Depression Understood Forums

Hello everyone. I can't figure out how to sum up my sad, lonely, interesting, sometimes crazy and fun, hot mess of for life of 40 years. However, I am sure there are many of you here who can tell the same story or just "get it". I have always been depressed, even as a 3 year old. In my 20's Bi-polar II came out of hiding. I'm 40 and I have spent the past 5 years in a deeply depressed state. Although I am an ultra-rapid cycling bi-polar II the depression prevails and it's DEEP. What is manic for me is what the average person considers normal (for lack of a better word). I had a baby boy in August 2012 and surprisingly until he was about 5-6 months old I was the happiest and most fulfilled I had been in the past 10 years. Of course it ended. Since then I am tortured by this lonliness and emptiness. I work full time and have 5 children (4 at home) and I'm single and do it ALL alone. I have no family or friends where I live. So I have no choice but to get up and do it. But if I didn't have to I would most likely never remove my butt off the couch. What I'm finding too hard is for months now, once the kids are asleep and the house is quiet without any warning I become consumed with this emptiness. What used to be my favorite and most productive time (having the house to myself at night) has become my hell.
So, I figured it would do me some good to at least belong to something that can't hurt and maybe it could ease this lonliness. Also looking for other insights on a different course of treatment. I have been stable on the same medicines for years knowing that we (meaning me and my AMAZING psychiatrist) may not be able to get the depression past where it's been. It's very stubborn and deep. So, thanks for reading!!!!

Hi Beautiful;

I can definitely relate to your sense of being alone. It seems like the more people around me, the more alone I feel. I'm not presently taking any medication and so it often feels like a battle just to summon the will to get out of the house.

It's good to have a place like this to vent, or listen, or respond. I can't imagine what it's like day to day raising five children. But I'm listening.

The loneliness is a regular companion of mine. The stupid thing is that in work & leisure & amid the chaos that goes with it, I just feel so totally isolated & incapable of telling the truth about this world I'm caged in. That's why I hide behind the mask I live in
Good wishes; App.

Hi Beautiful.

I have 5 children and depression too. I live with my wife and all 5 children, but we both work and I feel like a single parent much of the time with the added pressure of having to try and meet someone else's unattainably high standards.

I totally understand your loneliness. My idea of hell is to be put in a room with 100 strangers and be told to talk to them all and "network". it just feels that everyone else is so different to me.

You will find people here who understand what you are going through and are happy to talk about it.