Another "Hi, I'm new!" message

[SilentWaters]

Hi there.

So I'm new

... and I'm in a bad spot rigt now. Maybe just being in a place where I can safely "drop the mask" will help.

Ok, so about me... I'm 24 and I've had depression since somewhere around 15. I'm not diagnosed but I have seen a doctor (who sortof made a bit of joke of the whole thing so I never went back)

You should know that there are no nightmares in my past and my current "environment" is pretty good... I guess I'm just naturally crazy.

I have a great family who know nothing about this problem, and a fantastic job that I hate even though it pays me me much much more than I deserve. And as a bonus, I have a great friend who is as outgoing as I am reclusive and who always manages to drag me with her.

I'm functional, but in a limited way. I can't begin to list the ways this parasite is impacting my life.

Yeah... so that's me. I'm looking forward to getting to know my fellow UD-dwellers in the coming weeks and months

[Frame]

Silent; I can see myself in exactly your place; the only diferrence being depression wasn't a thing when I was 24; not a thing people had who were loose and running around anyway. I'm excited to think you may be able to integrate this into your life in a proactive healthy way that I never could. The tools and awareness are evolving as we speak.

Keep reading, studying; there are tons of information out there. Keep posting. Tells us what you find, what works, what doesn't. I shall triumph vicariously through you (no pressure). I hope this forum can be a support.

Welcome.

[scrabble]

Hi Silent.

Sorry you are in a bad spot but glad it brought you here. Terying to make sense of depression is hopeless - if we could all pinpoint the cause we could do something about it. I sometimes have days where I feel terrible and can't find any reason why I should.

I think that part of the answer may be in your signature - there is always tomorrow.

Tell us more if you can.

[4EverMe]

Hi silent,
Welcome aboard! What kind of symptoms are you dealing with most specifically, if you don't mind my asking?

By the way. I like your end quote!

[SilentWaters]

Thanks guys, I appreciate the responses.

Lol, thanks 4EverMe, I like yours too.

Well... there's the ever-present feeling of hopeless sadness, the guilt over things that date as far as 10 years back (stupid stuff). Also the constant anxiety when I'm away from home, often leading to what I can only call mini panic attacks. The urge to cry, all the time. The sudden anger. The repeating thought "I hate all of you", this goes hand in hand with "she/he hates me, I just know it". Also I can't seem to truely enjoy doing anything. And of course every little thing is just soooo hard to do, my focus and concentation just doesn't exist anymore. Memory is shot to hell too. I'm always tired. Most days when I get home from work all I want is to curl up in a dark corner and cry... but I can't because I have to put on a smile for my family

Yip that's about it

[Frame]

Something might add a sense of purpose; A sense of purpose can sometimes make the pain and confusion seem worthy. (I tend to ramble so stay with me; but there is a radio show called "Fresh Air with Terry Gross", one of the best interviewers I've ever listened to, you can find archives on NPR or WHYY).

So studies have been done on creativity and it's connections to manic depression. And why not; there's an obvious historical connection. Terry Gross interviewed a scientist who has studied the question and he found two things I find most interesting:

First; The best poetry has been written by depressed people. Actually, writers are stereotypically depressed; tell you why in a minute.
Second; anxiety drives drives innovation and the most creative people are stereotypically manic.
So what's my point? Whether we like it or not, are depression is a life process and in terms of achievement it has historically been a tool for achievement as well grumpiness and bad attitudes.

What the scientist found was that because depression sort of traps us into a zone, that poets (playwrights, novelists...) will obsess over each line working and refining ad infinitum until it is the absolute best. "Normal" people don't have the time or compulsion. Anxiety and mania works sort of in reverse, forcing artists to shed their preconceptions of what is correct or proper or appropriate so that, in performing an act of creativity, the anxiety forces us out of the trap, dissolves the trap, so that what ensues is a work of innovation and originality.

So, all I'm really saying is that; both intuitively, historically, and scientifically, this thing we can't seem to get rid of has been a part of the process of great achievements.

[4EverMe]

That's interesting, Frame. You're onto something here! Not only do I find that I'm creative in a variety of different ways, (not tryin to boast) but I've often found it especially easy to write sad poems. I always have.

