intro

[puneetpandey4]

i don't know what is it.this has all started troubling me from my 10th when I was 13 years of old.i lived with my mom most of the time my father used to work distant town who used to come only on sun.i don't know what were the problems but my relationship with mom was not comfortable I used to get beaten every now and then and daily scolding then all emotional drama sadness daily.it was not like ther is something mysterious between me and her she just could not manage us my sister and brother and every mistake misbehaviour resulted in beating scolding.even at Saturday she used to complain to my father also so again beating and scolding next day.i was too much active in my childhood there have been many times and person who used to say can't you sit peacefully.i belong to india so there is again pressure of study and results every teacher and parents also keep you frightened that what will happen and every tactic from love scolding to beating used by them often scolding in very contemptuous way father is like your enemy at your every mistake we have given you all the comfort that's why you have become so will see what will you do in future(it sounds so normal here but in my lang. it was too abusive and frighten used to cause tension for days no talks for days among family members I used to leave food for days then cajoling my mom and dad to talk nd that was too repetitive).other then this there were good part of them also we were in a small town my father earned more then my peer's so he gave me more facilities than others he used to motivate cajole to study everything overall that was not their misdeed to me actually that's the surrounding here.
I was good in studies also but always cut off from friends after school their conception that I will get spoiled if will get in touch with others so there was no game or outdoor activities also.
from my 10th I was enrolled in a government school in 9th as because of a government school their lackadaisical approach there was no pressure for studies even no class in school many times no homework nothing and still I was good in studies because others were more poor. i used to remain free whole day and just thinking idle. I started facing problem with my daily behaviour I was getting into quarrel with my classmates daily I lost interests in studies i was not able to concentrate on books I was wandering and getting scolded and beaten were continue.
At that I started feeling so much agitation in mind that once after a scolding I was at grave yard to think what the problem is(justifying the restlessness). yes every time there was reason but that was so little or just because of my environment but my mom's mismanagement or her own failure to handle us brought her mistreatment to us. Again in 11th I opted science but was not able to study as I was detach to everything all the time world and god were in my mind and I couldn't come out of it,i somehow passed my 11th I was sent to Jaipur for my 12th and again this time all the glitter made me more gloomy here and my despair about the world people sadness became more assertive.i was not able to talk with my classmate feeling ill and sleepy always and this even caused neglect from my father also couldn't understand what that was.I thinking something or other all the time I tried to understand what that was but everytime it looked like I am poor in respect to others or I m getting poor marks I am not so modern or anything. i waited even when it seemed I wont be able to get good marks I thought of suicide but stepped back before doing it. restlessness was increasing and I was becoming isolate from everyone I could not fell happy ever. all the time sad in relatives in market or at home. some time happy after long agitation of thoughts but that also used to stay for a very short time.i passed 12th also and then again after a quarrel I ran away from my house I was brought back by my relatives I stayed at my maternal grandmothers house for 2 months that stay was little much better.in addition to this my thoughts were so deepening that anything a poor man a good looking person any home or any behaviour used to grab me for days thinking about that at a point of time I started to think I am very intelligent that's why this all is.
I came into college again there was like if I will get good marks then all problems will go away so tried to study hard but now there were new problems many times for me it was not possible to study I used to remain indulge in my thoughts if there is a exam next day complete anger despair suicidal I passed those days somehow that was in complete college life before every exam. anyone's not so nice behaviour or any thought about a person used to make me weak I used to thought run away I was in tears many time. felt weak whenever there was something to do in front of people my heart beating used to seem so loud to me I could not stand.
then there was soft point for a girl in college I started to feel so much attached with her that when I not used to talk with her. Feeling low in front of her thinking about her that was for complete 4 years and that's also only one side.i used to cry for her pain in heart without any physical location.i called her once and her response hurt me that much I came at home and did not want to get up I regretted for my behaviour for all my remaining time in college. i passed my college also
then I went Delhi for preparing indian civil services I don't know what my condition is should I take big goals or not but I took I prepare that was for 1 or 2 months in books or study all the time then again there were friends an d attachment towards them and complexities started they called me too much passive even if someone said me anything even slapped I didn't feel to say him or her anything I was just thought that pain disrespect beating can heal me.i got attracted toward a girl again normal talks was with her and in the end I was thinking so much about her I could not even sleep stand or talk to anyone. i started feeling ill I came back to Jaipur still we were in contact and then I felt to much disappointment and despair I was in to much agitation and feeling that whole surroundings are bad.Delhi was good and people were better there I went to my town I kept on comparing with delhi and feeling sad.in the end I contacted psychiatrist.
so I took medicine for 6 months I felt a little bit good, agitation became less now contacts were good with people in last 6 months attachment with people or fights both were less. now it was easier to go into market or anywhere but again cannot talk with anyone about this my parents thought I m wasting their money on medicine and my friend think I am making them fool.
then I left medicines two month ago I was good till now but again I have started feeling empty I cannot study.all my surrounding people suggest one thing or another I try also but nothing helps. I don't want to die even I want to do good in my life please help. I m not in talk anymore with that girl also because of my habit of all time messaging her she got irritated because of me .she knew everything about it and this time also I was very much possessive towards her and same heart pain and tears were again.

[Frame]

puneetpandey4; I'd like to respond to your post, but I'm having trouble understanding. Perhaps you could break it into smaller chunks and sprinkle in more nouns. I'm sure there are people here that would like to help.

[SilentWaters]

Hi puneetpandey4,

I understand you perfectly. It sounds like quite the life you've lived so far.

First, I'm sorry it's been such a rough time for you. And I'm sorry that it didn't work out between you and that girl, I can tell you really liked her. Heartbreak is always hard and it's even worse when you have depression.

(It's never a good thing to get posessive and to message someone all the time, you need to stop doing that. But I think you know that already)

It's good that you were brave enough to see a professional about the depression and get on medication that seemed like it helped. Perhaps you should try staying on your medication for a few years and see if that solves things?

I understand how hard it is to have depression when no one understands and everyone judges and your life is falling apart. The worst thing is when you can't talk to anyone.

Remember this: no one is worthless, we can all do good in our lives. Sometimes life just gets too heavy to carry alone.

I can't tell you to do anything, those are choices you have to make for yourself. But I invite you to talk to me anytime you need, often it helps just to talk about it.

Take care