to do it again I dont want to do I black out and the voices takeover and control what I do then I wake up in hospital.

[fallen]

i am sorry you find this so hard, if i could take all the pain away i would willingly do so, as i would for all those that come on here ,i seem to be able to cope with madness quite well. wow i think i just found something i am good at !.
joking aside the voices in your head can not control you, and not make you do something that you do not want to do , i know.
this is your body , your mind, it is yours, not the voices .
you know the difference between good and evil, if a voice tells me to do harm to some one , i never do it, because i am in control.
when i am driving i avoid moths and butterflys' ,so you know what i mean.
like you i did suicide many times, but i think you have set a new record for how many times you tried.
that says to me that you were never meant to leave, that you have a destiny, a path down on this beautiful orb we call earth.
the cutting does go away you might try an elastic band around the wrist and twang it against your skin, it hurts a lot if you do it enough times, just as good as cutting, but when i cut my head up i think i took it to a whole new level of creativity.....joking.
try cutting out sugars,artificial colours and flavours for they are like drugs to a sz mind, which is already overloaded and overwhelmed .
meditation can help calm the mind ,as can a walk in nature .
caring for an animal, i have a dog, can help you think about something else apart from your own stuff.
avoid stress, crowded rooms...etc..
know that i care as does 4everme and frame and the others on here.
take care

[4EverMe]

Maybe four or five times, I've cut. Five times, attempted suicide by overdose, a few months back.
However, this is nothing in comparison to what you, inneedoflife and fallen have endured. I can't begin to imagine!
I stopped cutting, for conscience reasons. When I did this to myself, I hadn't blacked out, so I don't know what that's like. I can't conceive of blacking out only to wind up in a psyche ward, and very lost and confused!
My heart goes out to the both of you. (immensely)

Out of curiosity, how do meds for schizophrenia cause you to feel??