Silent, I'm not a doctor but it seems obvious to me that you suffer from depression, and maybe some generalized anxiety. That said, are you planning on seeing a doctor? Sometimes, depression is chronic. Sometimes, it's fleeting. I don't think it could hurt to see someone. Maybe medication could help you with your symptoms? What do you think?

[App]

Hello SilentWaters from a fellow newbie. At this time it's hard for me not to envisage the worst possible scenario in many of the things that impinge on life. I can find myself depressed over the most stupid things. It's also difficult to explain, especially to family I can't even explain to my Drs! How crazy is that?!
However I hope by getting to post with folk it may at least lighten this indescribable weight that is forever forcing me down.
A.

[SilentWaters]

Thanks again for the replies.

Frame, that is an interesting theory you have there, may well be truth in it as I do tend to write more during... altough I tend to be too critical of the results to actually finish anything.

4EverMe, yes I realized this recently. I have seen a doctor. Once. He made a joke of it because I couldn't explain it properly so I never went back... I do plan on finding a doctor first-thing when I move to college next year (dealing with life is going to be impossible if I dont).

App, I know exactly how you feel. And I share your hopes. Goodluck to the both of us and everyone else too. Being here together can only do us good

[saragupta]

Hello silentwater,
I can relate myself to ur life in some ways like,
Although i am regular with my studies (like u r with ur job) but i often find myself crying in my bathroom...over the issues i ve been dealing with silently and i know there are no solutions to them!

Then i have to keep a smiling face and jolly nature with my parents bcoz i am a single daughter and i love my parents and can't make them sad.

I also keep searching to do some creative work. But either i can't afford my creative interests like learning a piano/Casio or my circumstances don't allow me to have some free time to do it.

I am 26, female and i am a medical student, living with my parents. Wen i was in college, i visited a psychiatry doctor to discuss about my depression, when i was speaking about how i feel and stuff, by his face expressions i thought he IS Really going to help me out. I told him about my big ever so excruciating family problems, and other problems like roommate problems, my hand tremors, insomnia. But all he said after i was done speaking was "dear, u need a break that's it. Oooohh yeah yeah ur vacations are also coming! Ryt! Enjoy with family. Now i have to go for a meeting so..." I said thank u sir and came out of his cabin with heart full of regrets. I felt like as if i have told about my deep secrets to someone inappropriate! He dint show a single drop of warmth. How cud he expect me to enjoy with the family about which i was complaining in my story!

Seems like i have a heart that keeps screaming or aching in agony all the time my face is getting tired of pretending a happy go lucky person.
I have no one to talk to and mobile and tv and sometimes my sweet mom are the only friends of mine!
Rest all are like just hi and bye type of friends whom i talk to only on what's app!

Silent, believe it or not sometimes we ourselves can't listen or understand the depth of our own actions. Joining this forum by all of us deep down indicates that we really ARE hopeful.
When i joined this forum i was so depressed that I wanted a solution to my problems or advice for how to deal with it. But after joining it i don't know how and when i started feeling like ok i am not alone and there are people who wud listen to me. And yes people here did listen to me with so much warmth.

What i want to explain is, hunger of seeking help or advise or solution, is itself a hope, or a desire to have better life, Silent.
And by joining this site we all prove this...that more or less we all do have this hunger!...we all have hope.
All we need to do is, to cultivate this handful of hope! Which Is A Very Difficult Task after Wat we all have gone through in our lives. But we all shld keep motivating each other for the same!
I am also working upon a poem!
(I am sorry my English is not that good but i am trying! Will post one soon)

[SilentWaters]

I know what you mean, saragupta. And you're right, as long as we have that hunger, that hope... we can be ok.

And I completely get the whole not-so-understanding doctor situation. They're supposed to help, not make us feel worse. Still, I'm going to try to find a better doctor when I move, maybe you should try a nother one too?

And this: "Seems like i have a heart that keeps screaming or aching in agony all the time my face is getting tired of pretending to be a happy go lucky person"... I know how hard that is.

But there's always hope, we can live for that.

Thanks for writing to me, I look forward to hearing from you again. And I'd love to read the poem you're working on. I do a bit of writing too.